What Are You Angry About?

[Kunoichi]

I'm angry or rather numb right not that i don't know how to beat this

 

[Luthien]

I am angry that I was hurt. I am angry that I have been left feeling so out of sorts, and with PTSD, because of other people. I am angry about all the times that I am so crazy, and that I don't even understand myself, so how could I explain to others? I am angry that my abusers got away with it. Even when I reported it, and did what was right. I am angry that my whole life was affected, and that I am still hurting, while they get to have carefree lives with no pain.
I am angry that I am jealous of my two sister-in-laws because they have happy carefree lives that have never been touched by violence or any real issues. I am angry that them being happy causes me to hurt and that I can't seem to figure out how to stop being jealous. I am angry that I wish something bad would happen to them so that I would feel better, or so that they sould at least understand me on some small level. I am angry that I was forced to grow up too soon, and that I can't relate to most people because of it. I am angry at Fibro(and it's multitudes of symptoms and associated ailments), and Cancer, and PTSD, and the fact that they are all tied in so that rape became so much more than just that, and I will never be okay. I am REALLY angry about being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and the fact that they might be right. (though I do lack MANY of the criteria) I am angry that I hurt my husband because I am so screwed up, and that I seem to have no control over it. I am angry that I was made to feel small and weak. I hate the knowledge that if a man wants to hurt me, he certainly wont have a hard time of it physically. I am filled with rage towards men who use their strength to rape. I am angry because no matter how hard he tries, and how wonderful he is, my husband will never really understand how badly I was hurt and what it did to me.

I am so angry that it seems there is no hope, and that I never deserved any of it.
I just want to be happy and healthy. Is that too much to ask?

 

[cragger65]

OK, this is just a rant. Thought of this today for no apparant reason. A few months back, I asked for help from the brain injury assoc. I couldn't manage anything in my daily life like cleaning and keeping on top of mail, recycling, etc. So, we set up that this woman Sue would come in every monday so that I had a motivator to work away at it.

It worked at first, it was good. But at that time I was at about 0.37 on a scale of 1 to 10. She's experienced the 60's and is still very much an activist. But she starts dominating our conversations with topics such as the environment, homelessness, social injustice, severe mental illnesses... and it's getting bloody depressing!! That's ALL she ever wanted to talk about.

I told her one day, "I can't talk about this any more, it's too depressing". She kept going on anyway. I tolerated it for the whole time she was there, trying to block it out.

I asked her again the next Monday to change the subject. "I'm already down and this is making it worse".

And again...

And again...

Until one day I just finally blew up at her one day. "I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE". I mean, f**k me for Christ's sake it's not like I hadn't already made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR on NUMEROUS OCCASIONS that it bothered me A LOT. I couldn't let it go, either, becuase this woman is so F**CKING DENSE she'd just keep doing the same damn thing over, and over, and over again.

So I called her boss, told her the situation and was told I couldn't have anyone else (a jurisdiction thing?). Anyway, I decided to drop the whole damn idea and do without. Long story short, I'm doing much better - just had to get that off my chest.

OK, now I'm good :)

 

[zoe]

I am angry that I survived to live this eternal hell.

 

[cragger65]

That really is what it feels like, isn't it Zoe? Hell. Well if this is hell, I've met much better people here than I might have in some idealized heaven, I'll tell you that much.

 

[Anonymoose]

I'm angry about past trauma.

 

[lilil]

I'm angry at abandonment. I'm angry that the man who took my childhood isn't dead, which I was led to beleive. I'm angry that there is nothing I can do to bring him to justice and I'm angry he has probably done it to others.

 

[midi]

I'm angry that I keep making one careless mistake after the other today. My mind just won't stop racing.

 

[Simpleman33]

I'm angry because I do not tell people how I truely feel. I just do not know how to express myself directly to people like that. I feel like I let myself get walked over. :mad:

 

[cragger65]

Al Anon Meeting

OK, here's another one that just popped up in meditation. I was desperate, at rock bottom, suicidal for a long, long time, so I tried AA. Not that I thought this was a perfect fit, there was just no one else talking about rock bottom and a way to heal.

I found AA too pushy and preachy so I tried Al Anon instead. I'd gone to half a dozen meetings and felt comfortable enough to open up a bit. The timing was right, I was having a HORRIBLE day, triggers, anger, etc.

So I describe how the whole mess starts to take control of me sometimes, one thing piling on top of another, anger, fear, memories of growing up you name it, and how all of a sudden the word "HATE" would flash across my mind. I was miserable, at my lowest, and... they all start to LAUGH!! And I don't mean a little chuff, I mean laughing their asses off at MY F**KING PAIN!!!!!!!

I was bloody humiliated to the umpteenth degree. I tried to rationalize their response, and they claimed it was because they "used to be there", but it sounded like a load of horse shit to me. When I think of that now, I HATE THEIR F**KING GUTS!!!!

That's the last Ala F**king Non-human meeting I will EVER attend!!!!

 

[cragger65]

Lilil,

You can report the man to the authorities. The question is, can you see yourself doing that. It might open a can of worms for you, I don't know. It doesn't seem right he should get off scott free, I agree.

 

[Irton Pike]

I am mostly angry with me for not living up to the high standards i set myself.




and yes, I know i'm a fool for it.