General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

Why are they normal with others but not with me?

I keep seeing this question and I think to myself...well duh. It makes perfect sense. Or - maybe that's just to me?

I have people in my life, but only a handful know that I have ptsd -- and none of them know the whole story. Which can be a problem when I forget who I have told what to. It's important to me that they don't know - because I don't think they can handle it. Good, bad, indifferent that may be, but I don't ever want them to see me like I see myself most times STILL even after years of therapy. I don't want them to see the pathetic whiner who did horrible things to survive. I don't want to ever have them have that picture of me in their head. I don't care that they think it will be ok. It wont. I know because I was there. It will change how they look at me. And I wont risk that.

So I monitor what I say. Constantly. I try my damnedest to hide my symptoms and act normal when I'm around even my closest supporters It never fools hubby but it can fool others. And really - that's what its all about. Hiding symptoms. With everyone

I know where to direct the conversation to avoid talking about me. I'm a great listener because then they aren't asking me questions. I have an entire library in my brain of fluffy topics that I can use to keep people engaged and yet keep them at a distance. And it's easy to do. I'm the person everyone likes to talk to, the "oh she was so nice" gal. And they have no idea I'm screaming inside my head. I'm that good. I've had many years of practice

I finally figured out that's what supporters are seeing. Their sufferer out in the world, engaged, laughing, being a person. Then they come home and barely communicate. Well duh. I can't do the fluffy topic thing with hubby, and I can't tell him about the horrible thoughts racing thru my mind, so the best thing to do is shut down (hide). And I know that hurts him. And its the hamster wheel from hell again. I can't tell him what I'm thinking, I can't fake it with him, I'm hurting him, I need to let him go....

and so on....

 

[RRT13]

@Freida do you think some people keep superficial relationships and act like nothings wrong when there really is. And keep the ones they love at a distance because we know they're struggling at the moment? I feel like this is what my vet does and even what I do at times when I'm really stressed.

 

[Freida]

Yep.

But I'm not sure that's just people with ptsd. Everyone has those superficial friendships..some people are just closer than others. My guess is ptsd makes it worse because of the facade factor

For me it's the facade that I'm ok. Part of my ptsd involves making sure no one knows I am broken. My life depended on my ability to pretend I was ok so even now I keep the facade up at all costs. In my addled little brain this thread is dangerous because I talk about how I feel. I do it as a form of exposure therapy - But only because it's anonymous

Superficial relationships are easy because you can just walk away. No need to explain, no need to think, no need to worry about them. They never see the person (and problems) underneath. Real relationships are a much bigger problem - because I actually give a damn about the person I'm involved with. Hubby knows when I'm having a bad day and that make me crazy because I know he worries. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and shame anyway and I KNOW that if he ever found out why he would drop me like a hot rock. (see -- I know it and I also know it's not true. Very brain painish) So I'm headed for hell and I'm going to be dragging him with me - which I don't want to do because I love him. So I push him away. Luckily we've been on this merry go round long enough that he just waits for me to come back and we pick up where we left off. I do it with everyone I allow to get close to me - because I'm trying to protect them.

That's where I think a lot of the ptsd brain goes haywire - we think we are helping yo by keeping you at a distance

 

[Louski]

Thank you once again @Freida. This is so incredibly helpful and keeps me feeling hope, and I just want to say from the bottom of my heart again how grateful I am to you.

Your grace and heartfelt, intelligent and complex sharing of your own experiences is so comforting, and so generous and I have a huge amount of respect for you. Thank you for being here for us supporters, and please know I will do my best in return to be there for you x

 

[Freida]

Thanks @Louski

I started this on a whim but I keep going because it is part of my exposure therapy (saying how I feel and all that). You have no idea how very helpful it has been for me to have interactions with people who don't hate me because I'm crazy once in a while.

 

[anonymous]

My mother (who happens to be a clinical psychologist with a PhD) always says "The only people who are normal are the ones you don't know very well."

 

[Freida]

As I'm bopping around the supporters site it seems like sufferers are ramping up. Then I realized..hmmm.. so am I! Thought it was because of EMDR but now realizing I'm hearing air raid sirens -- and it is way to early for those. So tried to find the triggers --- China getting ready to go to war (can't remember with who) and everywhere you look are assault rifles, shootings and gun debates. Yep chances are that's gonna rile up some of us vets. then add Korea holding the olympics and yep. I'm triggered.

