General What Can I Do When My Husband Self-harms?

[I'll make tea]

I got some tips at another board which I would like to mention here:

* worry beads
* give him gum to chew
* hold both his hands in mine

 

[Hashi]

* hold both his hands in mine

Wah! This one I do NOT recommend. Someone thought it would be helpful to stop me picking at my hands by holding them. I knew they meant well but it made me want to smack them. If you're full of nervous energy, someone holding you still is frustrating, annoying, and a bit patronising (it feels like they're being superior over the fact that they have no need to do it and are making a sort of loving protest, like they think they're the Gandhi of skin pickers).

I do stuff like you say your husband does. I don't categorise it as either self-harm or OCD - I've experienced both of those as well, but the kind of things you mention are, to me... well, stress reduction.

Substitutions that help me are to fidget, pick, pull etc at something else instead. Like winding and unwinding a piece of string around my fingers, moulding a piece of blu tack into different shapes, folding and refolding a handkerchief in different ways. I'm not sure what a stress ball is but something they used to sell here was a little stretchy figure that you could pull this way and that and then it would go back into shape - those were good.

I find gnawing and chewing on a liquorice stick better than chewing gum. These are twigs from the liquorice plant, you can get them from some health food shops. It has more of that "worrying at" thing (as in not leaving something alone, but keeping working on it in different ways).

The problem is, though, that your husband needs to want to swap for a different activity. You trying to give him a different activity... I wouldn't do that unless you've previously had a discussion about it and he's agreed to you doing it.

Like I said, I do things like this and I don't think that's self harm. I don't do them to punish myself, to feel pain or to try to shock myself into a different consciousness, which is why I would self harm. These sorts of things are more like extreme fidgeting. In response to extreme stress or distress. They're a form of self-soothing, rather than self-harm.

I personally do want to stop doing them, which is why I try to do other things instead. I wouldn't agree they're a problem to an extent that someone else is justified in intervening. If he doesn't see it as a problem, why do you want to change it? If you don't like watching it, don't look.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I knew they meant well but it made me want to smack them. If you're full of nervous energy, someone holding you still is frustrating, annoying, and a bit patronising...

Agreed!

 

[I'll make tea]

Thanks for your opinion....

Why I don't like it:

1) I admit, it's hard to look at and also a poor example for our son but also
2) he hurts himself with it, for example he hurts his lips by biting them
3) people react negative to it and of course hubby does not like that

He does not like it, when I direct one of his hands away...

You know, there is a second discussion about this at a page called talk about marriage, in the general discussion section. I may not link there.

That is where I quoted the tips from. I started writing here when at first nobody answered there.

Would you like to post there or like me to post your opinion there? A lot of people (736 to be exact) looked at the thread and if there are self-harmer's for whom that advice does not work they should know.

 

[Hashi]

Hi I'll make tea,

It's up to you if you want to report there that someone didn't think it was a good idea. I'd rather you didn't refer to me as a self-harmer in that context because I don't consider this self harm.

I still think all you can do is discuss this with your husband then leave him to make his own choices. I don't know what form your discussions have taken so far, or what your actions so far have been. I'm not surprised he doesn't like it when you direct one of his hands away. For all I know, you may have had a quiet, reasonable discussion with him explaining the three points you've stated. If not, I think communicating your concerns as neutrally as you can is the foremost thing to aim for.

It's possible that the more logical your points/presentation are, and the less emotional or personal, that might be more persuasive. What you say about the example for your son is interesting. I used to work with a volatile, stubborn boss who defended his right to swear in the office on the grounds that he should express himself however he needed to.

It wasn't the sort of environment where swearing was usual, and a number of us were upset by it but he didn't care about that. He was only bothered when I pointed out that a junior member of staff was starting to swear as a result, and this might be OK in the current environment but would disadvantage him when it was an ingrained habit and he tried to get a promotion or better job. The boss could see the truth of that and he recognised that he had an influence over this member of staff.

