goingonhope
VIP Member
I think I hate the longevity of suffering and it's intensity the most.
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What I Hate The Most About Ptsd
- Post starter Marlene
- Start date
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I think that's how I'm feeling today forward like my PTSD is being used against me.
I was made to feel like todays problems were all mine and I was at fault, but I'm not.
Yet telling myself this fact does not help my feels.
I don't blame my husband as I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's doing it.
Yet he knows I can't stand being shouted at and yet he did it.
I now have one of my really bad headaches coming on and I feel really upset.
I hate everything about PTSD and I wwould like it to go away now please but wishful thinking isn't going to solve this one. No matter how much I wish it would.
I was made to feel like todays problems were all mine and I was at fault, but I'm not.
Yet telling myself this fact does not help my feels.
I don't blame my husband as I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's doing it.
Yet he knows I can't stand being shouted at and yet he did it.
I now have one of my really bad headaches coming on and I feel really upset.
I hate everything about PTSD and I wwould like it to go away now please but wishful thinking isn't going to solve this one. No matter how much I wish it would.
Well update my husband and I have had a full blown fall out now and I am really hating him for making me feel like this. Mind I think I might be hating myself more at the moment.
If he had just stopped talking when I advided we wouldn't be here now. But no he can't help it and I have said some really nasty things. I Hate PTSD and I wish they could cut it out :mad:
discovering me
New Here
I hate that I've worked so hard to heal and there is still work to do. I feel too shattered to be fixed.
Constantly exhausted. Put the mask up, do what I must, no energy. I hate that I stand away from intimate relationships because i fear that another person can handle my intensity and ptsd symptoms.
Things can be going ok for a while and dang nabbit a trigger, fall back for a few days.
What I hate most...I have worked hard to remove the images of myself that other's have created for me. But this is only on the cognitive level, I haven't figured out a way to accept it within my own soul.
I want to like me, but I just don't.
Constantly exhausted. Put the mask up, do what I must, no energy. I hate that I stand away from intimate relationships because i fear that another person can handle my intensity and ptsd symptoms.
Things can be going ok for a while and dang nabbit a trigger, fall back for a few days.
What I hate most...I have worked hard to remove the images of myself that other's have created for me. But this is only on the cognitive level, I haven't figured out a way to accept it within my own soul.
I want to like me, but I just don't.
What do *I* hate? Let's see.
I hate the way people look at me when I cry at my desk in school if I'm having a flashback.
I hate the way my friends always look at me funny when I ask one of them to go to the bathroom with me, even if they know why; they still give me that look for a moment.
I hate the way I cry every time I wash my hands after using the bathroom.
I hate that I've now started crying and getting flashbacks in the SHOWER For God's Sake.
I hate that I now tense up whenever I'm trying to cut my food>> I almost even forget HOW to cut my food.
I hate that I tense up every time I want to get tea at school.
I hate that I can't get a good night's sleep that isn't interrupted.
I hate hearing voices and seeing "movies" that I'd never thought I'd see again.
I hate that my Daddy or Mommy or someone will say something unintentionally, like "You should have been doing this.", or when discussing where to go for our trip, Daddy will say "I'd like to go to the UK again" and then I spend the rest of my night under the covers crying because I'm a horrible friend and deserve to die, and I feel awful that I'm stopping my Mommy and Daddy from doing what they want, because they love me and I shouldn't be doing this to them, and it's all my fault.
I hate that I feel as if I should jump in front of cars hoping to get run over, or that I should find a jump rope and hang myself in the closet. (These thoughts also give me flashbacks... It's a bit of a paradox.)
I hate feeling like I'm twelve all over again. >.<
I hate the way people look at me when I cry at my desk in school if I'm having a flashback.
I hate the way my friends always look at me funny when I ask one of them to go to the bathroom with me, even if they know why; they still give me that look for a moment.
I hate the way I cry every time I wash my hands after using the bathroom.
I hate that I've now started crying and getting flashbacks in the SHOWER For God's Sake.
I hate that I now tense up whenever I'm trying to cut my food>> I almost even forget HOW to cut my food.
I hate that I tense up every time I want to get tea at school.
I hate that I can't get a good night's sleep that isn't interrupted.
I hate hearing voices and seeing "movies" that I'd never thought I'd see again.
I hate that my Daddy or Mommy or someone will say something unintentionally, like "You should have been doing this.", or when discussing where to go for our trip, Daddy will say "I'd like to go to the UK again" and then I spend the rest of my night under the covers crying because I'm a horrible friend and deserve to die, and I feel awful that I'm stopping my Mommy and Daddy from doing what they want, because they love me and I shouldn't be doing this to them, and it's all my fault.
