I used to think of myself as a kind of "Thought Warrior"...no way those thoughts were going to "win"...I was going to beat them at their own game, and emerge victorious. After all, I was "an intellectual", right? Any intellectual worth his/her stripes should be able to out-think his/her thoughts, right?
For some reason, however much an "intellectual" I liked to think of myself as...it never occurred to my how patently ridiculous a concept this was...how oxymoronic...that I could "out-think" my own thoughts, with the emphasis on the word's second syllable..."moronic"...
That was for me, anyway. And that's not to say that it's unimportant for me to use the "innermost mind" to control the outer, to "practice mindfulness".
But I've come to realize that it's equally as important to "get out of my head", when the battle seems to be going the other way.
I am, after all, trying to fix a broken machine, WITH a broken machine, in many ways--attempts at repair are implicitly flawed, at this point, doomed to result in further aberrations.
I find myself having a fight with an invisible spider's-web, of sorts...spinning and flailing at nothing.
In these times the most important thing is not exactly WHAT I DO...but that I DO something, rather than just think more.
..Get OUT of my head...not entangle myself more in it...through action of some kind. Often, the more physical, the better.
The book "Waking the Tiger" by Levine, as well as others, is based on the idea that not only is trauma "stored" in the body, and so a physical phenomenon which can't be entirely addressed with "thinking" strategies...but that more thinking can be an unconscious strategy to stay as far away from feeling, as possible...when it's more feeling we need, at least in the long run, in order to really find a "way out" in a practical sense...that this is the context in which most people live their lives, and so not only more natural than taking refuge in "intellectualization", but is the stage on which the stuff of human interaction takes place, rather than the exclusively "mental machinations" I know I have a tendency to use as both my shield and sword, in what is destined instead, thereby, to become a full-on "me-against-the-world" war, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy--of course.
When you have the sense that your back is against the wall...what else do you want to do but shout F-U at the universe, in defiance, after all (as I think you implied, if I've gotten the gist, that is). And that's not a bad thing. Shows a winning spirit.
But I have to think in terms of relaxing, in order to loosen the "knot" I'm struggling with... not trying to pull at both ends of the rope, gritting my teeth, only to make the knot itself more impossibly tight.
Suicide obviously is not the answer as I am not willing be dead behind this no matter what. To me, that is like letting them "win" .
I'm so glad to hear you've made that resolution! But the question then had to become HOW I was fighting-I had to begin to realize that the best way to win a fight with ME was to learn (over time, of course), to stop fighting myself with sheer force, and ALLOW myself to stop fighting the war--with me.
And I'm only just beginning, really. I'm not an expert, by any stretch of the imagination. But I've learned that acceptance, even of my symptoms, is key--the "simply noticing" of Zen practice. It's almost as though I'm fighting a child--the more attention I give them through staying focused on them--the louder and more combative they become. If I can learn to just walk away, it takes the air out of it, and there's no more fight to have.
Easier said than done, and I know I haven't given you any specific activities or strategies, per se. Just a perspective.
Meditation (especially involving deep breathing), of whatever kind, "Listening Practice", as it's referred to in Zazen. And exercise, are my best concrete recommendations. There are also exercises recommended in "Waking the Tiger" which are designed specifically to "discharge trauma" (although it's recommended that it should be done with caution, and with the input of a trained counselor, if possible. Sometimes we have so much stored trauma that it can open us up to feelings that can be overwhelming)
So glad you've resolved to fight. I'm right there with you. Take care, and know there are others in the same place, fighting the same fight.
