General What are they thinking?

[Justmehere]

He reached out to me Friday when he found out, but by Saturday he started blaming me for all of his unhappiness and said he thinks he might need to leave me.

Anger and irritability is part of grief, and venting it, misdirecting it, is something even people without PTSD do.

He might be fear that you’ll leave him, the pain of losing people will be compounded, so if he pushes you away first, then he at least has a little sense of control,

 

[NaeNae75]

Anger and irritability is part of grief, and venting it, misdirecting it, is something even people w...

Logically I understand all of this, but being in it my logic isn't working. My emotions are on overdrive. It's taking every ounce of strength I have to not talk to him right now.
It's always a little rough to give space when he's isolating, but this time it's excruciating. Knowing the circumstances, I have zero idea on how long it will take him to come around, ...or even if at this point!
I'm not even sure if I'm hurting more for him or myself at this point. The accident was horrible. The pictures of the crash are gut wrenching. I wish he wanted me to be there for him for sympathy more than he wants to use me as the personification of everything wrong in the world. I don't know that I'm strong enough to always be made the bad guy. It's so hurtful.
It stinks that his reaction to hurting over the loss of a friend is to make me hurt and lose someone.

 

[Justmehere]

It stinks that his reaction to hurting over the loss of a friend is to make me hurt and lose someone.

It does stink. :hug:s to you.

 

[Freida]

Thank you admin....

 

[mumstheword]

Logically I understand all of this, but being in it my logic isn't working. My emotions are on overdr...

(((((Hugs))))) @NaeNae75 that would really really hurt. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. So sorry you're going through this.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[NaeNae75]

Thank you admin....

Absolutely, thank you Admin!

 

[NaeNae75]

(((((Hugs))))) @NaeNae75 that would really really hurt. You don't deserve that...

Thank you so much! I appreciate the support. I think this place, with my women's group at home and my T are what keeps me going during these periods. It gets so hard to focus. But I have so much going on right now, I have no choice but to keep myself motivated to being healthy. Healthy spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and professionally.
Some days I wish I could smash the "stress cup" right up against the wall! It makes me feel so unloved to know that when the stress cup is full....I'm always the first thing to go. Maybe that's because I'm the only thing in there that can take care of "itself". I guess logically I know that almost nothing else in that cup can manage without him. Well woo hoo for strength and independence....way to feel punished for taking care of myself...

 

[Freida]

I wish he wanted me to be there for him for sympathy more than he wants to use me as the personification of everything wrong in the world.

I've been thinking about this situation all night and ...I've got nothing. I went off a bit in my diary because oddly enough you helped me find a major trigger of my own that had driven my last isolation (and hubby thanks you for that!). I hoped that getting my stuff out might give me more insight into his behavior. But instead it showed me that I do the same damn thing. When things get really tough like this my first instinct is to push everyone away. No thoughts of how they might feel, no concern for those around me. Just shut down and power thru.

Hubby asked me a long time ago -- why do you think you have to cry alone? Not only did I not have an answer - I didn't even understand the question. T tells me all the time that in grief or fear or stress or anger that "you need someone to sit with you in your pain" And I'm only just now learning what she means by that. I have hid how I feel for so long that it's a part of who I am. Until I found this site it was truly inconceivable that sharing with other people could help me. And I only do it here because you don't know who I am.

A guess? When I'm hurting I have nothing left to help other people. And I know they need my help. They need me to be the strong one - the rescuer, the person who tells them it's going to be ok, the one who takes charge. I tell my T all the time that I know people can't handle the things I have to say, to share, to grieve, because it doesn't fit their picture of who I am, of what the world is. So when my world is falling apart, and I have no energy left to help them with, I bail. Guilt? overwhelmed? I don't know.

It sucks to write that out -- because it kind of makes me look like a monster. I will walk away from someone who is grieving because I can't handle it. I can't be there for them and for me at the same time. And that makes me feel like crap. So I get angry at them. Then I have a "reason" to walk away. Maybe it is part of the "rescuer mentality?" That I can't crack as long as someone else needs help?
Does he see you that way? is it mistranslated? You are upset and he doesn't get it's FOR him. It translates as he has to help you through your emotions because he can't tell you are upset because he is hurting? And if his stress cup is full he has nothing left to help you with? So the only option is to run. Because he hurts so much he can't handle it -- and sympathy gets translated as something else...something that will suck energy rather than give it back?? What does he do then???

