Walked Out On Therapy Session... Now What?

[Lucycat]

She made me feel so judged by her comments

She did not judge you. You interpreted the situation as a feeling of being judged. Quite different. One comes from her, the other from inside you!

I told her that I was offended by her comments and stormed out of the therapy session.

So she did not have a chance to put things right there and then?

I don't know if I can ever go to therapy again after how she made me feel.

You made you feel. Se didn't.

A therapist shouldn't make you feel like that.

A therapist is working with your emotions and feelings, some will be good and some will be bad. This is the challenge of therapy and what the whole point of it is. An exploration of what things make you feel in a partivular way. Things to be worked with rather than avoided, so that you learn how to deal with it.

which suggests that you're not convinced you behaved appropriately.

I agree with this. Insight!

However, a therapist who never triggers you isn't a realistic thing to expect,

Quite true. Someone who sits there and says 'yes dear' for an hour is no help to anyone. Therapy is hard work.

my relationship sabotage is the number 1 problem that I have.

You have hit the nail on the head. Number one problems need a lot of work.

Isn't running out of therapy a form of sabatoging a relationship?

Yes!

 

[greenleaf]

I'm glad you're going back to see if this can be improved. Can you imagine a "perfect response" that a therapist could have had to issues like you mention here? It sounds like you believe the T should say your action was inappropriate but what about the criticism part; was it worded strongly or did it use a phrase that was a particular problem for you? Alternatively do you think you'd have had a strong response whatever a T said? I'm writing this in case it helps you tease out whether you think this is all you or partly the T's particular response (they do vary a lot even where they're saying you could behave differently.)

 

[scout86]

My T says that "running out of the room is fine. As long as you come back." He didn't say WHEN you should come back, just that you should. Apparently HE understands that people occasionally do things like that and isn't surprised by it. (He just wants it to be dealt with eventually, not avoided forever.) I would imagine your T gets it to and wasn't all that surprised, considering you were already discussing that you sabotage relationships.

 

[Born to Run]

"Was the behaviour that the therapist called out as inappropriate actually an inappropriate behaviour?"

I think this is not the point here. The behaviour could be inappropriate, but a therapist telling you to stop with it, is total nonsense. There is a lack of respect and understanding in there, as the therapy is meant to change behaviours we can not change on our own with the therapist facilitating this. I would have run out of the session too and to never go back. It is not about the content, but about the therapeutic approach that is failing here. It is like going to see a neurologist for your migraines and them telling you to stop with it. You go there, because you expect them to help you change, get better.

 

[falling_wave]

I think sometimes therapy is hard work and sometimes it is uncomfortable to be called out with someone you have a relationship with. It can put up defense mechanisms because suddenly you might get hurt. The thing is in therapy if you have decided to trust your T this is not a normal relationship. If you are called out this is the chance to work on something not end it.

I can relate to the feeling if being called out. There have been a few times. Once I told my T that I had just now told my friend I was medication. She remembered when I had said that I was telling her months ago and she called me out that my stories didn't match. It felt really uncomfortable. Basically I felt at the moment that she was calling me a liar but I got to explain why I didn't tell her and work on my insecurities in this so honestly it was helpful. All she wanted to do was understand and help me which she did and then we moved on. Another time recently she told me a new self soothing coping skill and without thinking I started going on about how I started doing this recently and all my ideas rather than hers. After a few minutes she asked me if I was trying to tell her I thought of it first. I felt really ashamed that I had not thought of her trying to help me but I learned how doing this in a social setting might make people feel they were not important so I was really glad she caught me in that behavior. I usually get pangs of shame feeling when I think of it during the week but as I see she stays there and we resolve it our connection deepens and I learn to trust. Win win really.

I hope you can talk to her and find a way to move through it.

 

[watundah]

Blue Orange.
I love what you said here.
I used to expect super human powers from my T; now I cut her slack for being human and making errors, like me.

My father used to mock, tease and laugh at me. Sometime she does that, too. As I've grown older, I realized as someone who uses humor a lot. I am often laughed at when Im not trying to be funny and not laughed at when I'm trying to be funny. I have a deadpan delivery and need to remind myself that if she laughs inappropriately it is not with the intent to be cruel.

It is a continuously tricky relationship. I'm not sure I could be in their shoes and pick the right.words.all of the time.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think this is not the point here. The behaviour could be inappropriate, but a therapist telling you to stop with it, is total nonsense. There is a lack of respect and understanding in there, as the therapy is meant to change behaviours we can not change on our own with the therapist facilitating this. I would have run out of the session too and to never go back. It is not about the content, but about the therapeutic approach that is failing here. It is like going to see a neurologist for your migraines and them telling you to stop with it. You go there, because you expect them to help you change, get better.

