Wanting to say "no" to everything but forcing myself to keep going

[Ecdysis]

For as long as I can remember, I just want everything to stop, to go away... I want to yell "No no no no no no" about everything.

I just want to be left alone, I want to sleep, I want peace and quiet, I want to be able to recover.

But life goes on relentlessly.

And I do my best to get by.

In my conscious mind, I know I have to "play along" as best I can and eat/ drink/ clean/ work/ pay bills/ do whatever, to get by.

I realise I will end up involuntary inpatient, homeless or dead if I stop "functioning" to whatever (impaired) ability I have.

But my subconscious is constantly saying "No, please no".... Hoping, wishing, praying that it will all stop.

It's a constant push-pull. I'm constantly forcing myself to "keep going" even though I don't want to.

I grew up with trauma and PTSD and was trying to "deal with" panic attacks, dissociation, fight/flight, for as long back as I can remember.

I assumed that that's just how life is for everyone.

I assumed that no one wants to get up in the mornings, everyone has to force themselves to keep going in life.

I try to pick the "least worst" stuff and stay busy doing that.

But my subconscious just wants it all to stop and go away.

Often, my conscious mind will make plans and set up commitments and then my subconscious mind will find ways to f*ck them up and subvert them, to try and get its way and make everything "go away" as much as possible.

I feel like it's a tug of war between my conscious, rational mind ("We have to keep going") and my subconscious, who wants everything to grind to a screetching halt and wants the kind of nothingness only found in outer space.

 

[Sideways]

Yep. During my major depressive episode (which went on and on, for years), life was all about acting in spite of how I felt.

Not wanting to do anything, not being able to enjoy anything, just wanting to be alone.

And having to keep doing regardless.

It was very shit.

 

[mszl]

I know how you feel.
This was my life until I've started therapy. Being scared to move from bed in the morning. Waiting till the last possible moment to start doing my responsibilities.
I got bit better after I started professional care, but it's still far from being any good. Now I just feel apathetic, tired. I do things in autopilot mode. My thoughts escape from here and now, and grounding seem to require more energy than I can spare at the moment. The urge to stop and take pause in "life" is still there just quieter.
It's a very crappy state to be in. I'm sorry you have to go through it.

 

[arfie]

total empathy, ecdysis. on top of the child conditioning, it often feels like i have entirely too many adult size reasons why wallowing in my misery sounds like a public service. at least i'm not out f*cking things up while i'm busy wallowing.

"reframing" helps me over these humps. language nerd that i am, sometimes i like to call it, "grammar therapy." changing little phrases like, "have to" to "get to" can make it a bit easier to fake it till i make it. easier, but still not easy. sometimes getting through the least repulsive of my options is the best i can do. i let that be okay, too.

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
god please grant me patience. NOW, GODDAMMIT! ! !

i find compassionate humor to be a great reframing tool.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah. This is not a new thing for me. The earliest I can remember it starting is age 7 and it's been a permanent fixture since then, so for 40 years now.

I actually feel quite a profound relief today, having finally put this in words and facing up to the fact that it's an issue I need to deal with in therapy.

My only approach to it so far has been to grit my teeth, suck it up, just keep going and hoping it will eventually disappear.

But that hasn't worked. It's just kept me functional.

Unless I want to spend the next 40 years in the same state, I'm going to have to tackle this head on.

I think the relief comes from this having been a taboo for me, for a long time.

I felt like I couldn't admit this, even to myself, because if I did, my life would fall apart.

Well, my life has already fallen apart, so thanks to the (almost) nothing left to lose motto, I can now finally "afford" to face this particular truth and work to do something about it, to hopefully truly shift it.

It's with me, nearly every moment of every day.

 

[mszl]

I actually feel quite a profound relief today, having finally put this in words and facing up to the fact that it's an issue I need to deal with in therapy.

I hope you'll get the help you deseve and be able to live your life. It's never too late to start healing.
For me it also took a long time to realize that I'm unable to deal with my problems without professional help.