What Have You Told Or Haven't Told Your Partner

[Kati]

Not much. But then again he does not want to know. He still believes the Army hype that one day I will wake up (hmmm.... that implies I am sleeping in the first place) and I will magically be fine. When I have tried to talk about it - he has more important things to do and real problems to worry about. Personally I think he just does not want to hear it. He has been very supportive in some ways. Hell... for the last two years I have slept on the couch. Not because of marriage problems but because he moves a lot in his sleep.. He startles me awake and I do not know when or where I am. At least on the couch, my back is protected and for some reason I feel safer and can get a little more sleep. As I told him over a year ago... we have two empty beds in this house and I sleep on a couch.
My daughters swear that nothing has changed. But then over the fourth - they look at me with pity as I was shaking in fear.
My son has talked to me more about his feelings on this new reality but it basically is he doesn't want to know because he is worried that one day it will be him. He has always wanted to join.
So where does that leave me - drinking each night to numb the shakiness caused by working, hoping to get to sleep before 3 or 4 am....struggling to cope with being forced to be an introvert and desparately afraid if they know the things I have been through or have done, I will no longer have a family.
So I go through the motions and pretend to be human every day while feeling more and more left out. Sometimes it feels as though I died the day I went on my first deployment and I am a ghost just watching but never being a part of it.

 

[Jimmy1]

Kati,

In all seriousness the only person you should concentrate on is you. I was a single father and my boy was classed as a young carer at one stage, during the early days when my medication was high and I was having intense therapy.

The sleep gets better eventually once you get your meds sorted and have a good routine. Sleeping on the couch and not feeling like you can sleep in your own bed is bad though. Maybe he is in denial. Partners of cancer patients often do that, or else he is ignorant. Maybe he needs a sit down with your therapist or shrink.

And Kati for you, get yourself a copy of 'Once a warrior, always a warrior'. I have learnt so much from it and Margaret is going to read it after me.
Cheers

Jimmy

 

[Kati]

I will try the book. The couch - he never gets mad at it - but I miss my bed. I try to sleep there but always end up on the couch - basically because it makes no sense got me keep both of us awake.
He has tried the sit down with my therapist. She thinks this is his way of ccoping with everything. She offered him therapy but he refused. He says he does not need it. Even when we both explained that it would do more to help me. He still does not want it. And I really do not want to force him to do something he is not willing to do. It will become a source of strife. This is not perfect.

 

[Robert Ledbetter]

I've never really talked about the Army or the war with my current wife. She knew me before the Army and Iraq. She has seen how I've changed. She's never asked about it and I've never brought it up. She knows I served and that things that happened in Iraq have caused fuses to blow and wires to get crossed in my head. She accepts it as such and tries her best to help keep me level on my rocky days.

 

[Tim Cake]

My wife and dogs are my counterweights back into the "real world" -- if there is such a thing.

 

[Bill Simmons]

If I had it all to do over again, I would not have told my wife as much as I have. Even based on the fact she has been on the line in Beirut with a AK 47 in her hand she did not need to know what went on in Viet Nam. We all assume that if someone knows what really went on with us they would understand why we act the way we do. Well, understanding really does not change much. It really does not change the situation for the better. My wife now has to carry around not only her own shit from her war but mind also. It would have been better for everyone concerned if I had just not come back.

 

[reddevil1111]

Trust me Bill at times I am sure all of us have felt like not returning would have been for the better or easier. I once was very jealous of the dead as they didnt have to keep reliving the war and the associated guilt/horror and rage.
But to give in to those feelings is to take the easy road and I dont think that's you at all. I tend to think your a bit more hard than that. Chin up and drive on!

 

[Bill Simmons]

Thanks Red...today has just been "one of those days"...it comes and goes.

It really does not matter what I may wish for at some certain moment in time. Truth is, I am here and I got this to deal with and so does my wife. It is just hard to deal with on certain days when I am not as strong as I need to be. There really is no"easy road"...just does not exist. The point is it makes no difference if it would have been better if I had not come back because I did come back. I just say stupid f*cking stuff when I get fed up with all this shit.
I got a lot of pent up anger at the moment that is just below the surface and it don't take much to set it off.

I have to laugh out loud when I think about going to the VA to get them to help me because of something they caused. I can just hear the conversation now. Well Mr. Simmons how do you feel? Angry as hell. Why? Because one of the VA doctors screwed up. Really!! How does that make you feel. Well buddy...how bout I just show you!! It will get better, just need a little time. I been trying my best to back away from all this and rest up for the next battle with them. It is not smart to fight when you are down unless you have no other option.

 

[Cufflinks]

I have told a couple of the stories to my closest friend. The guy who saved me from certain destruction last year. When I told him those stories, he said, "Man I have known you for 17 years and I never had any idea. I just thought you were being a dick."

As far as telling my girlfriends, my response is this: "The English language doesn't allow me to explain it to you properly so that you can understand it. And if it did, I wouldn't tell you because then you would KNOW what it was like and I don't want to put that on anyone."

I think it is more important that partners understand the symptoms and mechanisms of PTSD so that they know what they're in for and so that they can assist when necessary, and take care of themselves always.

Just my burnished 2 cents.

Fargo, You've just made my day. I couldn't agree more.
I phoned a friend that I've known 35 years to tell them about my PTSD. They could hardly believe it. The reaction was, what are you doing, you need to be with friends NOW. I'm going there for the weekend and the thought of spending it with old friends who want to help without judging is amazing.There will be tears, honesty and support and I know that they'll be there for me.
Unfortunately, my wife has had enough of my shit over the years and is heading towards the door. I feel a little caught in the crossfire. On one hand a future where old friends understand me and know the person I used to be and want to help or a wife who has had enough but I haven't lost yet but within a relationship which is strained to breaking point. Mainly by me and the moods and anger.