ok here is my "second chance". I am thinking of how I want to put my new apartment together, decorate, and play with new ideas, new colors, and new materials. I am looking forward to being able to have some plants near the east-facing windows that get the morning sun. I am wondering how I am gonna put that display of plants together.
I wish I had better words to explain it, but it occurred to me I don't have to tell the truth, I can be rude, or phony, or untrusting, or be repulsed, or walk away, etc etc, or actually not care what anyone else thinks or feels, if I choose. Esp if they have been or are dishonest, or rude or phony, etc. Idk why I never thought of that? Somehow, I just felt badly, instead of returning the same. It sounds silly, but actually everyone else does it so I think it's just 'normal'. And like everyone else. I've done it before, like work mode, don't see a big difference. Why tell the truth, or care at all, or be genuine? Esp if it's not important. Or if someone's rude, why am I polite, etc? I don't want to add negativity, but I don't care what they think of me, either, even less so because they've shown what they think. Or, why be kind to unkind people, or be honest with dishonest ones? It doesn't make sense.
I was thinking doing some wrapping (yay, almost done!), for many of us, and many people in general, it can be very hard to get done ~regular things. I know I have many faults, but I was thinking I can't see the tag, my fingers have a lot of arthritis, I don't have too much but I try to give, and it is fun to do, even if it's hard and I wrap like a guy, no Martha Stewart here. Even the shopping part is the worst, or getting the energy, or dealing with intrusive thoughts. So it actually is a gift, in a way, that comes from more than what people have that can just afford to do it with ease. It actually makes me feel happy to try (to do it), or maybe so to accomplish it, ~sort of. Hopefully the gifts are ok though, because you never know. Anyway, I always liked that, even when they offered free wrapping, nope, I was good, told them I liked it (the upside of crazy ).
So on my mind is, I have 3 gifts to get; I have to get out tomorrow before work; I hope too I can sleep, and my shoulders are out.
I feel sad, person I knew (not that old) died out of the blue, just saw her before the weekend. She had Alzheimers and didn't get along with many, but we got along from the start like a house on fire. I met her when I stopped and went in and complimeted her playing You are my Sunshine. She told me she played it every night for her H who had died, as it was his favorite and maybe he could/ would hear it. No one knew that, that I know of.
I was going to write to write here and say I needed de-briefing after going out shopping- worse than post traumas, honest to God. The people around me were getting in to physical fights, theft everywhere , tow trucks, heavy traffic (of course), noise, I was freezing and I'm aching, AND forgot Tylenol, I'd have 4-6 by now. I ran in to an issue due to my exhaustion, and had to swap out and go to a place I am creeped out by: 25 years ago whhen my mom died (pretty young)the funeral director (a nice young guy) asked 3 times if we wanted her buried with her wedding rings. My sister finally said, `'With 4 dtrs, she'd think that was nuts, of course we're not burying her with her rings!" And maybe a year later- the funeral place turned in to a jewellery store! (I'm sorry, being 1/2 Irish that just creeps me out). But they offered (I thought) what I needed for 2 items (one is an adjustment to an heirloom of sorts), I get there, it's totally creepy (women wearing sparkly masks, totally phony. Never mind, I think, need N95's at this point frankly, if they weren't so painful when you have high cheekbones!)), it says "Jewellery to mark milestones" (!). Anyway, they couldn't guarantee they wouldn't harm an item I brought, said "N.I.C.E!!!!" . I mentioned it was previously arranged with someone else, they ask who and said they knew him (he's been the opposite, and charges 1/4 the price). So I say very politely, because clerks are pressured, (in other words), thank you, forget it. She's says, 'Be careful when you cross the street" (?) I say, "Oh, I'm not crossing the street". She says, "Where are you going?" I said, "To (the mall name) to shop!" I e-mail the good guy a few hours later to say I'm sorry but there's no way I can pick it up tomorrow and then they are closed 2 weeks, which is why I idn't bring it, but thank you so much as he's been so patient with my exhaustion. He mails back Please phone me right away, I do, he's arranged the jeweller I need to come in tomorrow and he is going to bring it in personally for me friday when I am off although he's closed!
And I got an iten for 2 people I have looked EVERYWHERE for, just small but no where to be found . And the sweetest clerk AND only 2 left, one for each person.
AND thanks to 2 people especially unless it changes I got what I wanted/ needed for Christmas already, for my heart and peace, and strength. So thankful.
PLUS, I'm not sure for certain yet because I couldn't really listen, but I can/will go back, heard something like, ~"tomorrow will be better, and tomorrow and tomorrow". Which I REALLY needed.
AND I dare not hope but pup is way more bright-eyed and bushy tailed , and could walk a bit better on front legs, with this 1st injection. And only a bit impacted negatively until late morning.
Wow. Realllly Really Really Really grateful!!!! For all these! -> . Even if it's blowing snow tomorrow!
I had to look back and not 3 days ago I said, " Now I’m going to let myself feel it (the good news) is ‘true’ (not too-good-to-be-true) and be happy!" I wonder if I was born an ignorant fool, or just became one? What a f*ckn sh*tty day. My chest is still sore.
Something occurred to me the other day, seeing a picture, when someone changes how they look markedly, or perhaps wants to, maybe it is alligned with being someone else, too, +/or reflects they are fundamentally a different person, or want to leave who/ how they are behind? That, and no wonder I don't recognize them, no one would/ could. So I don't/ didn't feel as badly that it causes me fear and there is not much that equates to safety, anymore. Didn't blame myself entirely, for once. A stranger now.
Philip K Dick, the science fiction writer who wrote things like Minority Report and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (which became the movie Blade Runner). I picked up a biography of him, since he's a mentally ill writer too, and it's fascinating. It helps me to learn about people like him, because it helps me feel less alone, and also better about how much better I'm doing than maybe I think I am.