General What Do Supporters Think About Trauma?

[Meadowsweet]

I hope it's ok to ask this in the supporters section. I am a sufferer that reads here because it gives me an insight into relationships.

It's a PTSD site, so naturally people talk about PTSD symptoms. But I don't think I've ever heard supporters talk about the trauma's that are at the heart of PTSD recovery. As a sufferer the road to recovery is about looking at the trauma itself, and understanding how symptoms relate to that.

Part of me thinks that if a person has experienced severe trauma, they have to face it in order to deal with the symptoms. Whereas if you haven't experienced trauma, you shouldn't have to hear about it or face up to it (I wouldn't wish that knowledge on my enemy). So I understand why it's not discussed.

But another part of me can recognize that it's near impossible to understand symptoms of PTSD without seeing the gritty details of the experiences that traumatize the mind.

It's like a catch 22 situation, why would anyone want to know about the really horrible things that happen in our world. But then, is it more upsetting to see the symptoms of hidden pain that appear on the surface without understanding where those symptoms originate?

I also realize that most sufferers won't talk to their friends or partners about traumatic experiences because they don't want to re-live it themselves or take their loved one into that horrible experience (feeling that their loved one will then live it).

But I'm wondering what supporters feel about this? How deep would you want to go into understanding what your partner has lived through? And do you think it would make a difference to understanding PTSD symptoms?

 

[ptsdsolution]

I don't know. I think when you don't expierience someting first hand, it kind of is impossible to convey the real horror you have experienced on someone else-i know i wouldnt want to inflict this on someone else. I think i could just say if i act this way or say that, this is what is going on inside.....if you get my drift. You could also tell them what you would like them to do to suport you on these occasions. Over time your partner or supporter will know instinctively what is going on and will know how best to support you

 

[DeedeeRSM]

My ex told me about one of his trauma's one night. He never talked abot the trauma's, just told me he had them because of some reasons and it had caused him PTSD. We would get into long talks however, and he would laughingly call me his no. 1 therapist. One night, during such a particular talk I managed to get him to answer some questions which lead him to remember a particular trauma and tell it to me. He has forgotten most of his trauma's and they only come haunt him in his night terrors and when he sees or feels or smells etc a trigger. So yeah, because of his trust towards me and my way of asking he opened up his mind that one night and told me.

This man hadn't cried in 3 years since I'd known him and when telling this story he cried for hours. I didn't know what to do, cry because of the horror story I had just heard or be scared that he would go insane. I chose to remain calm, I told myself I had to stay calm because he could easily drift into dissociation or re-visualisation.

Oftentimes I regretted that I got him to tell his story. Because to me it's a story which ave me chills and made me feel sooo so bad for him and mafe me want to help him. But him, remembering this trauma he'd been through WITHOUT a professional therapist at hand right then and there, was not very healthy I think. So I regret it. I felt flattered he was able to tell me, but I feel guilty and regretful now because it has caused him a whole chain of remembering since then, and he has been worse than before for the past 2 years.

Before he remembered, he had the night terrors and he was scared of things and triggered by things, but he didn't have a clue of WHY he kept seeing or sensing these scary things. After he remembered, he now knows what happened and he has been a mess. The downside to this all, which made me even more regretful is the fact that it will take him very long to tell his therapist what actually happened. He has major trust issues because of his PTSD and I am the only one so far he has told this to. He asked me to write everything he told me in a letter to his therapist, so that he didn't have to tell the whole story again. I did this, and his therapist is slowly trying to get there with him.

I know that the therapist is now scared of what his reaction might be when she will ask out of the blue, so I know she's trying to win his trust right now. I hope he will learn to deal with his symptoms and that he will get the right therapy.

To all future supporters, I want to give you this advice: DO NOT...DO NOTTTT dig into your partners trauma's if he or she has not already gone over them with a therapist. You might open a box of memories which will make their situation worse and you won't be able to do anything about it until they get to that point with their therapist. You will regret the fact that you felt flattered by their trust and asked them things and got them to tell you.

Ps. I'm not with this man any longer, but this part I will always regret on my behalf. I just did not know the severity..it wasn't even ego, I truly did not know this would be the outcome. I know he blames me for remembering as well. As for that part I don't accept any blame he gives me. I don't like it when people blame others for ANYTHING that has to do with themselves and I find it quite disturbing that he has the guts to blame me for remembering.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@ptsdsolution,
Can you please say why you're here on the forum? You haven't made an intro post nor have you made any indication in any of your posts if you're a sufferer or a supporter. Your name screams of an adgenda and your replies don't seem to have the "flavor" of either a sufferer or a supporter, rather seem to be made up of the positive affirmations a therapist would give.

