Relationship Waiting

[Army_Brat_88]

We are all there with you Flo, or we wouldn't be on this site. We're all feeling the same things and asking the same questions. I really feel for you and I get you 100%. But just to warn you - as long as you want to keep him in your life you will ask yourself those questions hourly.

 

[Aunt Flo]

HELP!!! I really want to talk to him, but I know it will make things worse. Please can someone tell me how to get through this without going completely insane. My daughter said that the things he said to me on Saturday, although he has PTSD, were unacceptable. I don't really want to repeat them on here in case it offends anyone. I am struggling so much seeing him having fun with his mates and to make it worse, our mutual friend is avoiding me, so I can't even talk it through with them. I feel so alone.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Flo - I've found the more you work yourself up about it, the more insane you get. I'm actually going through that this week myself. I've been good for awhile, but for some reason this week I've gone mental about it....but if I do other things, normalcy returns and I can think more rational and calmly - how me contacting him about anything is pointless because my mental state of wanting to confront, and his mental state of avoidance are two worlds apart. Nothing will be solved.

Anger is an issue for these guys - however if a respectable amount of time has gone by and you've received no apology from him, then perhaps you need to do some soul searching about him.

 

[May1321]

but if I do other things, normalcy returns and I can think more rational and calmly

Anger is an issue for these guys - however if a respectable amount of time has gone by and you've received no apology from him, then perhaps you need to do some soul searching about him.

You need to absorb what is being said to you.... by your own daughter, even. :(

My daughter said that the things he said to me on Saturday, although he has PTSD, were unacceptable

IT HURTS! It's not fair! I'm technically on the happier side of the PTSD relationship but now I know I am probably just "waiting" within, so it is very possible that I will be making some very tough choices for the health of both my sufferer and I because as Nicollete clearly states at the beginning of this thread.

Being rejected, being told that their PTSD Sufferer is not capable of a relationship and still hanging on to the possibility of anything short of a miracle.

This is where I am... after he came back... now IN the relationship... he still says he's not capable of one :(

Below is where I was... where you are...

If someone does not want to be with you, says so, does not contact you and you see them with a status of single it's not always PTSD and them having PTSD does not mean there is a really good chance they will change their minds.


If the sign post says "no entry" then [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/attachments/stop-jpg.3988/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL] and think about what you are doing. Are you being co-dependent, are you hanging onto something for fear of being alone, is your self esteem low and you fear finding someone else?

Take PTSD out of the equation and listen again. It's not all due to PTSD when someone leaves you or doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

I totally accept you will feel hurt, betrayed, lost but that happens at the end of any relationship.
If someone doesn't want to be with you then you deserve to find someone who does. Please don't sell yourself short.

Flo... we are all here because we've been or are there... where you are at. You really need to take some time to start a journal for yourself... make a pros and cons list... make a couple... Listen to your daughter. You and your family should be your top priorities and if your family sees you being hurt by someone, then is that really someone you want to be spending all your emotional energy on? because it is hurting them, too.

I only have my brother/sister-in-law and my parents. I've become very close to them over the years, through a lot of trials and hurts... and I don't want ANYONE in my life that will make them unhappy because that just means that person isn't making ME happy.

 

[Aunt Flo]

Thank you. I still dont get how he can go from love to nothing, and also how he has fun with his friends but he won't contact me. Last week I phoned a PTSD helpline and they said that the fact he feels comfortable enough to be himself rather than the bravado he portrays with his friends, means that he feels close to me, which in a strange way should be seen as a compliment. Does that sound right?

 

[Molly Anne]

He did reply, to tell me he needed to chat to people with nostrings attached. Then, a couple of weeks later, I told him that I assumed that he had finished things with me and that I wouldn't see or hear from him again. PTSD or no PTSD it seemed the obvious reason for what he was doing.

But my choice is not be single myself, and wait. Perhaps that is naive, and shows a lack of self-worth...and self-confidence is something I have always had an issue with. But I am crazy about this chap, and two wrongs do not make a right. I choose to be here.

I have had a very similar situation occur. I'm feeling the same way - wait, "not be single," and hope that if he should choose to return I'll be the strong, confident woman he would want to be with. He may not be able to be with me now, but he said that he'll always be there for me, that that will never change, that he loves me, would do anything for me, and misses me. I'll hold onto that for now, and wait. The true measure of love is not necessarily knowing when to walk away, but knowing when to wait and build the walls of protection that your loved one is crying out for, even if they don't realize it at the time.

No one else can make the decision for me and it just makes things more complicated when everyone offers their opinions because they aren't living this life. I am.

Exactly!! I find that so many people in my life have opinions on what I'm doing, should be doing, choices I should make, and particularly, shouting boldly for me to MOVE ON!!! I've decided that I have to live my own life, and every fiber of my being is telling me to take this one patiently and one day at a time. Regardless of where it ends up, at least I will know that I have finally made a decision on my own, and that the outcome is my sole responsibility, and I can blame (or congratulate) no one but myself.

