What Do You Need After A Fight With Your Partner?

[dulcia]

Things have escalated into an argument. Mean names, curse words, blaming, past issues, the whole shabang. What do you need afterward?

I (non-PTSD, female) need to process with my partner. I need some sort of confirmation we're both okay and a little bit of conversation about what just happened. Usually just an "I'm sorry, let me think" or "Sorry, can we talk later" would suffice for me.

My partner (combat PTSD, male), once escalated, won't come down until he has gone through the cycle. Escalation, insults, random things brought up that have nothing to do with argument, "I'm done", block all forms of communication after saying something particularly provoking. Refuses to talk about it via text or email until we can talk about it face to face. When we're face to face, will dismiss talking about it or say it's in the past, let's move forward. No conversation had about incident.

^His reaction is hard for me to deal with because of my need to feel like we've processed things.

What do you need in these types of situations? What do you need from your partner? If isolating is what you need, in what instances might you accommodate your partners need for closure or a conversation before you isolate? Do you feel bad even if you never apologize? Is a simple "sorry" enough of a resolution for you?

I can't pick my partner's brain, so I'm hoping to pick yours. TIA.

 

[dulcia]

To be clear, "I'm sorry, let me think" or "Sorry, can we talk later" would suffice for me until we could actually have a conversation about it at a later point in time.

 

[bring em all in]

I can relate to this. My partner and I will have a brief, verbally explosive argument and then she shuts down. A few hours later she acts as though nothing had happened, while I'd like to "process" what happened and feel like it has not been swept under the rug. To her credit, she never throws past arguments in my face during new ones!!!

 

[dulcia]

So what ends up happening when you want to process and she is the opposite?

 

[bring em all in]

I wind up feeling invalidated and resentful- not healthy or helpful, but that's the way it is for me right now. I have so many issues within myself to deal with right now, taking on more (such as relationship issues) seems like too much to take on for now.

 

[Killashandra]

What I need after an arguement is reassurance. I don't feel like it but I need it. A cuddle or a kiss, but intimacy works best. It's re-establishing the connection between us both that is most important and needed for me. When we argue, I feel the tether that bonds us disintegrate, whether it be an arguement about us or even him venting.. I am Cptsd he is non.
I have just recently learnt this about myself, so many things we do unconsciously. We react unconsciously without realizing what it is that we actual need. Asking the repeated question Why has helped me understand this.

All the best

Killa ☺

 

[Hojay]

I'm in the exact same situation. My partner says he just needs to be left alone. If not left alone, or if I try to find some closure when I think he's ready, but he's not, I risk losing his trust that he can safely handle his "episodes" without interference. My need for closure/resolution and his need for quiet are both equally valid, yet it's an issue that can't seem to be bridged. I either have to live with the fact that I won't get closure until he is "better," (ultimately giving up all sense of control over the situation,) continue to push him when he's not ready (risking more severe PTSD symptoms,) or bounce out entirely. I'm not ready to do that, so the only way both our needs can be respected is if he gives me a word of reassurance before retreating (never indefinitely, that would be a no-go for me,) and me trusting that HE will bring up the issue when he is ready, so that I'm not in the position to always have to angle for it and trigger him in the process. I, in turn, need to just leave him alone. I really think that's all they need sometimes, which sounds simple, but is so very not. I think giving a sufferer what they need is only possible if our needs are met too.

We are currently within the argument that if he goes off on me inappropriately, I may be able to leave him alone after, but won't be able to do it with a godlike smile on my face. He would need reassurance, maybe a hug, which I think is too much to ask when someone has just chomped your face off over nothing. And round and round it goes.

 

[Friday]

Combat PTSD. Female.

Sex & Honesty.

 

[dulcia]

Hell yeah, @Friday. I'm usually too butt hurt to have sex soon after an argument or incident, but I'm sure it would solve a lot of things for me and my SO lol.

Thanks for your input, @Killashandra. A lot of times when he escalates or is triggered he will tell me he is done and needs to find someone else. But he will never remotely follow through, won't even stop talking or texting after he says it. Immediately after he will say he was just mad and doesn't mean it. I wonder if reassurance would help in those instances....something like, "I'm not going anywhere".

Man, I didn't realize this was such an issue of contention for so many PTSD relationships lol. I guess it makes sense, though. I have an issue with no closure too, @Hojay. He might say he'll bring up the issue when he is ready but he never does, so it's still an issue for me while he moves on and never mentions it again. Enter, therapy as the solution....?

 

[J'qel]

Sleep. After a huge fight I'm exhausted. I need peace and quiet and downtime for my brain to process and catch up to the high speed car chase that is emotionally fraught situations.