What Is Best To Say To A PTSD Sufferer?

[missy8888]

Thankyou missy
I really wasnt fishing..

I started to re- read just now and sat and looked at your post...it felt nice to think....saying it outloud to myself....and then its gone snatched away I start to think no...Im self absorbed and selfish and I am not worth spit... I deserved everything that has happened to me...you get the idea...the viscious circle.

I dont know what it takes to be able to believe the good stuff.

Fin, your welcome. and i know you wern't fishing.. I know you don't know what it takes to beleive the good stuff.... BUT IT'S THERE IN YOU....wether or not you can see/feel it when you look in the mirror..
Big Hug :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Tinyflame]

Perhaps (we can) just start by NOT believing the bad stuff.

 

[Kunoichi]

June,

I like that idea!

 

[Auroch]

I'm not sure theres any one thing - but you can't go wrong with "I'm listening if you ever want to talk". It has won me over in the past.

 

[yogi]

I am a carer--are there any male sufferers that would like to tell us what to say to them? I find the females want verbral communication about the carer being there for them, loving them, etc; I wonder if the male sufferers want the same things or do they want it communicated differently? (e.g. showing you care by actions.)
Thanks

 

[LovinHim]

As a carer, I often find myself reading the thread titled "What Never to Say to a PTSD Sufferer." After reading so many comments that retraumatize and fill a sufferer with rage, I feel like nothing a carer does or says will be effective.

So, I'd like to ask this: What would you suggest we carers say? What have been your most comforting, effective, and positive comments? What can we say that will not hurt feelings or cause more problems?

After reading so many "what not to do's," I need someone to tell me what to do. I'd like to be a better carer. :smile:

As one with PTSD and one who is a carer of some1 else with PTSD I can tell you that your inquiry is a difficult one to answer. One answer was "I'll never leave you." I think that's the best one that I've heard yet. Probably any ptsd sufferer is going to have a hard time believing you b/c it's hard to trust any1. You don't want to say it too much and you don't want to rarely say it. Something as simple as "forever n ever babe" should do the trick just fine.

 

[Auroch]

I don't want to speak for others, but I don't think we are interested in the same sort of verbal assurances (I am not, anyway). I have been lied to so many times in the past, I tend to brush off the verbal very easily. Showing me through actions that you are there and do care is typically going to be the best bet.

My wife has been dealing with my PTSD for almost 7 years now, and over that course of time she has come up with some pretty solid methods for letting me know she is there and that she loves me - without stating it directly when I am either flashing back or just in a bad way. She has gotten pretty good at recognizing what she calls mood shifts, and responding accordingly. Depending on where we are or what we are doing, she will go out of her way to do a small kindness for me, to let me know she is thinking about me without belaboring me with it.

The other day I was on the couch, completely "zoned out" with my jaw clenched. She noticed what I was doing, and instead of poking at me or telling me she loved me, she showed me by getting me a blanket and making me a cup of tea. These kinds of actions have a pretty profound effect on me, and speak to me much louder than any kind of verbal assurance. I would say maybe as much as 8 out of 10 times, it will actually bring me out of it a little bit.

So, yes actually, showing you care by actions works pretty well for me, anyway.

 

[becvan]

I really think this should be something discussed between each individual and carer. Generalizations are a good way to have a good intention backfire.

Personally, don't say anything. Action speaks way louder than words. If you have to say something, it had better be backed up by action and by god, it better be the truth.

I do not want to be comforted, pitied, have someone try to save me, make it better or even be empathetic. Really I want to be left alone when struggling.

bec

 

[April]

I have a boyfriend who has PTSD and I've learnt about it a few weeks ago.
So help me, what am I supposed to do when he was talking about his nightmares, his past??? What's the right thing to tell supporting him?

 

[Carolina]

Thanks for this thread. I was worried I was not saying the right things and I wasn't good enough to handle this. Now I realize how much I've gotten right, even if my BF has trouble believing my words. I'll keep saying them and act on them.

I cannot express how much this thread has alleviated the imposing weight that was sitting on my shoulders for the past year. Keep it going, please :)

 

[cat]

........a hug, although I am very touch sensitive a hug says 'I'm here for you, I won't let you fall apart'

Also just showing you care without a barrage of questions or long dialogue. Just I'm here if you want to talk means so much. My neighbour is great at saying 'got time for a coffee' when she hasn't seen me for a few days & knows that I've been in hermit mode. She never asks how I am just lets me know in small ways that she's there when I need her.

 

[anon222]

These are the things I would love to hear from others:

1. "I don't know what PTSD is. Can you help me understand it so that I can understand how to help you?"

2. "What do you need right now?"

3. "What do you need from me right now?"

4. "What can I do to help?"

5. "What would make you feel safe right now?"

6. "Tell me if I say the wrong thing, because I really want to help you." This shows openness and helps the sufferer feel less afraid to let you know when you're saying things that make it worse.

7. "Would it help if I ...(fill in the blank)

8. Accept how they feel and don't argue with them and tell them they should feel a different way.

9. Share your own experiences but in a way that shows empathy. Acknowledge that you realize that even if you've both gone through something similar, that the PTSD person has different challenges and needs to get through it differently. Don't share experiences if your only goal is to tell the PTSD sufferer how you got through it and insist that they need to do exactly what you did and they'll get through it, too.

10. "Do you feel like getting out today?" instead of "You need to get out and go do something"

11. Use active listening skills. Repeat what they've told you, such as, "What I hear you telling me is that you feel...." This helps us feel understood and listened to.

12. Accept their triggers and respect them. For instance, a particular type of music is a trigger for me and a friend kept arguing with me that I used to like that music and there's no reason for me not to like it now and that I'm "letting this person" take something important from me. Triggers may not seem rational to someone who's never experienced them. If you suggest an activity and the PTSD person says, no, that will upset me, don't argue with them about it. Simply ask, "Is there an activity we can do that feels safe and enjoyable to you?" And even if that activity isn't your cup of tea, be a friend and go do it with him/her.

Basically, the most helpful sentences for me start with "How can I", "What can I", "What do you need" "Would it help if... ", "How do you feel today?", "Would you like...", "Do you want to", "Can I", "May I"

After a trauma, it's hard to feel like you are in control because usually a circumstance has happened that was out of your control or someone exerted control over you, leaving you feeling unsafe.

That's why the most harmful sentences for me are ones that start with "You need to" ,"You should" ,"You shouldn't","You have to" "Here's what you need to do" etc., because it just feels like one more person trying to control me and take over my life, and make decisions for me.

If I tell someone I can't even get the dishes done or feed myself, I'd rather someone say "Would it help if I came over and did the dishes and brought you dinner?" instead of "I'm coming over to do your dishes and make you eat something." Give the person a choice. Give them the option to accept your help instead of having help forced on them. It's so important for us (at least for me) to get our sense of control back, and choice is a big part of that.