General What Do You Do During Your Sufferer's Dissociation Episodes?

[singlegateunkept]

My girlfriend has been having a lot of flashbacks and episodes of dissociation lately- mostly at night- she's remembering things she hadn't in the past and it's bringing up a lot of fears and feelings. The trouble I run into is that I don't always see right away- we'll be talking and emotions will be high- and then almost all at once she's not talking to me at all- she's not even in the room- but I don't always catch that the first sentence or two aren't actually directed at me. And sometimes she'll sort of- half come back? Maybe like a fugue state- if I'm understanding those properly- and be in the room, know she is in our bed, but feel so unsafe, tell me she feels so in a fog- and we'll talk- but then, sometimes out of nowhere- she'll come back fully and not remember anything. Sometimes this can be hours, and by that point I'm emotional- I try not to be, I try to just be strong and reassuring but it's scary for me too- and I'm hearing these things from her past, or these pieces. Anyway- she comes back and she doesn't remember- so much so that my emotional state seems out of place- so much so that she is often back to before the initial conversation even started- and I'll say,

"What's the last thing you remember?" just to check in, to see if she is all the way back.

And she'll say, for example, that we'd maybe fallen asleep, or that we were talking about something we were talking about hours ago. She says it unsure- she knows it's not accurate, but she does not remember the in between.

And I'm never sure where that puts me- I don't want to push and bring up the things she said, I don't want to lie and go along with that we were sleeping- and eventually, by the next morning, even if she doesn't remember everything, she'll know she had a rough night, that things were hard and there were memories and feelings- but at the time it's like this huge rollercoaster- we're talking and then she's not talking to me, and then she comes back and is very down- and then she snaps back and is cheerful and normal(not fake cheerful either, sleepy happy cheerful) and sometimes those cycles are tighter- the happy snaps back to sad a second later, five minutes later- we're talking and then her eyes go out of focus. It's just- I often don't know what conversation we're having. And I don't know how to help if I'm not sure what we're actually talking about. And I feel like I can't swing with the changes- but if she comes back and I'm sad, then I feel like I'm being terrible and making it about me.

I know it's that she's remembering a lot right now, that so much from her abusive childhood is coming back- but it's been a tricky few weeks and I'm just looking for other stories or experiences with this same sort of thing- any advice or stories would be great.

Thanks everyone.

 

[blackswan]

My boyfriend doesn't have disassociation in this same way so I don't have any specific tips, sorry. When he briefly fugues out I will stay seated with him, lightly holding his arm and continue my activity until he returns (I've read other sufferers talk about being unable to tolerate touch in this state but it works well for him). And we're working on how to better handle the times when emotions are high and he switches into yelling at his abusers instead of talking to me - I need to leave these situations because they're very scary and painful for me to take part in, and wait until he has calmed and returned to the present before resuming conversation.

I will say to look after yourself in these times though. Secondary trauma is a real thing so be mindful of how you're coping with her behaviour and disclosures. If it's too much, and it's totally ok if it's too much (your her partner not her therapist), plan together in advance how to respond when she's disassociated and engaging in stressful disclosures/behaviour. Perhaps doing something like ensuring she is in a safe place, moving to the next room, and checking on her regularly until she returns - I'm not sure how applicable this would be to your specific situation though so feel free to ignore this suggestion. Talk to her :) I'm sure she doesn't want to be scaring you and she might have suggestions about how the two of you could handle these situations so that both of your needs are met.

It's ok get sad watching your partner be in distress. That tells me that you love her and care about her well being, rather than telling me that you're making it about you.

 

[singlegateunkept]

Thanks so much for your advice and response. I do try stop responding and take myself out of the conversation and away when I know she is talking to her abuser and not me anymore- that was something I had to learn, though. I'm working on it. I think it's best for her and I to figure out a plan together- and we've been sort of doing that bit by bit.

Mostly it's just good to hear other stories- coming to this forum has been both education and self care for me. It's just good read all these other stories and experiences. It really helps. I do know I had to watch myself though- I've had some serious depressive episodes and some PTSD of my own, so I do have to make sure her stuff isn't triggering mine.

