Weekends Are So Hard For Me.

[The Albatross]

In recovery for substance abuse by the way... relying on people too heavily gets you two things: Resentment or Retaliation. Expecting people to fill a need in ourselves... is irrational... it is us who must fill the need and then we can enjoin with others.

 

[falling_wave]

I get that I'm just hurting and really can't hear that I'm causing it right now. I'm open to growth but just in pain. I know you have good intentions and hopefully I will be able to attack it when I'm not so down.

 

[The Albatross]

Pain, is one of nature's assurities, it's adversity and it comes in many forms. Adversity training might be a good self study. I did it. It has helped me immensely. I view with a certain levity now the difference between my mental/emotional condition and "Life". Don't discount your ability to sustain work relations... build on it and find your own way of managing your distress and anxiety with weekends.

 

[The Albatross]

When you are in "what it feels like" you are amplifying exactly the thing that you profess you do not want. Nix the feeling and problem solve. It better serves you moving forward, honest.

 

[Chava]

I want and need someone who genuinely wants to be around me and my whole world would change. I can't stand this pain. It's like I need to be able to cry out all of my tears with someone who can hold me and make me feel safe. Then maybe I could move forward.

I get that and its actually very much where I am at. I try not to believe everything would be just right if I had someone who really cared about me. But truth is, feeling like you have a good friend does make a huge difference because I've experienced it...even when they're not around, I feel less alone in the world. Most animals hang out in pairs or little colonies. We humans seem to have more roadblocks to easy connection, trauma certainly among them. I have had a really hard time feeling alone when extremely stressed but I also can't stand people in those states, so I get really trapped (I hate being with myself and I hate being with others). It's hard to make steady steps inward toward relationships.

Why do you think your therapist is keeping stuff on the surface? Just curious because I've usually had the opposite problem (I keep it at surface level). Have you been in therapy long? Do you feel like the work is helping with the original trauma and/or relationships (they are intertwined for me, not suer how it is for you). Healing is hard and it is challenging to know who we can trust and talk to about this stuff. I grew up in a chilly house and have a hard time even trusting my therapist with stuff like basic emotional support. It's all new territory for me and I shy away easily because I don't do overwhelm very well.

Hang in there. We can be alone together this weekend (I'm sick, but I'd still be alone...this is just where I'm at).

 

[falling_wave]

Why do you think your therapist is keeping stuff on the surface? Just curious because I've usually had the opposite problem (I keep it at surface level). Have you been in therapy long? Do you feel like the work is helping with the original trauma and/or relationships (they are intertwined for me, not suer how it is for you). Healing is hard and it is challenging to know who we can trust and talk to about this stuff. I grew up in a chilly house and have a hard time even trusting my therapist with stuff like basic emotional support. It's all new territory for me and I shy away easily because I don't do overwhelm ver well.

I think she's keeping stuff on the surface because I tend to go too deep too fast because I have a lot of motivation for doing the hard emotion work to get out of this. She has told me before that my psyche needs to feel what it is like to be at peace. I think she's normalizing my isolation from others due to where I am in life and encouraging me to connect on meetup etc. all of which I am doing. I think I need to remind her that there is background in my feelings because I don't think in the moment is fully helpful. To some degree yes but it's not taking it away or resolving anything but she has been immensely helpful in the past. I also think without anyone else she is being careful about how emotionally attached I get to her because she knows I need that. I've been in therapy two years and it's all intertwined. My whole makes a lot of connections.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah mine does too... make a lot of connections... but I pause and choose the one that is generally more beneficial in the longer term.

 

[The Albatross]

You are what you focus on gal.

 

[Chava]

I think she's normalizing my isolation from others due to where I am in life

Some isolation is okay. I do better at tolerating big changes actually with more isolation and quiet. But I actually go too far into keeping busy, present, or in-the-moment with solitary projects. I've done this for years. And now it's all feeling like a sort of joke because I realize, while solitude is good, how I am also endlessly distracting myself and never working on relationships. Feels like I've been distracting myself from emptiness for a really long time...I don't know how to function without the distractions but they don't feel real anymore. It's really hard to find the right balance. I can do alone well, but I never leave it.

 

[The Albatross]

The whole point Chava, it that when we are at times independent of others, we can be cool with that and call it "solitude". I need that... not all do but I want to be self sustaining first. I want to be comfortable with those times I am alone, and I am. Now, but I had to work at it. It is called autonomous or independent. Relationships are far better from that angle.

 

[Chava]

@The Albatross I understand healthy solitude. I've experienced it. I've had it, I've lost it, I've had it again. I've had it and realized I was also actually deep into a cocoon away from the rest of the world. It's not black and white, like I learned the skill one week and then was set for life. But as I've mentioned to you before I think, I'm glad for you if you've figured it all out. If I could simply take all of your words and heal myself I could quit therapy and wrestling with the insurance company...I'd gladly do that.

I also understand that relationships are better when we enter as independent and whole selves, vs expecting a relationship to complete us...not a concept I need to be educated on. But I also understand simply needing other humans when I'm hurting and the horrid pain of often not knowing how to access support...part of why I'm in therapy. And sort of why I'm on a web forum dressed up as a snail...

 

[The Albatross]

With all due respect, the original poster is talking about weekends. If you learned the skill in one week it was a habit but not a behavior. 6 months creates the behavior.

You of course can do or take whatever you wish. I have a pesky habit of challenging thoughts as that is what I do for myself on a many times daily basis. Do I wish that it was easier? Um, hell yeah, but it's not so I manage.

Do I expect others to do it? Um, nope... your life, your travels, your journey. I'm just saying what my own personal experience is and I am far from stellar or an A student.