Undiagnosed Want To Understand My Childhood Traumas

[LukeJ]

Hello myPTSD community,

Due to the unknowns of the internet, I am not going to introduce myself with too many specifics. However, I will say that I am a young male in college.

The reason that I would like to reach out on this forum is because I believe that I have some emotional problems currently which date back to a trauma-like series of events that I had when I was a young adolescent. I really want to share my experiences with this community so as to hear people's perspectives and to hopefully try to achieve a few things like a better self-image, self-acceptance and self-respect which I know that I lack.

I am going to save the excruciating detail of my experiences and their current effect on my emotions, perceptions of myself and others, and my life in general for a forum post, but I will very generally describe my trauma experience.

My current issues are very complex and I believe that many are related to sex and my sexuality (not gay/straight but just sexual health). When I was in junior high (about 8th grade I think) I committed an act of beastiality as an experiment to see if I could satisfy my sexual desires, which were sort of raging at that point as I was becoming a teenage boy. I know that there is an incredible stigma about this, so I just want to clarify that I only did it one time, and regretted it immediately afterward. Upon sharing this personal information with a friend I was hanging out with that school year (he was a year older than me), the "traumatic" events started. This "friend" turned out to be extremely manipulative, threatening me verbally that he would tell people in school about what I did (which he had apparently already done because people would approach me and ask me if it was true). I don't remember what he was trying to get from me exactly by being so manipulative and blackmailing me, it was nothing in particular though. I think that this kid just felt powerful by knowing that I was at his mercy and that I would pretty much bow to him so long as he kept my embarrassing and life ruining secret a secret.

I have a lot to talk about on this subject, as well as other events from my childhood that I definitely label as being traumatic, and I hope that this PTSD community can see how my experience could be very damaging to my adult sense of identity and worthiness. Thanks for reading.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad you didn't continue doing what you did and it sounds like you have suffered greatly at the hands of a bully or maybe several bullies. I'm also really glad that you are reaching out for support.

To really understand how your experiences as a child have affected you as an adult, and to best know how to heal from them, it is best to talk to a therapist. Yes, even about this. They hear all kinds of stuff all the time. There may be reasons why you did what you did the in first place that may affect your perception of you as well as the later bullying you experienced. For example, perhaps you did what you did because you were already stressed due to other factors in your life at that age and looking for an outlet, a distraction, even an extreme one. You did what you did and it sounds like you tried even back then to understand it better and were met with contempt. It is awful that you were treated so badly. No one should have bullied you for such an act. They should have helped you find a safe adult to help you work through it - and I'm glad you are seeking to do that good work now.

Something that is communicated around here a lot is that it's good to research a possible diagnosis but it's really important to avoid self diagnosis.

Not all trauma leads to the development of PTSD. Some people get PTSD, some people are affected in other ways. I have a friend who lost two parents suddenly as a child -clearly a traumatic event. For some people, this would lead to the development f PTSD symptoms. In her case, as is the case for many others, it lead to other symptoms that were not PTSD. Her symptoms are very much around self worth and Shane and never feeling like she belongs. She has a very difficult time attaching in relationships. She has clear struggles connected to this childhood trauma, but she doesn't have PTSD.

This is not to say that you don't have PTSD, or that your childhood experiences didn't affect you. Childhood/teenage bullying is so awful because it happens at such crucial stage of development of the sense of selfs. It does tend to affect people for a long time. Sometimes bullying leads to PTSD, sometimes it leads to other struggles. Sometimes people end up with PTSD and other problems too! It sucks, but there is help and hope out there.

Proper treatment can help you live more of the life you want to live and have more of the sense of self you want to have. More of a sense of who you really are - and not the feelings of worthlessness and other messages you internalized from the bullies.

Welcome to the forum and I'm glad you are here.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I have been seriously bullied and isolated for years from 3rd to 7th grade. I know how bullying works.

It will take me a few hours to completely absorb the story, as at this moment I am in a slightly confused state. But in puberty people do get raging amounts of hormones. Leading even to what you did. Though for what I know, blackmail isn't a good thing. The kid was probably a psychopath with a huge need of control over others, which he had for some personal reason. It would be interesting to hear more about you.

Welcome to the forum, though some might be completely wierded put by your story, it's quite a low level of confusion for me.

 

[Cool Cat]

I actually have the experience too of someone blackmailing me by threatening to disclose sensitive info (my bros used to do it when i was a kid, and a bully when i was a teen) Was it just that event that he blackmailed you about?
Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[SeanCharles]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Mit]

Hi Luke - I was touched by your bravery and honesty. I can only support what @Justmehere said about getting help from a therapist, I am sure that would be the best thing to do. As you are at College there may be some pastoral help available, even if they can just direct you to competent therapists.

Four years ago my sexual acting out caused a huge trauma for myself and my family. It was also a private act, involving no one else, but it became known to the authorities and they decided to notify all my friends. I was very much an adult when this happened. I understood my behaviour was the result of an experience in childhood that was traumatic, and psychosexual (but not sexual abuse as most would understand that phrase).

90% of my friends turned away and I have had no contact with them since, this was four years ago. If we meet in public they either cross the street or ignore me, and gossip has ensured many more people now know, or think they know, and consequently judge me.

So I feel I have some idea of what you might have been going through. I'm new to this forum and still struggling to deal with my own experiences, so I don't feel I am in any position to offer any great insight or knowledge. But others on this forum have helped me, there are kind, supportive and knowledgeable souls here. I hope you do find the help you need.

 

[LukeJ]

Thank you all,

I know that my story may be difficult for some to digest or feel sympathy towards, so thank you for all who are willing to get past the nature of the sexual act itself and just focus on the bigger picture of how all of it has affected me. As far as the reason that I signed up on this forum, I was just having a bad day that day, and really wanted to reach deep into my life and my past and try to figure some things out. It seemed like this forum was somewhat fitting for my set of experiences. I have actually seen two different therapists, and they both either sucked (one actually did because she was an old British woman who I could't really connect with at all), or I just was not and still might not be able to adequately explain my feelings to a therapist so they subsequently can't give me the level of feedback that I need to get past my past and feel positive in the present moment in every situation. That is my theory on the therapy that I have had so far (about 3 sessions total).

Since I'm new to the forum, I'm going to ask a procedural question. Is it correct to continue having a discussion on this "introduction" post, or should I branch out into other forum categories to speak more specifically and try to get more in depth about things?



Thank you again.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@LukeJ

Well, I suggest branching out, as then more people will view the new threads and titles will be more themed and specific.