I hate that I feel as if I should jump in front of cars hoping to get run over, or that I should find a jump rope and hang myself in the closet. (These thoughts also give me flashbacks... It's a bit of a paradox.)
I hate feeling like I'm twelve all over again. >.<
angel2write
Diamond Member
I hate feeling like a second class citizen- like everyone around me is ok and knows what they are doing and how to do it, but I question and question and question every decision I make.
I hate how I end up endlessly reviewing everything I say or do. And how much it hurts me if I think I've upset anybody. Even if they were being horrible to me, I can't stand to hurt anyone even in the slightest degree.
I hate watching TV or a movie or reading a book and suddenly seeing torture presented as entertainment or rape or child abuse... or hear someone begging for mercy and not receiving it... and I lose my mind again for hours to days. Screaming black anxiety. Fear. Shame. Desperation...
I hate not being able to participate in things for my kids and give them a normal life. I hate how this complicates everything, not just for me, but for my entire family.
I hate how, even when I KNOW what the trigger is, I still can't control my reaction to it.
I HATE feeling so out of control. I should be able to FIX THIS. I SHOULD. But I can't... And I hate how other people think they can give me advice about how to fix it better/faster by (pick one) prayer, meditation, forgiving my abusers, diet, nutrition, exercise, reading the bible, getting out more, paying more attention to others, controlling my emotions, or just plain "getting over it."
I get up and I force myself to get dressed and do things with and for my family. I force myself through my days. I face my fears, work on my triggers, work my therapy, challenge my thoughts... and I HATE how it is still so DAMNED MUCH WORK just to act like a normal human for a couple of hours! It's so exhausting! And I hate how people look at me like a slacker because I do so little. I don't volunteer for things. I can rarely help with clean-up after events. It's all I can do to keep from screaming; putting plastic wrap on leftovers in a crowded kitchen is beyond me.
People look at me like I'm snobbish, or think I'm too good to pitch in. Oh, I hate that. I want to take them sometimes and say, "Don't you understand... can't you understand how much I've gone through just to BE here today?"
I feel like the little mermaid from the story- every step on dry land feels like I'm walking on knives. And I pretend to be a normal human and hide the pain... but when I manage to hide it, they take it for granted that I'm fine and wonder why I'm such a lazy slob... but if I show the pain, they avoid me because I seem crazy and out of control. And I hate the catch-22 situation it puts me in.
I hate bottling up the truth and having to pretend to be someone different than I am in order to have human contact. I hate keeping the mask up. I hate "faking it until I make it." I hate the memories, the nightmares, the flashbacks that make me scream at myself in the car, in the shower, in the hallway unloading the dryer... I hate flinching from touch and dodging crowds and wearing sunglasses indoors and getting horrible headaches from flashing lights and just being so darned VULNERABLE all the time.
And I hate the little triggers. The ones that pop up out of nowhere. That make no sense. Grape soda. Window glass at night. The word "console." Mention of a child "eating all their food." The things that send me into an anxiety spiral over something that makes no real sense, that I think I've dealt with, but that still has enough power over me just to make life difficult. It can't stop me, but oh, it makes it so hard sometimes.
And I hate the sadness I see in the eyes of my husband, my children, my friends, when time after time I manage to prove that I'm not "better" yet.
I hate how I end up endlessly reviewing everything I say or do. And how much it hurts me if I think I've upset anybody. Even if they were being horrible to me, I can't stand to hurt anyone even in the slightest degree.
I hate watching TV or a movie or reading a book and suddenly seeing torture presented as entertainment or rape or child abuse... or hear someone begging for mercy and not receiving it... and I lose my mind again for hours to days. Screaming black anxiety. Fear. Shame. Desperation...
I hate not being able to participate in things for my kids and give them a normal life. I hate how this complicates everything, not just for me, but for my entire family.
I hate how, even when I KNOW what the trigger is, I still can't control my reaction to it.
I HATE feeling so out of control. I should be able to FIX THIS. I SHOULD. But I can't... And I hate how other people think they can give me advice about how to fix it better/faster by (pick one) prayer, meditation, forgiving my abusers, diet, nutrition, exercise, reading the bible, getting out more, paying more attention to others, controlling my emotions, or just plain "getting over it."
I get up and I force myself to get dressed and do things with and for my family. I force myself through my days. I face my fears, work on my triggers, work my therapy, challenge my thoughts... and I HATE how it is still so DAMNED MUCH WORK just to act like a normal human for a couple of hours! It's so exhausting! And I hate how people look at me like a slacker because I do so little. I don't volunteer for things. I can rarely help with clean-up after events. It's all I can do to keep from screaming; putting plastic wrap on leftovers in a crowded kitchen is beyond me.
