Sexual Assault Was I Molested/raped As A Child?

[hiddensecrets4]

Hello,

Recently this past year I was taken into a bathroom stall by a man while under the influence and underwent a sexual encounter. It was my first encounter with rape. Or was it? The feeling I have towards this situation has triggered another thought. Was I molested and/or raped as a child?

My parents have been divorced since I was a year old. I saw my father on weekends/every other weekend if my mother allowed until fourth grade. I was nine/ten years old at the time my father stopped picking me up for weekend visits. Why he stopped seeing me? I am unsure. Recently I have come in contact with him, I turned 18 years old and decided that I have the option to reach out to him. My mom is an alcoholic and has a very codependent relationship with me, but she has always tried to protect me from him. Whether she knows something I do not know about him leaving. I am unsure. I have an older sister as well, she is four years older than I. Since I have started talking to my dad, I have got a weird vibe from him. He also talks about sex, sexualizes women, and talks about himself in a cocky/sexual way. He made reference the other day to how he took a picture of his private parts at a wedding ceremony on a camera and they showed it on the screen, not knowing it would be on there. From what I remember when I was younger my sister and I would share the same bed as my dad while sleeping. He lived in apartments, hotels, and my grandparents basement through the times we used to see him. As a 50 year old man he still lives in my grandparent's basement. I do not know why he still lives with them.

Around sixth grade I could not be alone. I HAD to have a boyfriend. I am also a very pretty girl, so many guys are attracted to me. Ever since sixth grade I have had a boyfriend. I was kissing and making out with guys. Seventh grade I started getting more sexual than a junior higher should. I started giving hand jobs, etc. I thought the emptiness of not having a father figure in my life may have been the reason for this, but deep down I feel like something must have happened at a young age that I cannot consciously remember.

Growing up I have always wanted to be dressed up, looking 100%, being as close to perfect as one could in-case I saw my father in public. As well as being deathly afraid of him being near me. Whenever I left the house I would look back behind me a couple of times a minute to make sure no one was following me. At night it was even worse. I have always been worried that there was someone in my room at all times. I had to check every corner to make sure no one was hiding yet I still had this aching feeling someone was watching me, someone was there waiting for me to go to sleep. I have to be aware of all my surroundings at all times. I have terrors of someone hiding in the house while I am alone. After reconnecting with my "father" I have felt a closure to the stalkings and "men in my house" ideas.

My freshman year of high school, I dated a junior boy. We engaged in sexual activity every single day for 8 months before I started to tell him that I did not want to do it anymore. It was a very controlling relationship. I could only wear certain clothes to school and I could not wear makeup nor talk to any boys and/or girls. He was the "first" guy I had vaginal intercourse with. I cried afterwords, and for days and we broke off the relationship. After this happened my eating disorder and self harm started on the up-rise. I was eating 250-500 calories a day while going to the gym to burn off the calories. On the days I would binge I would make myself throw up and use laxatives. My anxiety was out the roof as well as my depression and I started scratching at my face, arms, and legs. Then I was introduced to the razor and that led to scars on my wrists. This has been a five year long game of winning and losing against recovery. But I feel like it triggered my emotions to my younger self.

Here are some things that make me wonder: (overcomingsexualabuse)
1. I cannot stand to be touched in certain sexual ways
2. I am compulsively seductive
3. I cannot be sexual unless I am the aggressor
4. I have fantasies of of dominance or rape
5. Sometimes I fear or sense that someone is in my bedroom
6. Basements terrify me
7. I am always alert to the possibility of sexual assault
8. I frequently take dangerous risks
9. I am afraid to get too emotionally close to anyone, even in romantic long relationships I do not let myself get attached because I need to feel dominant
10. I used to make myself throw up in hatred of myself, take laxatives frequently (more than I should), and exercise too much to control my weight
11. I also used to starve myself to the point I would shake and pass out
12. I gag very easily
13. I involve myself with self harm: throwing up, cutting, scratching, etc.
14. I instinctively know and do what others want or need without having to be told
15. I often feel like I have no right to set limits or to say no
16. I feel the need to be perfect
17. I do not cry. I do not cry. I do not cry. Unless something is TERRIBLY wrong
17. I often feel I am being watched
18. I have multiple personalities
ETC.

What are your thoughts?

 

[joeylittle]

Are you in therapy?

Right now, whether or not you were molested strikes me as secondary to getting help for your symptoms and getting stabilized. There's probably work to be done on your recent assault as well.

Memories come when they come. Regardless, it sounds like you need help.

 

[XXbabydollXX]

I will be here if you need any help at all. I was molested a child by my father too. Most likely you have memories but they are being repressed. Try asking your mom about your dad.

 

[Iluvhorses]

Perhaps you were assaulted, but just dont remember it because you were so young?

 

[Sideways]

I agree with @joeylittle - because regardless of what happened in the past (we'll deal with that in time, really we will), you need support for what's happening right now. The distress that you're describing- life doesn't need to be like that. It doesn't need to be this awful. And you can get support regardless of your background. You don't need to justify seeking help.

Sometimes I think that when people come here with questions like yours (and they do, and some stick around cause this place can be an awesome support, even when you have great big question marks), it feels like the supportive thing to say is, yeah, you've repressed something.