Thanks again!

 

[aaaaa1]

Hello -- your account sounds very much like some things that I went through with my partner. She had dissociative episodes rather like the ones you describe. When very tired, or very stressed, her eyes would unfocus (exactly as you say), her head would loll a little bit, and she'd talk, if at all, very slowly, vaguely, and distantly. It also always seemed to me as if she were making an effort to return to full consciousness, but not quite able to. Her (PTSD-specialist) psychologist told her that it was related to the fight-or-flight response -- I saw it described on a medical website as a 'pathological fleeing response': 'Dissociation due to threat and/or trauma may involve a distorted sense of time or a detached feeling that you are observing something happen to you as if it is unreal -- the sense that you may be watching a movie of your life.' I don't know if that fits with your girlfriend's experience?

It's also very striking to hear that your girlfriend is experiencing problems remembering her episodes. My partner would -- very unpredictably -- become violently hostile and paranoid, then, after what was sometimes hours of this (during which I think she was talking only partly to me, but also partly to her feelings towards team of people who had almost let her die in an accident years before), she would fall asleep and wake up with no memories of what had happened. I had the same difficulty as you: not noticing right away that it was happening, and so never having a clear sense of what she actually knew was happening, and what she didn't. She also wouldn't remember her dissociative episodes (although she knew that she had them), although these were shorter than her outbursts of anger.

One thing that her psychiatrist (and her mother, also a trained counsellor) recommended when she was dissociating, was that she try to focus her attention very closely on some sensation that was present to her -- their examples were things like drinking a glass of water and paying really close attention to the experience, or touching a piece of her clothing and concentrating closely on the texture of the fabric. This was with a view to leading her out of confusing, overwhelming memories and feelings, back to the present. I'm currently reading a bunch of books about coping with anger, stress, and trauma, and several of them recommend things along these lines -- they all describe it as 'mindfulness'. You can find a good demonstration of it in a Youtube video by Dr. Keith Gaynor, called 'Embracing Borderline Personality Disorder', at 31 minutes, 20 seconds in. (I know it's a separate disorder, but he's explaining mindfulness in general).

It sounds like you really care for your girlfriend! What you're going through must be very hard, though I have to say it's also sort of a relief for me to hear that someone has encountered things somewhat similar to what my partner went through. I'm so sorry that you're both enduring such stress! Wishing you all the best!

 

[singlegateunkept]

Hi. That does sound similar- I'm sorry you and your partner are under similar stress.

The dissociation has been fairly new and I'm still working out the best way to handle it on my end. We have looked at mindfulness type techniques- drinking water is actually a big one for her- that helps a lot. Other things don't seem to be as strong. In the past when it was more panic attacks and less full blown dissociation, touch would help- clothing, walls, etc. That doesn't do much when she's fully dissociated, however.

Yes, my girlfriend is never violent at all, more desperate and fighting- not with me, though. It can take awhile before I know she's not talking to me anymore- although I'd like to think I'm getting better at it. Like you said, it's hard to tell what she remembers and what she doesn't. Many times she'll remember by the next morning that had a hard night, but the details will be fuzzy to her. She does worry about it- she'll ask if she said anything to hurt me, she'll make sure she wasn't violent, that she didn't say anything hurtful. And I think that's been really helpful, actually. It gives a chance to talk about what was said, because while she's never been violent she has said things that I wasn't sure if were directed at me or not- and they wouldn't be- it would not be her being cruel or mean or even angry if they were- but if they were at me they would be things we really needed to work through and talk about. So doing that has been good for us.

It's not so much like seeing a movie for her, at least not from what I know. She'll say she doesn't know where she was. She'll say she can't place it but that it wasn't safe. Normally the more concrete memories seem to come after/right before, and not during.

It can all be very hard to follow though, I'm not sure what conversation we're having sometimes, and I'm not sure if I'm actually part of the conversation at all. I don't know what she'll remember from episodes after.

Reading people's similar comments/stories is unbelievably helpful to me, so thank you so much for your comment. I'm glad my account is helpful for you too. I'm sorry for the stress you and your partner are under. It is a lot and I wish you all the best as well!