People look at me like I'm snobbish, or think I'm too good to pitch in. Oh, I hate that. I want to take them sometimes and say, "Don't you understand... can't you understand how much I've gone through just to BE here today?"
I feel like the little mermaid from the story- every step on dry land feels like I'm walking on knives. And I pretend to be a normal human and hide the pain... but when I manage to hide it, they take it for granted that I'm fine and wonder why I'm such a lazy slob... but if I show the pain, they avoid me because I seem crazy and out of control. And I hate the catch-22 situation it puts me in.
I hate bottling up the truth and having to pretend to be someone different than I am in order to have human contact. I hate keeping the mask up. I hate "faking it until I make it." I hate the memories, the nightmares, the flashbacks that make me scream at myself in the car, in the shower, in the hallway unloading the dryer... I hate flinching from touch and dodging crowds and wearing sunglasses indoors and getting horrible headaches from flashing lights and just being so darned VULNERABLE all the time.
And I hate the little triggers. The ones that pop up out of nowhere. That make no sense. Grape soda. Window glass at night. The word "console." Mention of a child "eating all their food." The things that send me into an anxiety spiral over something that makes no real sense, that I think I've dealt with, but that still has enough power over me just to make life difficult. It can't stop me, but oh, it makes it so hard sometimes.
And I hate the sadness I see in the eyes of my husband, my children, my friends, when time after time I manage to prove that I'm not "better" yet.
Loveneverfails
Diamond Member
For me, I hate the inability to trust. Always assuming the worst in people and thus, always finding a way to prove myself right. Pushing people away to a comfortable distance so that they can't hurt me. I hate that somewhere along the way I've begun associating love and affection with pain. It's a double edged sword. On one hand I always expect it...and yet on the other I think I may on occasion subconsciously seek it out.
Loveneverfails, that's an interesting way to put it.
I've heard that 'not trusting' is a way to control the outcome- we can control the trust won't be broken.
But on the other hand, to trust but at the same time 'expect' that that trust will eventually be broken, isn't that great an alternative. I realize (now) I do that and am sure (for a select few) it's not warranted or necessarily ('inevitably-without-exception') 'true'.
But tell your heart that. Sort of like 'accepting future likely pain', like you said (vs not 'expecting' that it won't end in pain/ mistrust, etc).
Also when one loves, or has to live with, or associate with, or work with someone who isn't trustworthy, it is difficult because some working-trust must be given, all the while while you are aware it will be broken, at some points.
I've heard that 'not trusting' is a way to control the outcome- we can control the trust won't be broken.
But on the other hand, to trust but at the same time 'expect' that that trust will eventually be broken, isn't that great an alternative. I realize (now) I do that and am sure (for a select few) it's not warranted or necessarily ('inevitably-without-exception') 'true'.
But tell your heart that. Sort of like 'accepting future likely pain', like you said (vs not 'expecting' that it won't end in pain/ mistrust, etc).
Also when one loves, or has to live with, or associate with, or work with someone who isn't trustworthy, it is difficult because some working-trust must be given, all the while while you are aware it will be broken, at some points.
CraftyCath
VIP Member
I always thought that I didn't trust people but after they become friends I seem to trust them completely and they can get away with hurting me and I just sit and take it until it becomes abuse.
This came up recently in my T session and is also true with my H and kids. If they start an argument I will inevitably try to intervene, to see both sides, help sort it out etc. My T says this is me being the rescuer and as they continue to argue or it becomes aggressive I then become the victim of their verbal bullying.
I then become triggered and dissociative and end up in floods of tears; confused and not knowing how it all started.
My T and I have built a little 'action plan' to allow me to escape if this occurs by distancing myself either to another room or better still, to the library or hotel if things get particularly bad. With My H and possibly younger son (not sure about the oldest) having Aspergic tendencies they will only learn if I give them a visible clue that I find their behaviour inappropriate. So I have told them that if it happens and I find myself in the middle of it I will 'step out' of it and leave them all to it until they have calmed down and sorted their differences.
This came up recently in my T session and is also true with my H and kids. If they start an argument I will inevitably try to intervene, to see both sides, help sort it out etc. My T says this is me being the rescuer and as they continue to argue or it becomes aggressive I then become the victim of their verbal bullying.
I then become triggered and dissociative and end up in floods of tears; confused and not knowing how it all started.
My T and I have built a little 'action plan' to allow me to escape if this occurs by distancing myself either to another room or better still, to the library or hotel if things get particularly bad. With My H and possibly younger son (not sure about the oldest) having Aspergic tendencies they will only learn if I give them a visible clue that I find their behaviour inappropriate. So I have told them that if it happens and I find myself in the middle of it I will 'step out' of it and leave them all to it until they have calmed down and sorted their differences.
intothelight
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Knowing what I need to do to be better, and not being able to find a way to do it.
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