What Does "working On Shame" Really Mean/look Like?

[barefoot]

Wow @Vandya - that's quite a list. I am in awe of the commitment you have made to working on this area and am inspired to hear of the progress you've made with it.

@DogwoodTree - the thing about compassion/self-compassion increasing the sense of shame....I'm not sure how to explain at the moment... But Vandya's second bullet point above....the idea of stroking my face and saying kind things to myself...showing myself that level of compassion feels really...repellent. I can read Vandya's post and genuinely think wow, that's amazing and I can see how important those things are. But if I think about actually doing some of those things to myself...it just feels really "ugh!" I don't know why.

 

[traumaWisdom]

Shame is something I think that is intricately linked with PTSD. I think that shame stopped me telling my story and was the barrier to seeking help for so long. It's interesting, because shame doesn't come from what we actually think of ourselves, it's the story or narrative that has been given to us by others. I love Brene Brown's (shame/vulnerability researcher) take on 'shame' and 'guilt' - when we feel shame it's 'I am bad' and when we feel guilt it's 'I did something bad'. It took many years, but I worked on shame with a whole lot of journalling, therapy and compassion meditation so as to re-write that narrative and come to a place where I have nothing to be ashamed of. Let the perpetrators of the trauma feel the shame, I say.

 

[Teamwork]

Great topic, with lots of individual insights. I started working through the book It's Not Your Fault, by Beverly Engel. But that's all I did was start, then stop. It was a really painful start and on my own couldn't persist too much. But it is a great resource, for when I am ready to get back to it.

 

[jaccat]

My T recommended a book- Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw, which I found helpful, though I skipped the spiritual bit at the end. (Sorry, I'd elaborate, but I'm not feeling great.)

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the suggestions and book recommendations.

I did a shame brainstorm and took it to my session yesterday. Felt like a big deal to create it and then to share it with my therapist. And then I felt that she didn't really engage with it. She asked me a few questions about one thing I'd written on it and didn't say anying about any of the rest.

Not really the reaction I expected/wanted having put a load of my shameful stuff out there...!

So...feeling very upset and anxious today. About her response (or lack of!) to this shame stuff and also some other stuff about yesterday's session.

I feel like I did something wrong somehow. I just don't know what.
But I don't know if presented my sheet of shame just coloured my the lens that I saw her and the session through. I don't know. Just feel really shitty today.

 

[traumaWisdom]

So...feeling very upset and anxious today. About her response (or lack of!) to this shame stuff and also some other stuff about yesterday's session.

Hi Barefoot...I'm sorry that happened in your session and yeah, it can feel so invalidating to be ready to unload and then not feel heard. Keep trying, if you can, to tell your story about the shameful stuff as I've found that the secrecy and withholding is what keeps shame alive. I'm sure you did nothing wrong at all...talking about this stuff can leave you feeling pretty raw and vulnerable....take it gently and be kind to your self

 

[DogwoodTree]

the idea of stroking my face and saying kind things to myself...showing myself that level of compassion feels really...repellent.

I feel the same way, and I'm not sure it's completely due to shame or completely due to a lack of self-compassion--not sure these are truly opposites. Seems like I should be able to have compassion for myself (I'm only human, I make mistakes) without having to look at myself in the mirror (which seems more like self-adoration than self-compassion, but maybe that's just me).

And then I felt that she didn't really engage with it. She asked me a few questions about one thing I'd written on it and didn't say anying about any of the rest.

I hate it when this happens...which it seems to happen at pretty much every session, regardless of the therapist I'm seeing (I've worked with 3 different Ts over the past 2 years...one main one, and 2 periphery ones).

Like...why can they not connect with what our experience is? ...with what is important to us in this moment? Is there something we're expecting that is not appropriate? Or are they offering something that we're not picking up on? Is reality being filtered and distorted through our shame, or are our expectations out of whack, or is therapy just not the place to process some of this stuff? I don't know.

I'm sorry she missed you. Happened to me today, too. I don't know how to fix this, and really I'm on the verge of walking away from therapy altogether.

 

[barefoot]

@BeautifullyFlawed Thank you for the encouragement - I will try again!

Sorry you had a similar experience and a miss today @DogwoodTree
It can certainly be a rough ride. Sometimes I leave sessions totally flummoxed and wondering what the hell just happened. Talking about those sessions next time often leads to a reallly good next session though, I find. Hopefully that will be the case for both of us for our next sessions.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

For me sometimes I say "wow that was a really hard situation and you did a great job surviving that.." T...

I feel exactly the same way. I keep trying to deny my situation even happened the way it really did, as well. Then I will read poetry that I wrote throughout my life and see art that I drew and it brings me back to the reality and how it sculpted who I was over the course of 24 years. And I am just now starting to deal with shame and have no idea how. My friend once told me, "but your heart is pure, and God can see that." But I am not sure if I can believe her.

 

[saraemerald]

For me sometimes I say "wow that was a really hard situation and you did a great job surviving that.." T...

Everything you said. I feel the same thing all the time. Not fun

 

[saraemerald]

I feel exactly the same way. I keep trying to deny my situation even happened the way it really did, a...

I think the shame we feel is the worse of it all. Like, it's harder to forgive ourselves for any mistake we make than to forgive others for their mistakes.

 

[traumaWisdom]

I'm not sure it's completely due to shame or completely due to a lack of self-compassion

Hi @DogwoodTree...that's a good point about the connectedness between shame and self compassion. I think that shame is also connected to self blame and it's hard to feel love for ourself whilst also feeling responsible for what happened, even if the logical part of our brains knows that this is not true

It can certainly be a rough ride. Sometimes I leave sessions totally flummoxed and wondering what the hell just happened.

Yeah, I reckon therapy is like having a previously fractured leg rebroken over and over again to make sure it's set right. It freaking hurts although, was ultimately what set me free from the demons of the past. I was in intensive therapy for 2-3 years and then ongoing regular sessions for another 4 years after that and my therapist came from a humanistic and trauma-based approach and was able to sit with the difficult stories and accompanying emotions. I see it as 'stirring the bottom of the pond' and then waiting for the silt and dirt to settle until the pond becomes clearer. Often excruciating work but definitely worth it.

Was talking to my partner about this today...said it's like living with chronic pain. There are days when I forget there is even an issue and other days when the pain rises to the surface and I have to sit with it and use the tools I've learned, knowing it will pass. And thankfully it does.