What Do You Do When It Is All Too Much?

[Heather]

After she said that I did feel bad and I got off the couch and we went into her room and made bead necklace's.

I've repeatedly asked my nurse practitioner to put me back on the anti-anxiety medication that I requested be taken off of and she the b*tch keeps saying, "no".

Shit, even I used to push past my own crap with my kids when I had them with me,

Maybe a yes instead of a no to her request would get you moving again. Even if you start small, making a commitment each day to take your child to the park and play with them, you will quickly get motivated and out of your depressive funk and see what life has to offer once again.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that her needs aren't getting met. And I've come to expect nothing less from you Anthony, it's like drinking a glass of lemonade -- nice and tart, just the way I like it!:):p.

I have her ALL the time. I don't get a break which is quite draining and I have very little support right now. I am doing the best I can.

She does do outside activities (karate and (soon) cheerleading) , has lots of friends in the neighborhood and goes on playdates. I have been trying to push myself a little more lately. Last weekend I actually made myself go out and play volleyball with the kids. I was surprised at how much fun I had. Most days all I can manage is just to go out and sit on the steps and watch them play.

I just don't want to go anywhere and that's her biggest complaint but I try to devote time to her each day even if it's just hanging out on her bed with the cat and being silly -- that has to count for something, right?

I can't give anything else right now. It's just too much...... I really am doing the best I can.

 

[CarrotHead]

I can't be silly and I can't play. You're up on me by two there.

I think you just haven't given yourself credit for what you do.

 

[anthony]

Heather, yes... you are doing things, yes, you are alone, single parent, etc... I get it, parent myself. Anyone who says its not the toughest job in the world, I doubt their a parent. I agree with webvixen... your not giving yourself enough credit, your to busy concentrating on being within a depressive funk.

You MUST use experience to foster your future decisions with PTSD, and you answered this already:

Last weekend I actually made myself go out and play volleyball with the kids. I was surprised at how much fun I had.

What you need to start getting in your head, is to use your experience to make the next decision. You DID go and play with the kids (your daughter) and surprisingly, you enjoyed it.

So... hold onto that experience and now use it to push yourself outdoors with your daughter. Again, start small. Local park, local something that your daughter enjoys, once per week... take her to it together and participate with her. Even if its only 30 minutes, once per week... its a start.

Then come back, write down whether you enjoyed it or not. You most likely will enjoy the experience. Use that to then foster the next trip, extend it in time or extend the days per week, shift to two days per week for 30 minutes at the park with your daughter, playing together.

I can't give anything else right now. It's just too much......

You would quite honestly be quite surprised at what you can achieve. Watching a female just prior to birth, they give up at times, they want it over, they don't think they can push their child out and give birth, yet suddenly they do... amazing what can be achieved by the human brain... Its a choice to whether or not you let PTSD beat you. The best thing you can do is get yourself into a daily exercise regime, because what your doing right now is fostering depression, not fighting it. Big difference.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hey Heather. I don't have a child to look after, and getting motivation to do anything is tough. I understand. You're in the depths of depression. You literally must force yourself to do things (preferably with your kid). I have to force my self out of the house. You have more reason to motivate yourself than I do - seeing your child laugh and smile. Please get out of the house and do things with her - it will greatly improve your mood, and motivation to do more. :hug:

 

[Heather]

aaaauuuuuggghhhhh -- This is soooo hard! It'd just be easier to lay on the couch and do nothing!! I don't remember the depression being this bad EVER!!! All I want to do is sleep. This sucks.

Why can't Nicole's real mom show up? This one's going back to bed.

 

[Heather]

.push yourself outdoors with your daughter.

Okay, I went and had myself a little "break down" and took to my bed for awhile but when Nicole got home it was quite warm here (almost 80 degrees). We went outside with some of her little girlfriends from the neighborhood and filled up several water guns and the insanity began:insane:. Girls.... drama, drama, drama. But It was fun. I was out there for a good 90 minutes.

 

[anthony]

Did you enjoy it? Did it make you feel good instead of depressed? Tell me what positives it gave you please.

 

[Heather]

I get a "kick" out of all of their individual personalities at that age. They are all from 5 - 7 y/o. One little girl acts like such a little princess.....screaming hysterically everytime she got wet. It's pretty funny.

I love the way they all dance.....even if it is to christian music. I asked them if I we should open up a nightclub and start selling tickets?:) They're hilarious.

I even participated in the water gun fight for a bit with the littlest one helping her as a team. That was the most fun.

Refereeing the constant fights between all of them is exhausting. I try to use humor by saying, "come on girls we're ALL friends here, is it time for a group hug?"

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I be upset if it rained tomorrow? No.

 

[anthony]

Heather... its about using your experience to dictate your choices. You want to lay down on the lounge, do nothing, even though you acknowledge you get depressed. However, the flipside is that getting outside gives you energy, you play with your daughter outdoors, which is about her, not you, yet makes you feel good about yourself.

Choice - Feel good about yourself and do good for your daughter OR feel like crap, do nothing with your daughter, which will cause her further issues later in life and your relationship with her.

I can tell you the same thing time and time again, but it all comes back to your choice. Depression is just that depression, its real, it will drag you down, but in the same breathe, you know you can counter it with the choice of getting outdoors and playing / exercising.

None of this is about guilt or anything else... its all about choice.

Sure, we all need our down days, to down tools, escape from kids, etc... and you may need to plan those into your week if you aren't... some mummy time, where you get active and do something really good for yourself. Maybe once a week you just crash and sleep, but that is not advised with depression being around.

 

[Heather]

I haven't replied to this due to the simple fact that I am overwhelmed. I have not felt this level of depression in.......NEVER. And frankly Anthony I don't have the energy to go round 2 with you.

But I have forced myself and when I say forced I mean forced to get outside and do things with Nicole. Yesterday we filled up the pool and the kids went swimming. We've sold lemonade a couple of times.

We've also watched Tinkerbell together and have laid together in bed at night talking. We've also spent time on the computer looking at the websites she uses at school.

I feel like I'm about ready to fall apart. I can barely keep it together and I don't know what to do. My meds. don't even feel like they're working and all I feel is a huge sense of despair. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.

 

[anthony]

Heather, as you stated... you are doing, which is excellent now. Initially you stated, you just didn't do anything really with her... now you are. You don't have to start running marathons with your child, you just have to start somewhere and make progress... which you now are. Look at were you started on this thread, and now what you just posted above about your progress.

Is that improvement or not?

 

[Heather]

It still doesn't change how I FEEL. If it rained for the next 100 days I could care less and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

I seriously feel like I'm heading for a breakdown BUT I left all that out because I honestly can't handle another 3 paragraphs of how it's a choice................

But you are going to say what you're going to say. So, let me have it. I have one request before you do goto the market and buy some SUGAR:p