What I Hate The Most About Ptsd

[Marlene]

I think the thing I absolutely hate the most about PTSD is that even when I do something I enjoy, something fun, or something I've looked forward to that's just a tad off center from my normal scheduled day, my body and mind let me know about it in not so pleasant ways.

This afternoon a bunch of people I work with, people that I like and enjoy being around went to lunch. We had a really good time. Lots of laughing and joking and playing. I get back to my office and almost immediately I feel off. After about 30 minutes I could feel the anxiety starting to bubble up. Not as bad as it has been in the past. But my muscles are so well trained that the with the least little prompting, they tighten up and hurt and it just goes from there. I ended up taking a half a klonopin to try and get my body to just stop doing this because there was no reason.

Another example is my husband and I went out of town for the weekend not too long ago. We had such fun. Then when I got home I ended up with a ton of anxiety and a flaring of symtpoms. I was miserable for the two days after. There's a whole laundry list of things I can add to this. Everytime I think I'm past this...no soap. It's still there.

I've had people tell me that I'm rather boring and predictable (not ones who know what I went through and how hard I fought to recover) because I keep to a schedule and routine. They just don't know how important it is for me overall. But when I want to be a normal, spontaneous human being sometimes...oh, no-that PTSD monster has to smack me back into line. And that's the thing I hate the most about PTSD. I can't just be a regular person anymore.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I know exactly what you are talking about. To want to do things like regular people do and enjoy doing it would be nice. Sometimes I feel like a freak because of what my mind does to my body just cuz I want to do something "different".

Mom and i were talking the other day and she said she thought I was "over all that stuff". So, another explanation about how I was not fixed, just educated on how to handle "all that stuff".

And why does "this stuff" exhaust us so much? An attack of anxiety or panic can literally put us to bed for days. Why? Why? Why???? That's what I hate the most about ptsd.

 

[TLight]

Yes girls, I just went through this the other day and tried desparately to explain it to my husband.

I moved my horse to a new barn and everyone there seems to have a 'ritual' of sitting out by the RV and campfire having a few drinks and hanging all the time. Well, we stayed for over two hours on delivery day! Then the next day I went out by myself, he dropped me off. I was like, "OK, so pick me up at a reasonable time span"....well, he didn't. Sat a talked with an older gal for almost the same time length and one other joined in. Dissociation city man.....I'm a little better if I can interrupt the connection every twenty minutes or so with a task not involving anyone...but it was tough. And touching my chair, grounding myself with all my tools, I mean I tried everything not to leave the planet. I'm so glad I had sunglasses on the whole time. What people must think about my eyes or when I respond to their conversation with, "oh yeah' a million or so times cause I'm just not 'there.'

Needless to say, haven't had a decent nights sleep for three nights now. FEAR> I don't freakin know....I'm just a freak. Anything approaching 'family,' human closeness, intimacy even just being friends........well, I can 'pull it off,' but I suffer for days on end and hate the thought of returning and having to go through it over again.

Scott was trying to 'rationalize,' 'well, if you take a klonopin before you go, then it will change those brain circuits eventually, right?" amoung other 'ideas' he had to solve this problem. So hard to explain to people what this living nightmare is like. Coping, just coping all the time. Sometimes pretty good, sometimes pretty bad. Can't wait for the eventual, "so what do you do Terri?" Oh, I'm on disabilty cause I have a mental illness...yeah right. Then the having to lie part becomes a requirement of safety. No one who doesn't deal with this could ever possibly 'get it.'

Freaking sucks man.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hate most the meltdowns, how it is burdensome on others and comlicates my life. I hate the intrusive thoughts, SI, and inability to not be reminded of it, at some level almost-always. I hate the mistrust, second guessing, over-feeling, over-experiencing, past re-living, unexpectedness of triggers and being knocked flat, feeling like I'm in a prison, the lack of safety, the exhaustion and the painfulness. I hate every aspect of it, actually. So I guess I hate (most) how I feel, or how it affects how I feel. And how it affects my life and also therefore others around me.

 

[amethist]

I hate that PTSD ruins lives and rips your soul apart.

 

[broken_one]

I hate that I have to act like I'm ok when I'm out in the real world, and then I completely fall apart when I get home. I'm a wreck and I'm tired of acting like I'm not. I can't even go to the grocery store alone for pete's sake. Some days I wish there was PTSD rehab and I could go check myself in and be around people who understand what it's like to have PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. Nothing gives me joy. I'm in a drug-induced state of suspension. I feel nothing.

I could go on. . .

Marlene, I totally get you. <3

 

[Sammy]

I hate feeling so disconnected from everything. I can go through the motions, most of the time. But, any kind of real, emotional connection, just can't do it. I panic, I hide, I disconnect. Even writing this I can feel my eyes becoming "fuzzy," breathing shallow, hands starting to shake. I simply cannot allow myself to believe I have friends, I matter, I am loved or it is safe for me to love. Are you kidding? Trust someone and I can guarantee once they figure out who I "really" am, they are gone. I go days without a single conversation - feeling lonely, wishing someone cared enough to communicate with me but if the phone should happen to ring, I send it to voice mail. I hate feeling scared and alone. All the time. I don't even know what I am scared of! Well, I do - being homeless, being completely abandoned by my husband of 20+ years who has already planned his life without me, never meaning anything to anyone. I hate that there seems to be no one who "gets it." Who can understand the battle that I daily wage just to function on any level. I need to work, scared silly I might actually get offered a job. (Not likely anyway). The last 2 jobs I had lasted 2 months each before I completely melted down. I hate feeling like such a failure and waste of human space.

 

[broken_one]

I hate feeling like such a failure and waste of human space.

Dearest Sammy, I can relate but I can assure you are neither a failure or a waste of human space. I'm so sad that trauma does that to us. I too feel worthless most of the time, and then the way others treat us because the do not understand us just perpetuates the feelings of worthlessness.

Knowing and understanding,
Broken

 

[jeeps for now]

There was never any end of it all for me either, and there's always so many examples that I honestly wonder why THEY don't get it. Doctors get to me, for example. I need to find a new one because my first doc left the hospital. I can already imagine going in attempting to describe my anxiety he doesn't see ( I mask it well and it manifests itself in other ways). As soon as he says "I don't see it", I feel like going into some kind of theatrical hysterics, only to hear him say "now you're acting childish......DUH

 

[Deleted member 10425]

I hate most the meltdowns, how it is burdensome on others and comlicates my life. I hate the intrusive thoughts, SI, and inability to not be reminded of it, at some level almost-always. I hate the mistrust, second guessing, over-feeling, over-experiencing, past re-living, unexpectedness of triggers and being knocked flat, feeling like I'm in a prison, the lack of safety, the exhaustion and the painfulness. I hate every aspect of it, actually. So I guess I hate (most) how I feel, or how it affects how I feel. And how it affects my life and also therefore others around me.

I swear you could be in my head right now and saying exactly what I hate the most!! I hate being a burden to my family! I hate that I never know if what I am feeling is normal. I hate that I was abused and I hate, hate, hate that it has hurt my children. That they have virtually had to be the caregiver for most of their lives. I hate it.

I can relate!!

 

[Jestadud]

I hate the uncertainty as to whether it is Ptsd or normal ,and not knowing the difference.

 

[CherylLyn]

UGH!!! Grinding my teeth, never feeling like i have enought sleep even if I sleep like a rock and my psoriasis!