I'm not attacking or accusing, I just like to know why people are here as it does affect how I view their posts.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm an ex- supporter and I think I would have understood his PTSD better if he'd been more willing to talk about it. I'm not sure details were needed, but the few things he did mention were very non-emotional, out of the blue comments. So, like I would ask why were you working at such a young age and he'd respond with to be out of the house and keep from being beat. I knew his situation included an abusive childhood and then his experience in the military, but I don't believe I ever got a good understanding of what his triggers were besides condescending tones of voice. I learned that, he told me that one.

However, he had trouble articulating what made him feel unsafe. He tended to hide behind the "no one can hurt me" kind of persona, except for a very few moments when he'd give me a peek.

As a supporter, I don't think I would need to know how bad his traumas were, but I think it would have helped me understand how, if at all, I could help or be good for him. But I don't think he could. Honestly, maybe he could have if I had pushed him a little on it, but I didn't want to push him on it. It was like I needed to bring it up, he woyldnt. And I didn't want to make him talk about it when it wasn't good for him.

I don't know if I'm making sense. It was the elegant in the room. He might allude to it and I'd ask a few questions, but then it would drop. Sometimes I'd notice him staring at it, but I could tell he was anxious, but he didn't want to admit it. Only once or twice were we like, "hey, see that elegant".

I think if he'd had more therapy maybe he could have expressed issues better and made it more of an open topic of discussion. And if id been stronger I would have felt more secure asking him to talk about it without the fear that I'd push him to isolate or shut down. And I didn't want to hurt him. I guess I just thought we had time.

Sorry, I doubt my post helped, but it is honest.

 

[Tinyflame]

@DeedeeRSM , you are right not to accept blame. In his heart I imagine he blames the memories themselves for coming up, but they would have surfaced over something else (eventually) anyway. Mine did. JMHO.

 

[Meadowsweet]

he would laughingly call me his no. 1 therapist. One night, during such a particular talk I managed to get him to answer some questions which lead him to remember a particular trauma and tell it to me.

Deedee, I'm sorry for what you've been through, and of course, for what your ex has been through. If it is any consolation, you do sound like you provided good therapeutic support to him, to enable him to open up, and it is not that unusual for somebody in therapy to become overwhelmed by what is coming up, and to break down and become more ill. It's just that a therapist has nothing to lose if a client doesn't want to see them because they're reminded of trauma every time they are there, whereas a relationship you have each other to lose.

I doubt in his heart that he really blames you, it just feels easier sometimes to tell yourself you don't want to be with someone after you've lost them. But from my perspective you sound like a wonderful and genuine person and I'm sorry this happened to you.

To all future supporters, I want to give you this advice: DO NOT...DO NOTTTT dig into your partners trauma's if he or she has not already gone over them with a therapist. You might open a box of memories which will make their situation worse and you won't be able to do anything about it until they get to that point with their therapist. You will regret the fact that you felt flattered by their trust and asked them things and got them to tell you.

So many times I've seen supporters feeling ill-treated because their partner doesn't talk to them, and doesn't let them in when they are suffering. So I think your insight into the horrific nature of what trauma actually entails, as well as the very real effects that bringing it to the surface has on a person is valuable first hand knowledge.

Thank you for sharing your story.

As a supporter, I don't think I would need to know how bad his traumas were, but I think it would have helped me understand how, if at all, I could help or be good for him.

That is a good point. I think it is important for a partner to have some idea about the kind of situations or subjects that are very sensitive. However, often trauma and PTSD are minimised or thought to be understood through comparison to more everyday problems. So I don't know if maybe when a little is understood, if the person believed that they had a strong understanding of what a partner experiences, then it could lead to misunderstanding.

Can I ask, do you think it would have been difficult to know the details of the trauma, or to see him in that vulnerable place?

I don't know, I'm just thinking aloud.