I think you could be right, in a number of circumstances. It depends very much on exactly what was said, and how it was said, which is information we don't have. That's why I've been very careful to separate the way I'm interpreting the post from 'the facts'. There's a very real chance that I was missing the point.

If the behaviour was (say) shouting obscenities during the session, then I think it would be appropriate to say something like "I need you to stop shouting obscenities right now, that behaviour is not going to allow us to communicate." I think it would not be appropriate to say something like "Shouting obscenities is inappropriate behaviour, no wonder nobody likes you."

 

[scout86]

but a therapist telling you to stop with it, is total nonsense.

Sometimes I'm sure it is and sometimes it isn't. I suppose it depends on the people involved. There have been several times when my T has looked at me and dead panned "You might want to find a better way to think of that." And he's been right. And, until he pointed it out, the fact that I had choices had escaped my attention. In that case, it's the start of a conversation. Now, I'm sure that wouldn't work with everyone and he probably doesn't approach it that way with everyone. It does work with me, the way he does it. It could also be done differently and wouldn't work, I'm sure.

You haven't been working with the person real long. Sometimes it take awhile to figure out what works and what doesn't. The first session, my T outlined "how he usually approaches trauma". A big part of my brain heard what he said, screamed "I don't think so!" and ran for cover. He handles things differently now, but I'm sure that other approach works most of the time. It probably also took awhile before he noticed that he could say "You might want to rethink that" and my reliably literal brain would respond with "Oh! That's actually an option, isn't it?"

 

[sweetcandy]

Hi blueorange and born to run.
The situation was that I was discussing with my T a relationship that has been triggering me. We were talking calmly about this. I had pushed my friend away by my constant need for reassurance. I discussed the outburst I had with my friend with my T. The outburst consisted of me withdrawing from the relationship and then wanting the relationship. Kind of like push / pull. My friend got tired of it and cut me out. I was scared of getting close and every time I would get close. I would pull back.
This is a pattern with me which has happened so many times in the past. I told my T that my friend triggers me. Hoping she would be able to help me with some strategies to better cope when I get triggered, she told me that it was abuse. I was quite offended by that because I don't see how it can be abuse. I struggle with the friendship being a trigger and told her my problem so she could help me. This friend has the same name as one of my abusers which is really bad for flashbacks.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Abuse is a very strong term to use, and I think inappropriate, especially when used on an abuse survivor. It is not healthy for either you or your friend and it needs to be pointed out. But I think you were already aware of that. So yes, I think the term abuse was wrong in this case. Now if you had punched your friend in the face or hurled obscenities at them, maybe abuse would have been the right word.

So yes, this therapist maybe means well, but I think perhaps she is not all that educated about trauma and abuse survivors. Is she specialised in that area?

 

[BlueOrange]

Armed with more details, I think the kindest word that can be used to describe the therapist there is 'clumsy'. I've tried to work with people who spoke to me in those terms, and it was horrible, painful and unsatisfying. It is a judgmental term to use, and I'd be stunned if using it ever helped anybody. (I'm not going to comment on whether the word was accurate or not - even if accurate, it's not a helpful response to someone who is asking for help.)

If your issues are similar to mine, then underneath both events (the stuff with the friend and with the T) is a fear of betrayal. I can very easily imagine myself doing the same stuff under the stresses of a therapy session. I'm going to proceed on that assumption for the rest of this reply - don't forget to decide for yourself about what's really going on, and what you're actually going to do.

If you can find someone with more experience with trauma and dissociation, then that would probably be more productive than sticking it out. Tell the new T about why you stopped seeing this one - it'll be a useful clue to them about what you need, and their response may give you some useful clues.

If you decide to continue with the existing T, then there needs to be a conversation about what happened. Perhaps something along the lines of "When you described my behaviour towards my friend as abuse, I felt betrayed. I knew it was wrong and was asking for your help changing my behaviour. Telling me that it's wrong doesn't help me to stop - I already knew that."

 

[sweetcandy]

Thank you BlueOrange, your reply really helped a lot. Now I think about it, it is a fear of betrayal. I think that's one of the biggest things that I struggle with. I can see from your reply that you struggle with it too. Its a hard thing to work through but nothing is impossible.

Thank you everybody for your replies. I hope that I can be a support to you just as you have been for me.