What does it mean to do well for you?

[rusty_maestro]

The way I see this every one is doing very well all the time. No ones gets up in the morning wanting to do shitty. Everybody brings their best effort forward every day, they give what they have. Let's celebrate that. Sure some day doing well may mean managing getting out of bed today, getting out of the house, go for a walk, hitting the gym, making yourself a nice meal. We are all doing very well at mediocre and average and we do great at peak peak performance. Like it said it's a peak so great doesn't last long but mediocre and average is what we spent most time in. and it's the base for greatness if you see it as a pyramid. So if you are doing or feeling mediocre, or average, you are doing well.

 

[bellbird]

The way I see this every one is doing very well all the time.

I disagree.
People aren't just a series of closed systems; one for each person. We interact with one another and the influence of our own actions extends beyond ourselves.
I think doing well has to take into account your own wellbeing as well as that of those around you.

Was my abuser doing very well when he raped me?
I mean from his perspective, he'd probably say yes. But not when you take a broader view of who else was impacted.

I think that it is more beneficial to navigate the line between some days the best effort I can give will be just to get out of bed and I want to make sure I stay mindful of how my own actions are impacting both myself and those around me, rather than just stopping at an eternal pat on the back.

 

[rusty_maestro]

Was my abuser doing very well when he raped me?

Its hard to see it that way some times, and not saying it's okay to rape here, but rapist are sick people to. Their behaviors are sick but you don't know how they feel, you don't know their story. Doesn't excuse the behavior but that day that might have been the best they got. They did well at mediocre not peak performance for sure. Sorry that happened to you.

 

[rusty_maestro]

I think doing well has to take into account your own wellbeing as well as that of those around you.

I would challenge that. If every one takes care of their own well being then we don't need to take care of those around us. I'm not responsible for anyone's wellbeing. Exception made maybe with kids but then again kids are pretty good at telling us what they need or at least show us in some ways they need something.

 

[Still Standing]

Hmmmm...I tend to agree with @bellbird's opinion of being aware of our own well-being and those of others. I think the desire to have organizations, charities, mental health clinics, hospitals, etc. is an indication that we, as compassionate human beings, want to assist in helping others attain a sense of well-being in whatever circumstances they find themselves in. But, am I my brother's keeper, so to speak? I guess that depends on the moral definition one lives by. For me, I would have to answer, "yes." to a certain degree.

If we were perfect people and able to attain a balanced sense of well-being, then @rusty_maestro's thoughts would be true, too. But, we are a flawed human race and to attain an equal sense of well-bing amongst all of us, just is not reasonable, in this life. I wish it were perfect. It would make things a bit easier.

Good question.

 

[rusty_maestro]

I think the desire to have organizations, charities, mental health clinics, hospitals, etc. is an indication that we, as compassionate human beings, want to assist in helping others attain a sense of well-being in whatever circumstances they find themselves in.

It's great we have organization that provides those types of services filled with "compassionate" people but a person needs to be responsible enough of their own well being to say this isn't working for me I need external help with my issue. No one is coming to my rescue I need to come forward to get the help I need. I worked in the health care field and trust me I saw some genuine people there truly caring for people but for most it was the pay check and benefits they were after, when you care for others it's easy to forget your problems to so is it really altruistic? Remove that pay check and you will see most health care workers walking away.

I guess we live in a society where we are lucky enough for some to live comfortably enough to allow ourselves to provide care for others, but if we were all in survival mode would we care or would we be everyone for themselves? Freud believed we are fundamentally bad vs Rogers who believed we are fundamentally good. I lean towards Freud on that one. When push comes to shove I think we are all capable of doing "bad".

Maslow and his hierarchy of needs believes as our basic needs are fulfilled we ascend his pyramid and eventually it comes to that self actualization where we become more selfless. You can see that with Bill Gates for example taking on philanthropic endeavors, but I would be curious to sit with the man and really ask him, do you really care for people in Africa or is it just a return on your investment or a tax saving strategies through your foundation? Even nuns or monks who seems so self less still have food and shelter provided to them through church. If that wasn't the case would they still do their work willingly?

Eric Berne and transactional analysis would say in each interaction their is a payoff and what we are all looking is attention because it is vital for our growth. Try this next time someone does something nice to you, turn around don't say thank you and walk away, see their reaction after that. I'm ready to bet you get at least a raised eye brow. The complexity of human interactions.

 

[bellbird]

you don't know how they feel, you don't know their story

Actually, I did know his story.

He was a victim of abuse.
He had a choice to not rape me.
And instead he decided to continue the chain of abuse.

He and I now share that story, of being abused.

But even on my worst of worst days, there is no way in hell I would go out and rape someone because that was the best I could give on that day. I do not give a shit about "how he was feeling" when he made that decision. He had other options. Plenty of them.

If every one takes care of their own well being then we don't need to take care of those around us.

So why do we have laws against stealing then? Or laws against murder or rape?

Because human society is built upon a foundation of upholding the wellbeing of everyone.

