I’d suspect that, initially, every living creature might seem monstrous to a child. Yet I can’t recall myself as every being traumatized when viewing unfamiliar animals for the first time. If such traumas were likely, I’d suspect that young children might be denied admission to zoos.
However, if an adult were to visit a zoo with no prior knowledge that such animals existed, they might view these same creatures as grotesque. So perhaps anything perceived as being abnormally distorted might be thought of as monstrous.
My early childhood inability to apply logically thinking to these experiences had likely blurred my understanding of reality, so much, so that nearly every thought or visualization within my mind seemed possible. Thus, monster movies on TV were often frightening to me, resulting in sleep difficulties.
I’m aware of the subtle and ever-changing abstract luminous shapes within my visual-field that I’ll see when my eyes are closed within my darkened room. As a child, I can recall once asking my mother about these luminous moving lights within my eyes. I wasn’t frightened by them but rather more concerned. My mother merely suggested that I not look at them.
When age 4, my father’s intentional erect penis exposure seemed monstrous to me. At that time, I haven’t realized that his erect penis was actually part of his own body. I thought this penis was a strange creature floating in space in front of his. And what frightened me more was that this penis creature had no eyes and yet it appeared to be alive and bobbing up and down on its own while my father just stood there staring at me.
I could then see that my father’s hands were at his sides and that he wasn’t making any attempt to protect me from it. I then suddenly felt abandoned, as if he didn’t care about my safety. Yet, he had to have known I was frightened. Neither parent ever admitted to nor had they apologized for my CSA suffering. When I told my mother about my CSA at age 24, she responded by saying I’d only misinterpreted my father’s sleep-walking in the nude, as CSA.
The ‘skeleton like’ creature with very long arms that had grabbed me to pull me into a darkened space was one childhood monster that appeared within my dreams. Another childhood monster was a giant King Kong like creature that trying to grab my sister as she slept in our bedroom. In my dream, this monster’s huge arm entered through our bedroom window and was reaching for my sleeping sister, while I was viciously attacking its arm with an axe or saw. I didn’t want to make this vicious attack and yet, I felt I had to protect my sister at all costs. This nightmare was so graphic and immensely frightening that I’d never forgotten it.
Later, I had another dream where this same ‘King Kong like’ creature had returned and was again, trying to enter through my bedroom window. Then suddenly I realized that this was my dream and that I was in control of the narrative. And so, within my dream I boldly demanded this creature simply leave and it retreated. I can recall telling my first T about how empowered I felt within this dream.
This ‘King Kong like’ creature was somewhat like the imaginary creature that I had once described to my first T. Only that this monster was rather about the same size as a human adult. I’d sometimes imagine it, as if standing behind me and that this same visualization, would randomly pop up out of nowhere and provoke a fear within me. My T responded by suggesting that, I think positive and affectionate thoughts towards this imaginary monster. My second T suggested that I imagine myself affectionately petting this monster. Yet I'd told both T that, I couldn’t imagine myself doing that.
So then, my first T responded by saying that, I should learn to tolerate my vivid imagination while, my second T advised me to simply never talk about it again with anyone.
I don’t know, if, my creature visualizations have anything to do with my current, occasional panic episodes at my kitchen sink at night. These panic episode have been occurring for decades and I still feel venerable to them. What I’ll be visually imagining within my mind during these episodes is a blurry black shape, as if standing, in my kitchen doorway. Yet I can’t actually see it. During these panic episodes, I’ll feel so convinced that this monster is there that, I’ll be too frightened to turn around and look. I can only look towards my sides but not directly behind me. I have to wonder if this black mass might be the same black mass that, I've sometimes imagine as being at the foot of my bed, at night.
These days, my monsters seem more like a vague, blurry formless black mass, as if, cloaked in black — perhaps, somewhat like the grim reaper yet without the sickle blade or as something like a black bushy pine tree. Whatever the case, I fear being engulfed within this black formless mass.