With my former boss, emotional arguments didn't persuade him, in fact they had the opposite effect. Appealing to his logical and responsible side worked. It was more factual (it would likely disadvantage someone) than emotional (it bothers me). It also turned it into more of a positive reason to stop (being a good role model) than a negative one (other people's dislike).

I'm wondering if you're calling this self harm when you talk to your husband, and if so how receptive he is to that. Giving it that name feels a bit too emotional to me, and would put me off being open to a discussion. Calling it something else (preferably a neutral reference to the behaviour, such as "biting your lips") might help.

Maybe you've already tried all this, though. If there's nothing you can say to persuade him away from this behaviour I don't think there's any action that can make him stop. I hope there's more discussion that you can still have.

 

[I'll make tea]

I don't know what form your discussions have taken so far

Well... I told him I don't like it + it makes me feel horrible. Sometimes I also get angry.

He said that it is his tool and there is not need for me to feel horrible about it. Said it was very useful for him, did not hurt - how can it be that this does not hurt? Said "it's okay - no need to be upset. Besides: none of your business".

Sometimes he has his hair very short in order to stop the hair pulling but then as soon as it grows a little he starts again

 

[Hashi]

Said it was very useful for him, did not hurt - how can it be that this does not hurt?

Well, I do similar and it doesn't hurt me worth speaking of. To call it self harm if your husband doesn't agree, and to think that it must hurt when your husband says it doesn't - I think that's projecting how you feel onto your husband.

I feel like your husband is reacting very much as I would. If you get angry, get upset, or try to change his behaviour against his will, I think it will get you nowhere I'm afraid. Except frustrated and more upset.

If you have objective reasons for thinking it's damaging (like the effect on your son, if it's reasonable to think there is a negative effect on your son) that's the hurt you can point out. Apart from that, I think this is just life with someone with PTSD. They're going to behave in ways that might upset you. If they aren't actually damaging or abusive, you might have to find a way to put up with them.

Supporting someone with PTSD can't be easy. Other supporters here can help you more with that than me. I just wanted to give you my perspective, as someone who sounds similar in some ways to your husband.

 

[I'll make tea]

Hashi, could you perhaps explain to me why it is soothing to do this?

 

[Hashi]

Thank you for asking. :) :)

Because it's an outlet for nervous energy. Because it's physical but not too damaging.

Because I've been through X, Y and Z and scratching at my ankle, picking at my hands or pulling at my hair is very mild compared to the things I might like to do, but I've found that scratching at my ankle, picking at my hands or pulling my hair makes me feel a bit better.

I do therapy, deep breathing, relaxation, constructive coping techniques... I've also done very self-destructive coping techniques, like almost strangling myself, hitting myself, developing a drinking problem and other things I don't even want to say. This falls between them, and - in my view - much more towards the healthy side. It's a way to feel something physically without doing serious permanent harm. I know that the way I bite my nails, and gnaw and pick at my hands, is horrible to other people, At the same time, it gives me an outlet that's not as bad as something that would leave me in hospital, or even the morgue. Other people, after all, haven't been through what I've been through. They might not realise that this is mild in comparison to what I'm resisting.

With that perspective, I toughen myself against how other people might see this. If I'm upset and feel awful about myself, picking at my hands or scratching at my ankles makes me feel much better. It's a relief, and a release. It's physical, I can feel it, I'm doing something, it absorbs some of that upset energy.

This might sound strange, but the fact that I picked at my hands instead of something worse can also make me feel better. There's always the possibility of something worse, for me. This is always a more positive way of coping than that would be.

Like I said, I'm trying to choose better alternatives. I still don't think these are the worst, though. I understand that in a "normal" relationship these might be a real challenge, perhaps even unacceptable. In a PTSD relationship I'm not so sure. With PTSD, everything has to shift, I think. Unfortunately, PTSD is never pretty for anyone involved. I wish that was different, but it isn't.

 

[I'll make tea]

Thank you, Hashi!