I'm not sure why that is - maybe it's validation. But there's actually no way any of us can answer your question. We're just strangers guessing. And in the long run, it's almost as awful deciding "this must be true", then finding out it's caused by something else, as it is to just find out it's true.

Memories, if they're there, need to surface in their own time. If you push your brain to solve this problem before it's ready to give you access to your past, it will go right ahead and fill your memory up with whatever makes sense. It can be a frustratingly painful process letting your mind free up past memories of it's own accord, but at least that way you have some security knowing what's real.

Memory is a tricky little bastard, and sometimes, for some, they never 'remember, although they can still heal. Others yet have 'memories', but due to the age they're formed, they come as body sensations rather than the realtime movies of your adult life. These are things that you should work through with a specialist.

I hope in the short term you find the support you need. In the longer term, I hope you find the answers that help you heal. There are many different things that could have caused the symptoms you're describing, but seeking some support is the first step regardless.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't think anyone can answer that question for you - the things you describe could be any one of a dozen things, or nothing at all. Thi mind is a powerful thing and we can convince ourselves of all sorts, trigger physical symptoms, make links and undermine our health and wellbeing just by trying to figure out what might or might not have happened. I think there's also a tendency to look for a reason for characteristics that are just parts of us that we struggle with.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but by trying to make links in your mind you run the risk of following the wrong trail. You know you had an adverse sexual experience recently and you need help for that and its impact on you. You may find that working on that resolves some of the things you note above, you may find that it brings back clear memories of previous experiences, or not. But working on the current issue will help you process it and then whatever may come will come when it's ready.

I think sometimes we feel that the "thing" we're dealing with couldn't possibly be severe enough to have he impact at it does, so there must be something else fuelling the fire. Sometimes there is, sometimes not but if you're in distress a good therapist will be able to hold you safely while you work it out.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Have you ever had any therapy at all? It's amazing that you've been existing like you have without reaching out for help. What some others here have said is so true. You need help period. That's step one. Then as you progress you can try to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you feel. I wouldn't worry too much about that yet. I think it's safe to say that you were exposed to some serious trauma, either at the hands of your father or maybe something else entirely, but that can be explored later. For now, get help and get safe.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Memories, if they're there, need to surface in their own time. If you push your brain to solve this problem before it's ready to give you access to your past, it will go right ahead and fill your memory up with whatever makes sense. It can be a frustratingly painful process letting your mind free up past memories of it's own accord, but at least that way you have some security knowing what's real.

Thi mind is a powerful thing and we can convince ourselves of all sorts, trigger physical symptoms, make links and undermine our health and wellbeing just by trying to figure out what might or might not have happened. I think there's also a tendency to look for a reason for characteristics that are just parts of us that we struggle with.

Ageed! I did that. I had fragmented memories and filled in the blank of a sexual assult. I didnt have the person right. It made sense to me the way the memories laid out but it wasnt true. I accused the wrong person which led to all sorts of unnecessary bad stuff. And then took years to undo and allow my true memory of whom did it to surface. Unnecessary wasted years.

Let your memory come to you by itself. And if it never comes then it doesnt and isnt necessary to heal. No matter what dont fill in blanks.

 

[Muttly]

I agree with with the others are saying. For me, it turns out it was my dad, but trying to figure that out before I was ready did me no good. It just led me to chase around in circles thinking it was true, then freaking out and crashing mentally. Then grasping at other straws, was it my brother? was it the dentist? etc. While all that was going on, I wasn't doing the healing, stabilizing work I needed to do.

In some ways, it doesn't matter if it was your dad. I mean, yes, of course it does. At the same time, what really matters is you are struggling with all that you have listed out. That you have been hurt. That you need and deserve healing.

 

[Mach123]

I had (still have) repressed memories of CSA and like you, I put this together by looking at all the symptoms. It's like solving for X in algebra. If you know the values of Y and Z then X = (sexual abuse). You can also substitute the work trauma but I do think sexual abuse is somewhat of a separate issue mostly because of the behaviors involved. My therapist treats survivors of CSA only. I think this is important. I had several "regular" therapists and they thought they could do it but they really couldn't.

Someone told me once, one of the first times I said it out loud, the only time I said it in a group situation actually, that I had done the hardest part. So you hopefully have done the hardest part. You said it out loud.

The greatest/worst power the abuser gains over us is silence.

 

[Deleted member 37605]

I am not going to pretend to be the world's greatest expert on CSA.

But I really don't see any hard evidence that you were sexually assaulted as a child. Your dad, though he's not perfect, is still your dad. You are accusing him of doing some of the worst crimes imaginable on the planet on the basis of circumstantial evidence.

Just reading what you are posting and playing armchair psychologist. Your mom is an alcoholic and you have been living with her, absent from a male role model. I have heard many stories where the children of divorced parents tend to become sexually active at a young age. My cousin was 16 and she started seeing a married man who was 44 years old. She was the child of divorced parents and her dad was something of a jerk. But this is not proof of abuse.

Your condition seems to be based on a lot of repressed anger towards your dad. Possibly because you resent him leaving you alone with your mother.