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Relationship Waiting
- Post starter Nicolette
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Nicolettte, I couldn't have said it better myself....I totally agree !
Aunt flo, i don't know how new you are to PTSD, but will realize it is everending ups and downs and you have to recognize the signs in your boyfriend. Everyone is different and when triggered it gets even worst. What one day was ok, isn't anymore....OMG what am I saying...day ? let's say more from minute to minute. :) The 2 years I was with my exboyfriend, we talked a lot and when he was in his good moods, which were often, he told me what to look for, he told me what he needed from me...and I observed all the time....I wasn't on eggshells, but very observant.
He needed me to tell him "I love you", he needed me to touch him a lot "secuirity for him, he wanted to know I was there" but he also needed space and I gave it to him, whether it was convenient for me or not....PTSD is not something to take lightly...it is a "lifestyle" change, many adustments on your side and if you are not wiling to take this disorder as seriously as it is then I am sorry to say....it is better to move on. I am not being mean or anything like that, I am just saying it as it is.
When my exboyfriend left...badly triggered...he was not the same man I knew..when he contacted me from time to time...he was very contradictory and he even didn't realize it...one day he loved me, the other day he didnt't want me to touch him...etc...I had to respect that BUT there does come a time where we have to say to ourselves "is this what I want in a relationship???" "is it his PTSD that is keeping him away, or something else ?"
You say: " I feel as tho ive blown it, but his friend said if i had, he would have told me there and then, regardless if it was by text" Not necissarily aunt flo...sometimes they don't even know themselves what they want or how to express themselves, sometimes too stressful!
I wish you luck aunt flo, and I hope you make it with him...remember we always make mistakes, while we are learning...nothing makes me happier then hearing of a couple make it...even with this dreaded PTSD :)
Aunt flo, i don't know how new you are to PTSD, but will realize it is everending ups and downs and you have to recognize the signs in your boyfriend. Everyone is different and when triggered it gets even worst. What one day was ok, isn't anymore....OMG what am I saying...day ? let's say more from minute to minute. :) The 2 years I was with my exboyfriend, we talked a lot and when he was in his good moods, which were often, he told me what to look for, he told me what he needed from me...and I observed all the time....I wasn't on eggshells, but very observant.
He needed me to tell him "I love you", he needed me to touch him a lot "secuirity for him, he wanted to know I was there" but he also needed space and I gave it to him, whether it was convenient for me or not....PTSD is not something to take lightly...it is a "lifestyle" change, many adustments on your side and if you are not wiling to take this disorder as seriously as it is then I am sorry to say....it is better to move on. I am not being mean or anything like that, I am just saying it as it is.
When my exboyfriend left...badly triggered...he was not the same man I knew..when he contacted me from time to time...he was very contradictory and he even didn't realize it...one day he loved me, the other day he didnt't want me to touch him...etc...I had to respect that BUT there does come a time where we have to say to ourselves "is this what I want in a relationship???" "is it his PTSD that is keeping him away, or something else ?"
You say: " I feel as tho ive blown it, but his friend said if i had, he would have told me there and then, regardless if it was by text" Not necissarily aunt flo...sometimes they don't even know themselves what they want or how to express themselves, sometimes too stressful!
I wish you luck aunt flo, and I hope you make it with him...remember we always make mistakes, while we are learning...nothing makes me happier then hearing of a couple make it...even with this dreaded PTSD :)
KK3966 - I am with you all the way on your feelings, because that is exactly where I am at, even more so today!
Last night, we made plans to meet tonight. I then had to leave him for half an hour while I got showered, but when I got back from my shower, his mood had changed. He did this the night before as well, because he couldn't get hold of me easily. He told me he was tired and couldn't be bothered with anything so he was going to bed, so I said ok and would see him tonight. He then replied that we hadn't made any arrangements for tonight! I said we had, and he said we hadn't because I hadn't chosed a film and he needed to know the plan. I said the plan was to go to the pictures and I would see him tomorrow, to which I got no reply.
He has also dropped it on me that he has a job interview for a position that is not in this area. I felt quite taken aback as we had made plans together for the future which involved him staying in this area. Anyway, I said I was pleased he had an interview but was concerned, understandably about the implications on our relationship. He said he understood that, but this was the path he wanted and nothing was going to stand in the way. He also said he wanted to see how things went with us.
So, we have gone from full blown love, commitment, making plans for the future - to seeing how things go. I agreed to the 'seeing how things go' and he was happy with that.
Nicolette, I am beginning to think that maybe I am selling myself short and NO, I would not put up with this behaviour from a non-sufferer!
So, I am of the opinion that I will see him tonight, unless he tells me otherwise today!
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Nicolette
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I could say so much but will just say that a few sentences in the thread above make me think you may be heading for heartbreak Aunt Flo. I certainly hope not!
Unfortunately Nicolette, I am leaning towards that outcome as well. I am already feeling sick thinking about it. I think maybe we jumped in to quick and it was too much too soon for him. He perhaps feels out of control with his emotions. He is going through a divorce, has taken redundancy, looking for a job/work, doing resettlement and it has all come at once. I guess maybe this was the wrong time to meet him, although he assures me this was the right time. Confused!?*
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Nicolette
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Just know that it's not you Aunt Flo.... it is the illness. I am sure you are a loveable person. Hang in there and do what you feel is right for you. ((hugs))
I'm sorry Aunt Flo.. that position not in the area.. would he have to move? To drop that on you like that w/o any mention or anything.. that is not ok.