If everyone is doing their best at every moment, and an armed gunman rushes into a building and shoots a bunch of adult people, then you believe:

a) the gunman was doing very well at that moment (mediocre - not peak performance, but still very well)

b) the victims should take care of their own wellbeing now (they aren't kids so they aren't the potential exception to the rule), so that we don't need to send in emergency services (the emergency services should also stay away because the gunman could still be active, and it would be more conducive to the wellbeing of the emergency services to stay away from that site, rather than going in to try and save the injured).

Society doesn't work that way.

We have laws to protect us from crime because it is in the best interest of the population.
We have laws to say you must give way at a pedestrian crossing even if you are late for an appointment because the pedestrian's wellbeing is also important.
We have hospitals set up so that we can do our best to ensure the wellbeing of very sick people who cannot ensure it for themselves.
We have scientific researchers dedicating entire careers to finding cures for diseases that those researchers might not even have any predisposition to.
We have emergency services who put their lives in danger to rescue and save others.
We have anti-terrorism initiatives because even though there is the promise of Paradise awaiting a Jihad matyr, it compromises the wellbeing of others.
We have charities set up for the sole purpose of benefiting people who aren't the donors.
We have doctors and nurses decked out in PPE yet still putting their lives in danger everytime they intubate a critically ill covid patient, because they are trying to save them.

A society in which there is an effort to promote the wellbeing of people other than yourself, is a society in which your own wellbeing is most ensured.
A society where I can go lop someone's head off because I don't need to take care of those around me? Is one where someone else can just as easily come and do the same to me.

 

[Chris-duck]

A society in which there is an effort to promote the wellbeing of people other than yourself, is a society in which your own wellbeing is most ensured

This. Even when you wanna take the most selfish of routes where only *your* wellbeing matters, the system required to ensure *your* safety also requires you take other people's safety into consideration in your choices.

To answer the question, I don't even think everyone does *well* every day, otherwise why would anyone seek help for anything. The best someone can manage at that point n the best they are capable of with support are not the same thing. Baseless support is equal to no support imo.

Personally, I'm doing good when I feel confident in whatever I'm doing that day, whether it's work or kids or socialising or whatever. I can manage that any day, but a day I feel good n confident in it is a good day.

 

[Chris-duck]

No one is coming to my rescue I need to come forward to get the help I need. I worked in the health care field and trust me I saw some genuine people there truly caring for people but for most it was the pay check and benefits they were after, when you care for others it's easy to forget your problems to so is it really altruistic? Remove that pay check and you will see most health care workers walking away.

And I think this is complicating two issues. You are responsible for yourself. Both in your own safety *and* how you affect others.

I also work in the healthcare field? Would I work without the pay cheque? Maybe not. But there's a lot of other fields I could work in for a pay cheque. Nobody is saying it's altruistic. It is a pay cheque. It's a job. That people pick because they care. Doesn't mean it's something everyone would volunteer to do. Because *they* matter too.

 

[grit]

I think well being is really all relative.

One thing I notice is this: In US/Canada we do not even have children begging on the street...we are that good. We do not even have stray dogs!!! that is a new level. Yet many parts in the world there are hungry, homeless stray children. So in all relative we are sort of better off the basics of Maslow's hierarchy. In fact, in our culture today, we are more or less striving for actualization rather than for food or shelter (most of the time). Of course there is always exception to every rule.

I do understand where you are coming from. Sometimes, when some people are feeling down and out (hands up here), they do think around the world to have a better, narrower perspective and it does bring them back to their body and in the present.

Thank you for this post and hope you find what you are striving for.

 

[Chris-duck]

In US/Canada we do not even have children begging on the street...we are that good. We do not even have stray dogs!!!

I've been to USA and seen children begging on the streets. I live in the UK, and children beg on the streets here. It's less common than say, some places in Africa or South America, but to say it doesn't exist is ignorant.

Like it's a very judgemental POV. I dunno, like it's a way of distancing yourself from the issue so you don't have to deal with it "kids are hungry, but not in my country so not my problem", like no, that's not based on facts.

This thread confuses the f*ck out of me. As a kid who wasn't given food, to a teenager who was homeless to a self sufficient adult, all in the same country. How can you be on a ptsd website and literally think that doesnt happen? How f*cking rosey are your glasses?

 

[grit]

I've been to USA and seen children begging on the streets. I live in the UK, and children beg on the streets here. It's less common than say, some places in Africa or South America, but to say it doesn't exist is ignorant.

Like it's a very judgemental POV. I dunno, like it's a way of distancing yourself from the issue so you don't have to deal with it "kids are hungry, but not in my country so not my problem", like no, that's not based on facts.

This thread confuses the f*ck out of me. As a kid who wasn't given food, to a teenager who was homeless to a self sufficient adult, all in the same country. How can you be on a ptsd website and literally think that doesnt happen? How f*cking rosey are your glasses?

I am sorry my post annoy and hurt you. I am very sorry you were hurt as a child and were put in that situation. I was not promoting that at all. My god NO!

I am not saying these things are not important...FAR FROM THAT. I am saying it is not common...when I said a child I meant a child not a teenager that may appear like an adult to outsiders. I meant a younger child like 5 or 6...not allowed in Canada. The govt will take care of them (not this is any better trust me...rolling my eyes) but there are a lot of hidden issues in our collective western cultures that if one takes time to think about it, it is quite depressing if not even disturbing.