General What are they thinking?

[Never_falter2]

@somerandomguy Not sure if I get your meaning. Support with what? With gut issues. I do not now what to do? Support with not going to the formal dinner? This is his family, they invited him (invited me only because I am married to him), he wants to go there. Support with telling them he has ptsd? Some of his family members know, most don’t because his ashamed. So support with what?

 

[Kubash16]

Support by following his lead in whatever he chooses to do (such as bailing or going or going for a few minutes then bailing). There’s nothing you can do about his gut, but you can reassure him that he is in complete control of if and how long y’all go.

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy is really struggling with things right now so we're going to miss my family party tonight. It's not worth putting my guy in a stressful situation to make others happy. I love him and will do what HE needs during these times. I could go on my own but he needs me right now. As for the Christmas festival... I wouldn't expect him to go to an event where there have been terrorist attacks. That would cause undue stress, worry, hypervigalance, anger, nausea, fear, etc. etc. When it comes to J eating? He eats when and what he can. I always ask if he's eaten yet and he says, "I'll eat when I'm hungry". And I leave it at that. I always have fruit, bagels, cereal and different snacks in the house so he can grab something small. He has gone a couple of days without eating she he's symptomatic. Ask him what he wants to do and do that. Don't pressure him into something you know he's not up for.

 

[HopefulD]

This really explains a LOT!

I agree enthusiastically!!!!!

 

[Freida]

However what stresses him the most is the idea he needs to eat (and cannot choose what) and eats lots of things or it will be impolite.

any chance he can skip the main meal and just show up for dessert? That's kinda what i was thinking about as supporting. If he feels he has to go but doesn't want to can you come up with some suggestions to help him avoid it? He may not be thinking clearly on his own. Hubby has done that for me before....helped me think up "excuses" when I'm panicky about something that seems impossible.

 

[Neverthesame]

GERD can come with ptsd -- yours truly included. When it's bad milkshakes/ice cream/smooth cold foods help. Then they backfire because it's too much sugar and actually makes it worse. :banghead:

I keep a bottle of pepcid on the nightstand for this exact reason.

Damn lazy esophageal sphincter muscle...

 

[Never_falter2]

??? I am not forcing him to go anywhere. If anything he is forcing himself. He would not even accept it if I toldhim he should not go. (Do you know the “Rest your leg“ scene with Watson and Mrs. Hudson from Sherlock btw). He might bail, yeah, and that’s okay with me.

He ate a lot of halfway healthy food (Schnitzel and potatoe fritters) today ?.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think you really love him a lot @Never_falter2 . But remember he's a grown man, in his own body- it's a basic to choose what he wants/ needs/ thinks he can handle to eat (or not). Or to want to try to go out with you to the market or other things (yay to him; that's probably from your support). You have good stuff to eat, there and available. That is much.

JMHO, but the happier and less stressed he feels, the more likely he will think of eating, want to eat, and will be able to eat. Less pressure= relief, in 'all' ways. Really celebrate any positive, or accomplishment. It doesn't have to follow tradition, maybe it's time to start a new tradition (especially if it's miserable or killing you)? And yes, I get the social norms, but @Freida is right- something outside the box, like just dessert, might be an option? I did that a few times, was way better.

Good luck! :hug:

 

[Never_falter2]

? I do not force him to follow a tradition... which tradition are you talking about BTW? Christmas market or formal dinner? He is choosing that.
Family members of HIS invited HIM (and me only because it could not be avoided... but that’s people who do not know me very well and I guess their interest to invite me would be very limited if I did not happen to be married to a family member). HE writes them back WE are coming before he even asks me if I want to come... and who is to blame? Me??
What do you expect me to do? Tell him “No, actually, honey you are being sick and not gonna see your family“. Do you think he would even take that from me? Nope.

Maybe we tell them an excuse why he cannot eat a lot but that is up to him... but if he wants to go there eat everything, risk puking on his plate, there is nothing I can do. Well because he has his pride and if he wants to attend a formal dinner even though he is stressed and cannot then he wants to attend a formal dinner.

He might as well enjoy himself once he is there and there is gonna be good food and lots of drink. Maybe he enjoys eating once he is there... but what’s more important he is gonna see family members of his he has not seen for quite a while.

 

[Freida]

I am not forcing him to go anywhere. If anything he is forcing himself.

OMG I am so very very sorry!!!! I didn't mean it to come out that way. Guess it triggered me more than I thought :(
I had this picture in my head about his family guiltiling him into coming and then guilting him for not eating or doing what they wanted and ... wow..... I guess I really did spiral. :( :(

I did not mean to imply you were the bad guy!!! I kinda totally skipped over you even being a part of the equation.

Bad freida!!!!

 

[Abstract]

What do you expect me to do?

You absolutely are not responsible for his choices. ? He is an adult and even if rediculous and unhelpful he is the one that needs to take responsibility for himself. You are right that there is nothing you can do. There is only so much you can even advise him on eating and that only if he asks.

It really does sound like he is making his life way more difficult than it need be. Feel so much for you both.

 

[WinterCricket]

here's a random thought that came to me while I was walking SD on how to explain ptsd.....

Once upon a time I was on a cruise ship. It was great. Everything I needed was there, I was safe, I was happy, I was unafraid
Then one day someone threw me overboard. Luckily I had a life jacket on so I didn't immediately drown. But the boat went on without me.
Now I am dog paddling around in the middle of the ocean looking for safety
I know there is land out there, someplace where I can be safe, where I won't drown. But I can't see it.
So I paddle to keep my head above water.
I paddle past the jellyfish that want to sting me and the seaweed that wants to tangle me and the sharks that want to eat me.
I paddle in the water when it is calm, when it is choppy, when there are huge storms and waves so high I can't see over them
I paddle because not paddling is not an option. If I do that the ocean will just carry me under
I paddle because some day I hope...hope...I will see land.
But it's a big ass ocean.
So I can't be sure
In the meantime..I paddle

Whatcha think?

@Freida You brave warrior you, I think once upon a time in the not so distant future, you'll get your well-deserved peace because what you're doing right now is the equivalent of climbing up to the top of the mast in a wicked storm like Lt. Dan did in Forrest Gump and shrieking it out to the gods and the universe, and that when all this passes, and I swear to to it will, you will look at that calm water by the shrimp boat, leap on in and take a swim like ole Dan did; no critters, just you, that nice warm water and the safety of good friends and the trusty boat :)