I don't get violent when my ptsd acts up. Sarcasm is my weapon of choice which is why it is so crucial to me that I isolate. I can destroy people with just a few well placed words. Sometimes I wish I did punch holes in walls or break a bunch of dishes. Then maybe I could get it out. But I can't do anything that might break a nail and seeing the struggles those who do go that route have indicates it may not be such a good idea. Friend of mine suggested getting a punching bag... hmmmm..

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi @Freida. My guy is going through a sh*t ton of personal issues and then add all the b.s. going on in the world around us. Of course he's gonna.....snap.

His nightmares are at an all time high and sleep is hit or miss. Mostly miss. He's really having a hard time right now and he's doing the best he can. Even went to the VA on his own accord. He knows he's in a bad place and truly trying to figure it out.

He's angry, mad, depressed, sad, worried, anxious, tired and scared. Where's all the d*mn numbness when you need it?

He's had SI in the past and mentioned last night he gets that way when he's hurting his loved ones. He can handle sh*t unless he sees his actions are affecting his family. So I'm in a tricky situation because some of his words are breaking me and I can't let him see what it's doing to me.

We're talking alot when he's calm and really trying to figure this all out. When he wakes up from a nightmare he has no idea when or where he's at. He wakes up fighting (figuratively) for his life. When he went to the VA yesterday they mentioned if he had another severe panic attack he may have to be admitted for a 30 day stay. I think it could be a good idea BUT he'll have to wait a month because he has to take care of a few legal matters. And by that time his stress will be decreased sooooo. Who the f*ck knows? Not me!

He's doing his best to push me away that's for sure! But i ain't going nowhere. We'll get through this it's just gonna be a little bumpy that's all. Ha!!

I'll take your sarcasm over J's meanness any day. After all I was born and raised sarcastic.

Love you my friend! Take care of yourself. XO

 

[Louski]

I am so exceptionally grateful to this thread, and all of you! Sometimes it can just get so relentless and scary and then I remember, you are all here and we are all holding firm; supporters and sufferers alike, fighting back, standing as strong as we can. We reaching out for help, and catching eachother, and it makes me feel like it’s gonna be ok.

@Freida every single day I am grateful for you. I would be without hope , but for your insight which seems to be so close to my man’s experience.

So, I have had one text this week on Tuesday, and that was in response to me asking if he could text and let me know he was ok. He said “I’m fine”.

Nothing else. But I have remained patient. I have given space as a loving act (thanks so much for this @Sweetpea76). I have only texted today and I told him a funny story and didn’t expect a response.

I have a Netflix account, which he has a profile on. When he was away when we were long distance, sometimes he used to tell me that he would check my profile to see what I was watching to be closer to me. I confessed I did the same.

I have checked in a couple of times this week, and he is regularly watching things. It’s like at least I can see that, even if I hear nothing else from him, and as it is my account he is using it gives me a reminder that his isolation, though still going on, has nothing to do with me. Maybe it is a bit of a wild presumption, but I guess I take some comfort from it so it is a positive thing whether it means that or not.

Anyway just my thoughts for today. You all rock my world!

 

[Rani G2]

I can destroy people with just a few well placed words. Sometimes I wish I did punch holes in walls or break a bunch of dishes. Then maybe I could get it out. But I can't do anything that might break a nail and seeing the struggles those who do go that route have indicates it may not be such a good idea. Friend of mine suggested getting a punching bag... hmmmm..

Can i steal these words?

 

[Freida]

LOL sorry @PURUSHA it's a gift you have to be born with! :):(

 

[Freida]

@LuckiLee I'm so sorry to hear he is struggling so much. I'm gonna make an assumption --- you are what holds him together and he is damn lucky to have you.

Any chance that legal stuff can be put off for a month? As slow as legal stuff works it might be delayable? I mean - if he got hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital it would have to wait -- so whats the difference?

I'm really proud of him for reaching out! That has to be an improvement!

@Louski I'm so happy it's helping!!