I agree w/the others about not making him your entire world. I'm that way.. I love him and he is my world. I had to take a step back and create some boundaries I was comfortable with for myself. For instance, I told him I'd do my own thing during the week and if he wanted to see me, and I was available, then ok. It,s so hard to do when you are so in love and just want to spend time w/them.
The weekend was great, but he's back in the cycle due to uncertainties at work for the week, and some family problems. I could tell he was maxed out yesterday. But, he has made the effort to come around Monday and Tuesday. And told me ahead of time, if it's raining he will probably stay home tonight. I don't like finding out at 7 at night he's not coming over after I sat and waited around. So at least he told me something. I won't be sitting around waiting for him, either.
So, for now standing up for myself seemed to turn things in my favor. He was non touchy, but felt good to have him around.
P.S. If you read on here there are stories of the ups and downs of feeling like he's madly in love and then feelings seeming to change out of no where.
Hugs to you.
I agree w/the others about not making him your entire world. I'm that way.. I love him and he is my world. I had to take a step back and create some boundaries I was comfortable with for myself. For instance, I told him I'd do my own thing during the week and if he wanted to see me, and I was available, then ok. It,s so hard to do when you are so in love and just want to spend time w/them.
The weekend was great, but he's back in the cycle due to uncertainties at work for the week, and some family problems. I could tell he was maxed out yesterday. But, he has made the effort to come around Monday and Tuesday. And told me ahead of time, if it's raining he will probably stay home tonight. I don't like finding out at 7 at night he's not coming over after I sat and waited around. So at least he told me something. I won't be sitting around waiting for him, either.
So, for now standing up for myself seemed to turn things in my favor. He was non touchy, but felt good to have him around.
P.S. If you read on here there are stories of the ups and downs of feeling like he's madly in love and then feelings seeming to change out of no where.
Hugs to you.
Hi KK396 - I'm guessing it is out of the area, but he is being so secretive about it.
When I asked him where it was, he said did it really matter. I said gently that if it affects our plans, then of course it matters. I asked him if would affect us and he said he couldn't answer that. He is talking in riddles.
I noticed last week when I last saw him, that he seemed unusually hyper and loud and sort of nervous. We held hands throughout the whole film at the pictures and laughed so much as it was a comedy. I left him that night feeling on a high but the following night his mood had altered slightly. Then the following day (friday) his mood had completely changed towards me.
I didn't contact him all weekend and then I got a surprise hello message to which I responded. Everything was fine, he said he loved me and again, I felt happy. On Monday, his mood changed again, and last night it was even worse but he's not giving me any explanations - do I deserve/warrant an explanation?
Is he punishing me for not being available to him the night before, so he made himself available when he chose to last night. He clearly doesn't want me to walk away from him, hence why at the moment, we are 'seeing how things go' whatever that really means. I'm just so upset at the moment and trying to think straight and not over analyse the situation.
Thank you for my hugs - gratefully received :)
When I asked him where it was, he said did it really matter. I said gently that if it affects our plans, then of course it matters. I asked him if would affect us and he said he couldn't answer that. He is talking in riddles.
I noticed last week when I last saw him, that he seemed unusually hyper and loud and sort of nervous. We held hands throughout the whole film at the pictures and laughed so much as it was a comedy. I left him that night feeling on a high but the following night his mood had altered slightly. Then the following day (friday) his mood had completely changed towards me.
I didn't contact him all weekend and then I got a surprise hello message to which I responded. Everything was fine, he said he loved me and again, I felt happy. On Monday, his mood changed again, and last night it was even worse but he's not giving me any explanations - do I deserve/warrant an explanation?
Is he punishing me for not being available to him the night before, so he made himself available when he chose to last night. He clearly doesn't want me to walk away from him, hence why at the moment, we are 'seeing how things go' whatever that really means. I'm just so upset at the moment and trying to think straight and not over analyse the situation.
Thank you for my hugs - gratefully received :)
I can't help you with what is going on in his head, but I am going to tell you to take care of yourself. My preferred way to mitigate the effects of a cryey day is a box of tissues with lotion in them so I don't end up looking like Courtney Love on a Monday morning, a huge bottle of whatever sugar free drink I love best to keep me hydrated, and a self-reminder of my dad's favorite saying;
'Everything turns out okay. It might not turn out how you like it, but it turns out okay.'
'Everything turns out okay. It might not turn out how you like it, but it turns out okay.'
Loyalone,thankyou for sharing your dads wisdom.
My dad used to say something very similar,same sentiment but different words and if there was anyone I needed to hear from today then it would of been him.
Yoy've just spoken straight to my soul,I'm now off to do some letter writing to try and nudge things so that they do turn out the way I want.
My dad used to say something very similar,same sentiment but different words and if there was anyone I needed to hear from today then it would of been him.
Yoy've just spoken straight to my soul,I'm now off to do some letter writing to try and nudge things so that they do turn out the way I want.
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