However, I must say, I am SO GLAD to have found this forum... and at least feel understood... for the first time.

He dropped the line on me that I deserve better, I am the perfect woman but he is just not ready. Before he came home he wanted to settled down an marry me.. Now he says he feels like an alien outside of the military and he says he loves and cares for me but he doesnt want to be with me..

I am in the EXACT same boat - right down to wanting to come home and settle... and the lines about deserving better and him telling me I'm so amazing that he doesn't want to be away from me. Sadly, this marine chose to date someone else after electing to "take space." I just have to recognize that this is likely a coping mechanism for him. If he's truly unable to maintain a serious relationship (as he told me) then I have nothing to fear from his tryst with her.
I'm so glad you posted here, though... it's a revelation to realize I'm not alone in what I'm going through. I plan to wait it out also.

Prettysmile.... the best advise I can give you is keep your eyes and heart open while trusting your gut. There are no hard and fast rules with this illness. But I will warn you - before you get in too deep - this is not the road for the weak or the faint hearted. Using Amethist's words: "you need the skin of a rhino" but you also need the patience of a saint IMHO.

These are very good pieces of advice as well. I fear that the marine I'm dealing with isn't looking for help anytime soon because he's in denial that he underwent any change while gone. I have the rhino skin bit down, but I have almost no patience - I guess that is what I will start praying for during my daily workouts - best time to talk to God IMO. :)

 

[LoyalOne]

Last week I phoned a PTSD helpline and they said that the fact he feels comfortable enough to be himself rather than the bravado he portrays with his friends, means that he feels close to me, which in a strange way should be seen as a compliment. Does that sound right?

Yes. Many of the people in his life are subject to his 'I'm Just Fine, THANKS, Why Do You Ask?' facade that he puts up.

It's hard to take sometimes, but the fact that we get to hear some of how messed up they feel is because they care and trust enough to relax a few %s when they are with us.

 

[May1321]

Regardless of where it ends up, at least I will know that I have finally made a decision on my own, and that the outcome is my sole responsibility, and I can blame (or congratulate) no one but myself.

Love this! :tup:

I just keep thinking... as long as I AM HAPPY. Not happy by someone elses standards... ME/MINE and I.

This just in on my daily horoscope that gets mailed to me hit the nail on the head...

It isn't your job to make everyone feel okay about the issues you face. Nevertheless, it's up to you to look inward and ask yourself tough questions so you can gain clarity about the next phase of your life

Putting myself out there a little bit... going on "friend" dates with some of the guy friends in my life. I've been very up front with my ex about this when he asks as we still do talk a lot... and I'm kind of just feeling out what it is that I want and deserve.

After a few head butting sessions, my ex stands by the fact that he "needs time" to get his life in order which includes starting back up appointments with a psychologist as (thank goodness!) he's realized that NOT having that is NOT helping him. I understand this as he is dealing with a lot of stuff right now. Accepting it has nothing to do with me is obviously hard and played a role in some of our final arguments.

We love each other but agree that I shouldn't be treated how he has treated me - finally acknowledged what my issue has been - but also that he is not capable of mentally handling the affects of making that change in his life right now. It's a bit twisted but it's diagnosed PTSD... none of it is normal or makes sense. He thinks this is protecting me, even though it also means I'm not going to wait if something happens to come along.

I feel like we've come so far in just our friendship, relationship, ourselves that I don't think we are "waiting" for anything to be different any more... we are finally just 'being' who we are and moving forward. Right now... not together.

The plus about the guy friends... they love me and I'm NOT attracted to them and we long ago established our boundaries with each other. But they also - from a guys point of view - help me through some overanalyzing and remind me of what I'm worth. I'm also able to rekindle - if need be - what it is that I like about ME as well as realize some things that I'm happy I've removed from my life. All things I've feared I've lost while being under the blanket of my sufferer and HIS needs... not always taking time for my own, or being validated in my feelings.

Just... can't make someone get better, nor can you help them if you can't even stand on your own two feet. How often we are wonderfully reminded of that and that's just it... getting to know and love and have confidence just within yourself IS wonderful and I can only hope that my ex gets to experience and feel that as he continues on his path to healing.

 

[Molly Anne]

I think the hardest thing for me right now is that he didn't take my call on Saturday. I found out last week that he is dating someone else and he did me the justice of talking to me about it. He promised to always be there for me no matter what, so when I was having a meltdown Saturday morning I caught my breath and gave him a call. I had to leave a voicemail and he hasn't called back. That's sad in many ways, but in a strange way gives me hope, because I think he must not want to get wrapped up in emotions he may still have for me... but as you said, as a woman, I tend to over-analyze things.

