Dom Violence Watching Mom Get Beaten

[garden]

My earliest childhood memories are of my mother being beaten and verbally abused in front of my brother and I. It's almost hard to understand why the police never came to break it up, it was so lound and violent...but those were different times I guess. We used to barricade ourselves behind pillows on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed in terror. My moms boyfriend, who later became my stepfather (they're still married), used to scream at us to shut up, and his voice would crack, and his face was scary. This happened regularly with short periods of relative peace. My brother and I were also beaten. There was no way to avoid getting a beating, because it was not a result of something we deliberately did, so there was no telling when it might happen. For example, I was asked to get the aspirin bottle from the medicine cabinet and bring it to my stepdad, when he was done with it he told me to put it back. After I put it back he asked me if I put it on the shelf or in the medicine cabinet. I answered shelf. I got a beating for putting it on the shelf, instead of putting it back in the medicine cabinet where it 'belonged'. I would be scared to respond to these questions because they were trick questions and I was never sure which response would spare me from a beating. I strived to be a good girl because I believed that would help reduce the problems at home. Even though it did not work, I was still hopeful somehow, and I did not give up on behaving. My brother, on the other hand, started acting out, majorly, and I had to witness him being beaten down repeatedly by our step dad. My step dad used my brothers bad behavior as a reason why he should be sent away. I was in the 1st grade when my brother was sent away, and he did not return for 7 years. My brother and I are 1 year apart and prior to his departure we were inseperable. Our bond was never regained. Watching mom get beaten was one of the most horrible things ever, it might be worse than being sexually abused, or being separated from my brother. The violence is somehow inside of me still. I don't beat things or people, I am not unkind verbally, or deliberately hurtful to others, or misdirect my anger...I am very careful with how I treat others, yet somehow I can feel the violence sitting in my body like a silent, heavy, spirit. It's not something I direct outwards, it's just there taking up space...and hurting me still.

 

[Recovery4Me]

hugs- if you accept. I clicked like because it takes courage to come forward and wrestle with DV childhood memories. Stopping the cycle of abuse through open dialog (such as what you offered) and awareness of self choices becomes paramount if we are not to pass forward the violence to others as well as our children.

I hear that you are taking great strides to break the pattern. I am a survivor ...and I am glad to know you. There is strength in hope and numbers. You will find many of us here will share your journey in friendship and compassion.

 

[Powder]

I think there may be some bad repressed memory of my mom getting beaten by my dad when I was too small to encode the memory.

Every time they had a fight/row in the kitchen area, I'd hide my sister, and I would overcome my fear and come out and stand between him and her. I fully expected him to try to kill her, over and over again, with no real "evidence" and often when things probably were dying down.

When he told me not to disclose the sexual abuse because "it would kill her" I took it to mean he would do it properly this time. :(

I have a flashback of thinking someone is killing "us" and I am not sure if it's her or a sibling, and I have no visuals or words or sounds to go with the memory. This flashback makes me scream and scream. No idea who the attacker(s) was/were or who I was with.

I agree that domestic violence memories, especially, are hard for kids (and the adults they become) to assimilate, and to process or move on from. What makes it especially hard is why the whole family is in denial and gaslights.

The violence does sit inside. I keep thinking I'm going to be attacked. Seeing people eating is a trigger. I find it hard to eat in public. For domestic violence or complex trauma survivors triggers are simple, daily things.

My kids don't get meals at the dinner table. It's too disturbing to me to eat around a table, and to see people eating facing me is unbearable. It's like all hell is about to break loose, and I find it too disturbing to have an appetite.

I make healthy, homemade food for them, but, we eat around the TV, not facing each other, most of the time. People say my child is missing out on family meals around a table, which makes me sad. But I feel like I can't handle it.

 

[Lionheart]

@Lewa I can totally relate as I witnessed my mother being beaten and raped when I was young. I also took beatings and tried to be on my best behavior to avoid it. Thankfully I have mostly healed from the experience but I have never forgotten it in the least. My heart goes out to you and I wish you healing, peace and comfort.

 

[garden]

@Recovery4Me @Muse @Lionheart777 Thank you for your kind words and your understanding. It is a comfort to be able to express this and still feel safe.

I know how common this is, and it sickens me.

Every time she was being beaten I was afraid that he was going to kill her. He used to choke her, and it sounded (to me) like she was dying, her throat made these noises. I will never forget those noises coming from her throat. I don't know why this has been stirred up, but I have been remembering those times and the things that happened. I'm scared, and sad, and jumpy, and stuck in some way. I look around my home and at my life and try to remind myself that I have everything I've ever wanted, right here, right now...but it doesn't work. It's like I'm trapped in hell and can't escape.

I am stopping a pattern of abuse. I will be okay eventually. This is just part of the process. Right? Tomorrow I start therapy again, and will be getting this all under control...

 

[Powder]

I look around my home and at my life and try to remind myself that I have everything I've ever wanted, right here, right now...but it doesn't work. It's like I'm trapped in hell and can't escape.

That is it exactly. I also feel "I, myself, am hell" from the Skunk Hour poem.

What is it you need to accept? That is what I ask myself, when it has gone on long enough that I've marinated in it. I ask myself that. Usually, I need to self-validate something simple and profound. But it has helped to say it out loud first and get validation from a trusted other at least once, and then I can internalize that and self-validate.

