What Have You Told Or Haven't Told Your Partner

[Jimmy1]

I was actually reading through some of the posts in the supporters section of the other forum and I came across a post where there was a 25 year veteran who had retired. He had locked his uniforms away, taken his dog tags off, and let his hair grow.
Two years later, he started wearing is dog tags again, dragged his uniforms out and got a high and tight haircut again.

[When I first discharged, I locked my uniforms away, took my dogtags off and let my beard and hair grow too. It was hard too after 20 years of it. But I went back to a neat haircut and shave when I want to] Maybe nothing was wrong. He had PTSD apparently from Spec Ops Duties, and the VA would not give him the help he needed because there was no proof.

The poor woman had no idea what was going on.... She thought something dramatic was happening.

So, what had he actually told his wife during his service??

Now, down under I know a lot of guys who don't tell their partner anything about what they do for a career in the military, let alone what experiences they have had whilst serving overseas, so how can they expect their 'Life' partner to understand when they all of a sudden exhibit symptoms of PTSD.

Now on the other side of the coin, I know of some partners that could not give a shit what their other half does or how they are feeling, as long as there is money in the bank.

Where do you fit in.

Me first. Well, I was not diagnosed correctly in the first place and by the time I had been diagnosed, after my second deployment, the damage had already been done and my wife left me. I don't resent her, how could I, putting up with all the anger and verbal abuse. And it wasn't fair on the kids either and I am still undoing those issues.

Now with my new (Wife in two weeks), well I am lucky to find a woman who not only cares, but actually tried to understand about PTSD. She understands when I am up at 3 am in my cave becasue I could not sleep. She understands that when I am having a bad day I want to isolate. And at the same time, she won't let me use it as an excuse either (not that I would). But it does not make it any easier on her when I go off on a rant for no apparent reason.

So........................................................

I am lucky to find the right person and to all you single veterans, you have the ability to find the right person for your life, if you want.

And to all the Nam Veterans, I don't know how you survived and how your partners that stayed on handled it, not knowing what the beast actually was. You guys had no options, we do.

 

[reddevil1111]

I glaze over thing. I told her some of the places I have been and a little bit of what some of the work was. No details at all. She is happier that way and so am I. She knows I was a bad-assed cook. :) I heard her talking to her sister who is visiting us for 30 days of hell. She didnt know I could hear and she told her about our second date. Some guys were taking photos at a gas station she ducked into to get a drink at. She came out and told me three guys took photos of her breasts and ass. They walked out and I unleashed on them. Broke the camera and destroyed the film and I might have hit some people as well. Maybe a lot. Point is, she saw me kickin ass and taking names and that was the moment she told her sister she was in love withme. That I would go to war for her. Made me kinda smile. And yeah its a classic example of the PTSD I had at the time. But knowing she remembered that was kinda cool.
I might be all old and broken now, but I could cook a mean ...steak once upon a time. :)

 

[Barberian]

My personal experiences in the navy wern't all that dramatic or "story" worthy. Most of my PTST comes from being threatened with being tied up with chains and thrown overboard, and then having to live in constant fear for the next 5-6 months of this guy and his friends. He was a subordinate in my shop. A major contribuiting factor was having the Metalica "Black" cd played all day every day at a loud volume for that whole cruise as well. It may not sound like much but look up psy ops use of music in torturing people. I've written elswhere about the music. I've told her about it, but it just doesn't translate well.

 

[Wagon]

Its all gloss for me. I've glossed it so much over the years, Sometimes I forget shit. Then it comes bubbling up in dribs and drabs. I think I tried to explain to some girlfriends just after I got out. Didn't seem right. Didn't feel comfortable, like it was a dark secret that nobody should know. I just developed a standars 5 o'clock news blurb about my whole time there. Little detail. A psychologist called me on it once in a management course. Bit uncomfortable that.

I'll have to face it all soon.

 

[Pepsi]

Didn't tell my spouse for three years and left her and the kids guessing as to why I'd come home such an horrible person. Then I resented her for not "understanding". I've been really lucky with that - when I did finally tell her she was RELIEVED, I suppose she was thinking it was her, as I'd given her plenty of reason to think so. Why she's still with me is beyond me and I tell her its a sure sign that she's more f*cked up than me. She just rolls her eyes. sometimes I wish she hadn't stayed, just because I owe her and the kids and some nights I'd really rather just not wake up. My counselor told me recently that vets often push away those closest to them, so even this attempt to manage my self is a symptom of the problem. That has to do with the diagnosis though. Like Wagon, I've got my five minute blurb on the whole experience, which usually includes enough "pissed off veteran" buzzwords to stiffle any further conversation on the topic. There are so many things I just don't want to talk about to my family. I feel that by not giving them all the details I'm protecting them. After all, look what all this shit did to me?

