K
Kikib
I'm Kiki,
I'm 19 years old now but I've always wanted to know why I had certain symptoms of certain things. As a kid around the time I was in 1st grade I had rape fantasies . I use to think I would get in trouble if I talked about it so I kept it as a secret for years. I would masterbate all the time. I used my brothers action figures once but any other time I used a pillow or my fingers. I felt bad after I was finished I felt like somebody was watching me. I would some times take a blanket in the shower with me as a child and imagine someone on top of me. And in response I would say no out loud. I didn't know what was going on with me. As a kid I used to crave sex as if I already knew the feeling of it. I use to struggle paying attention in class, I would day dream about a lot of things but majority of the time I hummed songs, and thought of sex or rape. I never did well in school I was often placed in classses for slower kids. I wet the bed up to 5th grade and wet my pants at school all the time. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. On the school bus I started becoming close with a boy I had class with. we was in 2nd grade then. we never had sex on the bus I just allowed him to kiss me/ and lick places. I struggle with anxiety now I have never dated anyone before in my life. I have low self esteem. when I was a child I wore baggy clothes, and would prefer braids to the back like a boy. I didn't want to be a girl. I once prayed to God that he would change me to a boy.its so much more I could say but the thing is I don't ever remember being sexually abused as a child. I need some advice.
I'm 19 years old now but I've always wanted to know why I had certain symptoms of certain things. As a kid around the time I was in 1st grade I had rape fantasies . I use to think I would get in trouble if I talked about it so I kept it as a secret for years. I would masterbate all the time. I used my brothers action figures once but any other time I used a pillow or my fingers. I felt bad after I was finished I felt like somebody was watching me. I would some times take a blanket in the shower with me as a child and imagine someone on top of me. And in response I would say no out loud. I didn't know what was going on with me. As a kid I used to crave sex as if I already knew the feeling of it. I use to struggle paying attention in class, I would day dream about a lot of things but majority of the time I hummed songs, and thought of sex or rape. I never did well in school I was often placed in classses for slower kids. I wet the bed up to 5th grade and wet my pants at school all the time. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. On the school bus I started becoming close with a boy I had class with. we was in 2nd grade then. we never had sex on the bus I just allowed him to kiss me/ and lick places. I struggle with anxiety now I have never dated anyone before in my life. I have low self esteem. when I was a child I wore baggy clothes, and would prefer braids to the back like a boy. I didn't want to be a girl. I once prayed to God that he would change me to a boy.its so much more I could say but the thing is I don't ever remember being sexually abused as a child. I need some advice.