 

[Al_Lurker]

I don't think I'd have been able to handle to details. I'd like to think I could but the anger from just knowing what part of it I did was huge. I think it is enough for a supporter to know that there is PTSD from acts of trauma and a general idea but unless the sufferer needs to share the details to heal it should be with the professional and not with someone not experienced in controlling their reaction.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

"Can I ask, do you think it would have been difficult to know the details of the trauma, or to see him in that vulnerable place? "

Obviously I can only talk in terms of my ex, whom I loved very much. And it two-fold to be honest, there was childhood abuse AND Desert Storm for him.

I would not have felt differently about him at all if he had been able to be that vulnerable with me. I would have seen that as a huge sign of trust. Seeing him in pain was hard. And the only times I felt his pain or that he let some show was on the phone, not in person. And, honestly, it hurt to hear that pain. But it helped me understand better.

I think it would have been easier for me to hear about the military traumas than the childhood ones. I think I could have stayed stronger for him hearing those. And that was a worry I had, that I'd get sad/ upset/ hurt for him and that would make him worse.

The family stuff, he told me some. But mostly in general terms. Hearing about them was harder because I had met them and he was back in contact with them after a few years of no contact with his parents. His parents were both manipulative and controling. They did some horrible things as adults that he told me about and that was hard for me.

His siblings live on the same land as the parents, so to see them he would see his parents also. Luckily they lived in another state, but I saw the stress it caused him to get pulled into that family drama. And to be financially pulled into family stuff. I would have given anything for him not to have contact with that.

So, for me, it would have been even harder to know the extent of the physical abuse he went through as a child. I already have so much hatred for them as it is now. It's not as if I could tell him not to visit his brother and sister and nephews.

Honestly I blame them and his increased contact with them for the increase I saw in his anxiety over the last year we were together.

I wish he had been able to trust me enough to tell me more. My only consern would have been that my empathy would have pushed him away or hurt him or caused him more stress.

I still love him and I still think he's one of the strongest people I have ever known. I would give anything in this world if, just once, he could see himself how I saw him.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you so much for sharing your insight Bewitched. It raises many questions, and perhaps there are no answers.

I grew up with a mum who struggles with emotional stuff, so I tend not to tell anyone about the things that have happened, or how I feel, because I worry that it will hurt them to hear it. But it can hurt people not to understand what another is feeling, or why they feel that way.

If I could take the abuse out of my life and be an un-abused person, I would. But it happened, and it is part of what makes me me. I never know if to let people in, I should let them know me by knowing about my life. I think, who would want a person who's not perfect and has been broken.

But you pointed out the good parts too, that people can be loved because of the strength they've shown to get through stuff. Lol, I wish people could se me as you saw your husband.

Thanks x

 

[Al_Lurker]

.... But it can hurt people not to understand what another is feeling, or why they feel that way.

If I could take the abuse out of my life and be an un-abused person, I would. But it happened, and it is part of what makes me me. I never know if to let people in, I should let them know me by knowing about my life. I think, who would want a person who's not perfect and has been broken.

But you pointed out the good parts too, that people can be loved because of the strength they've shown to get through stuff. Lol, I wish people could se me as you saw your husband. x

Not only can it hurt a supporter not to understand but it can destroy the relationship entirely. That hurts both of you. No one is perfect, not even close. We are all broken in some way. Relationships with others are based on trust and communication, be they friend or lover. If there is no exchange of feeling, no "letting in" by both sides then that relationship is doomed to fail from the start. What makes you you is a unique set of experience no doubt, but what makes me me is also unique. Because we're different does not mean we shouldn't try to be friends, but we don't know if we can be until that talking and sharing takes place. Doing so with a spouse means a deeper level than friends but it's still the same thing. And it's not at all easy even in the absence of PTSD or any other thing that might define one as 'broken'. Finding someone that cares about you and will make the effort to talk with you can go a long way to healing the wounds. The wounds all of us possess even as supporters. Do enough talking and you might find yourself in love.... And I'll bet there are those in your life that love you and care about you enough to feel you are very special. You just have to find your way to feeling what they tell you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sorry I didn't reply to your first post al-lurker - I didn't understand it - and I'm understanding it less in relation to this one.

I think perhaps I'm trying to look at whether to be open or closed about the details of trauma. There is no way of knowing how much openess is too much and would upset the other person, or how much is too little and would upset the other. There is no formula for getting that delicate right. But the risk of getting it wrong sometimes feels too great to even try.

I have children who think I'm great because I'm their Mum, But I don't have any adults who I could talk to if I wanted to. It's something I'm just thinking about if I made any friends in the future. .