 

[Jimmy1]

Pepsi, usually with me it's a case of not practising what I preach. I am great at dishing out information and advice, but don't follow it through with my own life. My wife left me, but the woman I am marrying in less than two weeks loves me for the person inside, not for what I have experienced. She does not need to know the nitty gritty, either does anyone on the forum unless you feel comfortable. The only person that really needs to hear it is the therapist and that is only so you can get better. That in itself can take years. I have been going to therapy for 6 years now and I haven't even begun to deal with everything. What I have been doing is getting the right medication to make me feel semi-human and learning the skills to help deal with day to day life and the day to day symptoms.
Just being on this forum and telling us that you have had a really f*cked up day can sometimes be of help in itself. Sometimes just being here and belonging to a group can help.

The traumas that caused our PTSD are private, well private to ourselves. Sometimes we don't have to relive them and deal with them until they start rearing their ugly head and visiting us in our sleep via nightmares, or during the day by intrusive thoughts or flashbacks due to certain triggers. Then we need to do something about them.

Going off on a tangent now. I only started this thread to find out for my own curiosity.

Pepsi, have you ever thought that your wife actually loves you, and can still see the person you were inside???

 

[Pepsi]

Jimmy congrats on your upcoming marriage. It sounds like you're on the upswing. In answer to your question, yes I think my wife does actually love me (fool her) and thinks she can still see the person I was inside. That's the problem. She married that other mother f*cker, with the high ideals and the take-the-bull-by-the-horns attitude, the honorable man who gave a shit and would pay the price for it. Not this f*cker. One day she may wake up and realize that, not that I haven't told her. She thinks he's still in here somewhere, and he's not. That mother f*cker died in Iraq. I saw it myself, probably did half the killing myself just to get through to home. Little did I know, you don't ever come home. Now I couldn't stand being in the same room with him. I can never get my head around the idea that he got exactly what he deserved... which is me. Now that IS f*cked up.

 

[Pepsi]

I glaze over thing. I told her some of the places I have been and a little bit of what some of the work was. No details at all. She is happier that way and so am I. She knows I was a bad-assed cook. :) I heard her talking to her sister who is visiting us for 30 days of hell. She didnt know I could hear and she told her about our second date. Some guys were taking photos at a gas station she ducked into to get a drink at. She came out and told me three guys took photos of her breasts and ass. They walked out and I unleashed on them. Broke the camera and destroyed the film and I might have hit some people as well. Maybe a lot. Point is, she saw me kickin ass and taking names and that was the moment she told her sister she was in love withme. That I would go to war for her. Made me kinda smile. And yeah its a classic example of the PTSD I had at the time. But knowing she remembered that was kinda cool.
I might be all old and broken now, but I could cook a mean ...steak once upon a time. :)

Damn now that is a romance story worth telling.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Pepsi, I thought like you once. I thought there was no future and who would want me. The only thing I attracted into my life was grief. Don't give up on yourself. So what if the person you once were died over there. Take the bull by the horns and get used to who you are now. Learn to live with who you are now, it can be done. Nearly everyone on here is doing that. It takes a little hard work that's all. Maybe your wife just does not want to give up and wants to love the person you are now. That is her choice, not yours.

I used to walk around telling myself that I did not deserve anything. That is a bit of survivors guilt or something like that. I used to also walk around feeling numb, nothing worried me, no emotions.
My wife to be said now she can see the emotion on my face, I just can't recognise it. So there is hope for us all.

Jimmy

 

[Fargo1]

I have told a couple of the stories to my closest friend. The guy who saved me from certain destruction last year. When I told him those stories, he said, "Man I have known you for 17 years and I never had any idea. I just thought you were being a dick."

As far as telling my girlfriends, my response is this: "The English language doesn't allow me to explain it to you properly so that you can understand it. And if it did, I wouldn't tell you because then you would KNOW what it was like and I don't want to put that on anyone."

I think it is more important that partners understand the symptoms and mechanisms of PTSD so that they know what they're in for and so that they can assist when necessary, and take care of themselves always.

Just my burnished 2 cents.

 

[Bill Simmons]

My wife and I talk a lot at times....not sure if that is a good thing or not. I don't like to see her cry and she don't like to see me cry....but sometimes the sleeping dogs wake up and come out barking.

 

[Anglesachse]

Never told my misses anything, It was allways "were off on exercise, cya in a couple of weeks" and she never asked. When I hit rock bottom 3 year ago, I turned into a babling wreck. and I know there was a lot that came out that I didn`t want her to know. She still doesn`t ask, and I have no idea what I realy mentioned. I am only glad that she can`t make any sense of the stuff I was on about. I doubt anybody but a vet could.

She knows the basics of Northern Ireland and beating the streets but it is still only snipetts of info on Bosnia and the Gulf. Which is where I like it. She and my nipper don`t need to know. They both know that I have killed been nearly killed and lost mates, and that is that.

But one of the biggest struggles for her, is understanding the tie`s I have to the military. Even today there is still green blood running through my viens, I just can`t get it out my system. Maybe it is purely down to the fact that I was a pad Brat. I was born into a military family or better still I was born into the military machine, I realy am a damn cog in that huge piece of machinery. Ok its a small cog on a side lined gearbox, but it may be put back to use some time.

Now I am starting to ramble....