You express yourself so clearly for being stuck in this. I think that will assist you if you can get in touch with whatever it is that needs your stamp of approval of "yes, this happened, this is what it felt like, and so on." Each of the details, such as that terrible sound, has to be made sense of, understood deeply, compared to life now, and so on. How does it affect me know? All of it must be quantified, measured, labeled, and then when you've done that, it gets shelved.

I hope you find the best person to be a good listener and who will help you however your processing needs to go.

 

[garden]

@Muse

Each of the details, such as that terrible sound, has to be made sense of, understood deeply, compared to life now, and so on. How does it affect me know? All of it must be quantified, measured, labeled, and then when you've done that, it gets shelved.

This is something that I avoid doing. I realize that it might be a mistake, and going through all of it in that way may actually help. I'm going into therapy with a different attitude, and with different intentions this time, and I pray it works.

I have used therapy to feel better, and as soon as I'm managing well enough, I stop going to therapy. Now I'm going to stay in, even if it's only to check in once a month, I'm going to stay in and try to learn to manage myself better for the long term.

 

[Powder]

I honor that approach as valid as well.

For me, the same stuff keeps coming back until I just deal with it, but I think people can deal with it on various levels. I'm still uncertain about that.

Some say, you have to deal with it analytically, but others argue you can bypass that with somatic work. Others say that won't last. So I don't know. Maybe it gets worked through various levels, in different ways for different people's needs or abilities.

This is not something that is easy to write about or talk about, I'm sure. So much of this is too subtle to put into words.

I support your efforts because I truly believe in the wisdom of the survivor to work at their own pace and how they determine is best. And if that changes, that's okay. I support all survivors to trust yourself to do what's best for you and work at your own desired levels. Yes, " will be getting this all under control" is what you said, and I am sure we handle that on so many levels that it is mind blowing. That is how we survived.

Thank you because this gives me a kind of reminder to respect myself for surviving and for being able to carry on.

Also, I hate that this happened to anyone else. My coworker friend related that her 9th birthday entailed watching her step dad pull her mom away by her hair and hearing the beating. :( My tummy drops to hear other's stories because I watched the same thing.

 

[Ellabella44]

Im working through this right now with my t. Going through family history, and tracking how my parents became a perfect environment for me to have this. Pretty similar story , he'd beat her, I would get my brother and hide him, stand there protecting him in case we were next, and then she shared the "joy" of taking his crap with us when she was angry at us. (in other words she "gave us what we deserved" until she thought it was enough)

As a kid, I had not wanted to even mention it. Thinking that if i mention it, i get taken away and seperated from my brother. And I didnt want to be someone that this happened to. If I ignore it, after being out of the situation, it goes away .... right?

Going through it honestly and looking at all the pieces, well its helping me make sense of it all. I know she wants me to look at it in a different way. More in the sense "look at all the odds against you, and you survived and didnt repeat the pattern with your own kids" ( she said this to me today)

Like you Lewa, i think now avoiding talking about this was a mistake. And I really do hope that sticking with therapy and not avoiding it will help you.

I end up going back to something my sister in law said though that the reason you deal with this now, is because you are ready to look at it and feeling safe enough and secure enough to face it.

may not be a comfort to know others still feel the trapped in hell feeling. But you are not alone.

A different way to look at the violence inside of you still, is well the way im looking at mine right now. That anger that builds up and feels uncontrolable helped you survive everything you went through. It gave you a drive to want to survive despite the unsafe environment given to you by two adults who should have loved and cared for you instead of offering a life of walking on eggshells in between the times your step dad lost it.

 

[Friday]

He used to choke her, and it sounded (to me) like she was dying, her throat made these noises. I will never forget those noises coming from her throat...

Every time there's something sensational on the news about someone being choked (like recently)... An indignant part of my leaps up and all but shouts "That's not what it sounds like!"

((I'm not DID. It's just an angry, pissed off part of me.))

And it's even worse, when well meaning idiots hop on board and talk about how someone can't breathe / they're being choked!!!. Noooooooo. They can clearly breathe, because they're complaining about not being able to. If you can talk? You can breathe. Dude might be panicking and feel like he can't breathe... But he's still talking up a storm. He's breathing.

Movies, sometimes, too. Because the actors get it wrong... Because they're not actually being choked. Although that's easier to ignore. It's fiction. They're actors. It's like a silenced bullet making a zweep! sound isn't how suppressed rounds sound.

It's a horrible sound, in real life.

Spoiler: Pretty Gnarly Description, skip if it will bother you

Wet slapping ripping sounds... Not words. Like rape, wet flesh against flesh, and tearing as things are forced to do things they're not meant to, as the tongue and tissues are crushed into each other and forced to move against each other. Even afterwards, the words aren't there, even though there's sometimes voice. Tissues too swollen and damaged to make more than animal like noises, grunts and whispers... If the coughing and vomiting allows for anything. Horrible sounds, too. And wonderful sounds. Because they're not dead. As relieving as hearing them start to be choked is terrifying. And worlds away different from what most people think choking sounds like.

I don't know if all the media coverage & social media yowling recently triggered your choking memories, the same way they hit mine... But if the sound being "wrong" eats at you... It's been a media frenzy for months.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate to Friday's post. I get a bit indignant when people even post "I can't breathe". Believe me, if you're typing a post at the computer... you can breathe.

My dad choked my mother only several times that I could recall. My ex husband though did that to me multiple times, even to the point where my left eye hemorrhaged a couple times.

 

[garden]

@FridayJones I agree completely. The spoiler is waaay accurate...