Ok - this makes sense in my mind but I think I'm babbling. Oh the joys of ptsd....sigh.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

t makes me feel so unloved to know that when the stress cup is full....I'm always the first thing to go. Maybe that's because I'm the only thing in there that can take care of "itself".

I think it's the thing he cares the most (or the person he cares about most) thus you're the first to go to avoid hurting said person/thing he cares about most. Thats what I do anyway.

 

[NaeNae75]

I've been thinking about this situation all night and ...I've got nothing. I went off a bit in my diary...

@Freida , this post was so beautiful it's actually bringing tears to my eyes. Oddly enough, it makes perfect sense to me too. This sort of explains how I think about how he works...like I see it, but can't help him with it. Usually when he starts talking to me, this is a lot of what I bring up to him to see if he sees it too.
I'm glad it's helping bringing insight into your own world as well. I don't know why, but I knew somehow you could relate to him. The things you say line up quite well with his personality as well. So yes, I do see what you're saying.
Saying these things makes you the opposite of a monster. It makes you human. I think he thinks I need him a lot. Oddly enough, it's generally fairly symbiotic. We both have different strengths/weaknesses, so we try to optimize who deals with what by looking at those strengths. I'm an extremely independent person, and I actually had to train myself to ask him for things. I tried to find things to ask for that would make him feel better as a "man". I know it sounds stupid, but until I did this, there was even more friction because I made him feel inferior. I'm a pretty strong person, and I've been through a lot of my own trauma. I started my journey towards healing a long time ago. I think he mistakes the length and effort I've put into my journey as me being "stronger" than him...and I think it makes him very angry sometimes and/or guilty. So when he feels bad about himself, he translates that into me feeling bad or critical. I don't feel that way at all. I think that I'm good at some things, and hes excellent at others. I don't like competing over it.
I think when I have constructive criticism, or a different viewpoint he thinks that if I tell him my opinion, that I'm judging him. I'm not at all. I run my own businesses, so I'm used to sharing my opinions. However, I'm also VERY open to other suggestions. I know my way isn't always the best one. I enjoy debate and brainstorming. He takes a lot of that as judgement. I've tried to pull the reins back on it, but it's so prevalent in the rest of my life that it's difficult to do.
So bring on extra anxiety and or trauma.....he shuts down completely. He's so busy and overstretched on the regular that anything else sends him into overload. It manifests itself into me being the one thing he can drop from his stress cup. He knows I never really leave, and I'm capable of managing on my own. I'm a subconscious "safe bet" to push away. I know this logically, but it doesn't make the employment of the tactic feel any better...that's for sure!

But thank you for your well thought out response. It's provoking a lot of thoughts on my end as well. I know I'll never "figure it out" but at least if I can find better ways to cope or maybe prevent a little, it's worth it!

 

[NaeNae75]

I think it's the thing he cares the most (or the person he cares about most) thus you're the...

Thank you for that insight. I guess I never really looked at it like that before. In the whole time we've been doing this dance (over 8 years), he's always come back. Sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly, but always back. But that doesn't stop me from worrying every time if it's the last time I'll see him. It's a horrible feeling.

 

[NaeNae75]

Do you guys leave physically, like a different location or "check out" like mentally or in another room? He will literally try to "break up" with me every time, but will talk to me basically everyday and occasionally make plans until he's ready to come back around. This time he just said he's not sure if/when he's coming back...again not unusual. Every time he says, "I really mean it this time" but it never lasts very long. I've told him before that if he ever wants to "really" break up with me he has to do it when he's not having his stress cup overflowing. IE not during anxiety moments. I told him he can say whatever he wants, but I won't accept it or consider us broken up until he does it in a calm manor when not stressing or panicked. That has yet to happen. I don't understand it at all.
I really wish I could instill in him that if he told me he needed space without being mean and a bully to me, it would be much easier for me. I honestly don't have a lot of trouble with the space. I have trouble with being blamed for everything. How do you guys go through it? Or does it differ from time to time?