I frequently worry that he'll never want to talk to me again, but a better side of me knows that he's a kinder person than that. I try to imagine if I had more friends and family here if weather this change would be easier. I wonder if he misses me and thinks of me, too. Last Sunday he said he does. Could a week or two of dating someone else change that so quickly? Probably not. Or am I just hoping not?

A large percentage of me hopes we'll get back together, but at the same time I'm hoping that time will help me to let that go, and leave it as more of a possibility than a desire. Regardless, tonight, I'm really missing him. I know it gets easier, because the last week has become easier and easier... I just can't help but think I'm being foolish to hold onto something when he seems to have moved on so quickly. Then again, when I queried, "Is it that easy to get over me?!" he responded "No, it's not!!" ... so somehow, I wonder if waiting is the right thing to do, at least for now.

Mom says if I insist on waiting it should at least be on the corner of my "page," rather than the central focus. I'm working very hard on that right now and journaling a lot. I keep promising myself that he's doing this to protect me (what I was told by another young marine this weekend) and that I should have CONFIDENCE enough in MYSELF to know that he'll return (at least for friendship and closure) and FAITH enough in HIM to know that he'll return. If I continue to throw pity parties I'm not only doubting myself, but I'm doubting him, and a relationship full of doubt will never work.

I know that he lacks strength right now to move forward with me, so I can just pray that he will find the way and at some point we can talk and work things out again, whatever way that may be.

I know this has been quite a bit of a ramble so all I can really say is thank you so much for listening.

 

[heatherfeather]

After reading a bunch of these posts I am more confused then ever if I should stay or if I should go.
I sent my boyfriend/ex whatever he is a text yesterday asking if he wants me to be here or if I should move on...nothing was sent back. I know he is under alot of stress with finding a place to live for his son and him by the end of the month but I wish he could just open up to me and know he can count on me.

 

[Loyal to him]

In my situation it is more of him being embarrassed over his actions..

I have said that the positives in our relationship far exceed any embarrassment that he may feel (and he has said I am the only positive in his life). Have told him to take all the time he needs, that I will check in occasionally (like once a week), that I love and miss him. Funny thing is..I am scared to death that I said the wrong thing.

I have never been a needy girl, but I have totally backed off now. Still, I worried that I said the wrong thing. This whole thing just SUCKS and I hate it so much. I wish he was a jerk and I could just say the hell with it...but I can't do it.

Trying so hard not to add to his stress or to pressure him. He insists that his isolatiing has nothing to do wiht me..and I said OK then...let me know if I can do anything to help you. Still, I second guess myself.

Again I say...this SUCKS. I guess I should have faith...kinda hard to do though sometimes

Hi, this actually sounds very similar to what I'm going through too.

I don't what what's the right thing or the wrong thing, before I really understood what was going on I had heard rumors it was another person and asked him, he said he'd feel the same way if he was in my position and would've asked too, but I always feel like I'm going everything wrong and second guess myself.

He's shut off his emotions completely to me, family and everything. He contacts me most of the time, only once in a while do I contact him, I'm trying to give him space, he says he's just not capable to work things out right now. There are no statuses as single or anything.

It's an awful feeling, loving someone and missing them more everyday and not being able to be with them and also knowing that they've shut off their emotions and feelings but they love you and can't express it.

 

[Pebbles]

I am wondering about dissassociation.

I have read the download from Anthony about the stressor cups and what a sufferer goes though. This is very good information. I am understanding why he says things are overwhelming and "just too much". I am understanding that the only stressor, good or bad that he can remove right now is our relationship.

He can't handle the label of being in a relationship. I know that he loves me and that he wants me in his life. He needs space and time right now until the stress level is lower and he can handle "us" again.

I am guessing this is what dissassociation does for the sufferer. I suffer from anxiety myself and when he didn't want to be with me every day, I was completely devastated.

It is an awful feeling loving and missing someone so much, but realizing that they love you and will be back when they can, gives me hope.

I have a question. My boyfriend is needing his space. This has been a very hard thing for me, as quality time together is very important to me. I have not seen him in a week, but once and that was brief. We still talk and text, but I am beginning to feel left out. I am left out of his life and what is going on with him.

I know he probably doesn't want me to know about this part of him and I am doing better on giving him his space and taking care of myself. This is the first big go around of this and it is very hurtful. Does this pattern get better? What will our relationship be like?

My biggest question is that when his "plate gets full", as he puts it, why am I the thing that gets pushed off the plate? He continues to run his business and work every day. Is it because I am the only thing that can be pushed off the plate?

It is just so hard to understand and give him space without feeling rejected. I feel like by giving him his space, I am meeting his needs, but what about MY needs? I am a very self sufficient woman. I am successful and take care of everything. The only thing I want from him is the enjoyement of being with him, sharing his life and just having fun with him.

There is a quote somewhere that says I need you because I love you. I don't love him because I need him, I need him because I love him.