What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

[Lionheart]

Christmas. The extended family has the flu and I don't want to go to the shelter for dinner this year as they are full up with people. I will probably stay home and thank my lucky stars that I am not suffering from the flu.

 

[Rani G2]

I'm loosing my ability to think linear...
Something triggered me yesterday.... Traallalaaaaa I'm back in the :I didnt fight back/I'm weak/I have fear so I'm weak/I should maybe make the enemy like me/

I've worked hard on these issues-----atleast this is what I think when I'm stable... and then here again I start at 0. There is no rope for me to hold on to, No hope... it feels. F* this living...I want isolation

 

[VioletButterfly]

Some idiot across the way has been drilling screws into metal sheeting (at least it sounds like it) for 2 1/2 hours! Really!!! ? I'm thinking I'm not happy about this in any way and I'd like to go tell him/her about it. Yeh, that'll be the day. Oh well... up goes the music. ?

 

[Tinyflame]

After what was otherwise a pretty lovely but (and) very busy day, where I also tried very hard to meet the needs of others (at work, I normally do), and despite being thanked by them and their families & complimented profusely (which is nice, but not even necessary), after a lovely short discussion with one male scheduler where I indicated I needed more assistance, his female coworker then called me & threatened implicitly to report me to my Boss. (This was in response to her error of cancelling a staff & now being short staffed). As she did this about something else to a different co-worker already, & I had asked them how they responded, I gave the same response: "Ok". Needless to say, this already recently followed her assigning a 20 minute call for 5 minutes daily (& people tell me I already accomplish in 15 minutes what takes most 1 hour).

So here I sit, on Christmas Day (officially), thinking about a job I can't stand, waiting for a Boss's call when they return friday, the fact that working it is like dealing with people who take pleasure in causing pain and grief, with a body already held together with gum & well wishes, & feeling like someone kicked me between the shoulders with a steel-toed boot (seriously. But I am at my limit of Tylenol for the day, & it never really sufficiently kicked in). But it is Christmas, & there's something so inherently wrong to me, that that should occupy my mind, or others should lack good will or cooperation. Though I don't think the scheduler likely celebrates Christmas, simply I'm guessing because of her nationality/ likely cultural beliefs. But I had still wished her a good break. :(

Somewhere I can remember feeling like this, a type of regret: At least once while I was a kid/ teen baby-sitting a 'difficult' (he was great) neighbours child/ children on New Year's eve, one of the few years my dad could get home at least post Christmas, & waving from the window (too conscientious to leave), & the people getting home very late, 3:30 or 4 a.m., and never sleeping, and the pay was lousy, and they were great people but drunk and no tip, laughing their heads off, & I thought I'll never do this again under the same circumstances, and my dad was dead a few months later.

But most of all, I don't understand how people take pleasure in being harmful/ damaging to others. Or maybe I don't understand how people have the resilience to not be bothered by people who do, and can separate the 1/100 or 1/1000 who do that from the others who are the opposite. But it seems to me, it's always the '1' who also is in the position of power, or power to cause grief or lasting harm.

Idk. It's Christmas. :( Surely this shouldn't be the focus when I give blood, sweat and tears. It's like an analogy of generating millions when 10 thousand is required, but having to live and defend every day the spending of a nickel. It's a horrible environment to work in. On the upside I got a 20$ bottle of Gaviscon, which I notice I mostly only need in relation to them. Like someone close to me today had to deal with them, and next thing also needed Gaviscon and 2 aspirins to chew. Something is fundamentally wrong with such a way of treating people. Though, who's fault is it to stay? And where or how do people get the energy, where-with-all, and opportunity to break away from toxic stress or stressful people? I doubt she'll think about it again, but I will have the repercussions.

 

[Rani G2]

Its hurtful to see that most people just dont give a sh*. They wont ask you how you are Doing for months and months.... They might pretend they like you when they see you... I mean whats this BS? I have asked multiple times in the past and I wont anymore...I'm done with this whole Blah sh*. I have cut them all off...go f* yourself

 

[DharmaGirl]

That I am lucky to have my morning fire and two wonderful dogs. My wonderful son, my homestead and I new 3D friend who is a lot like me in that she needs rest in the afternoon after working too hard in the morning. I am really feeling lucky.

 

[VioletButterfly]

After what was otherwise a pretty lovely but (and) very busy day, where I also tried very hard to meet the needs of others (at work, I normally do), and despite being thanked by them and their families & complimented profusely (which is nice, but not even necessary), after a lovely short discussion with one male scheduler where I indicated I needed more assistance, his female coworker then called me & threatened implicitly to report me to my Boss. (This was in response to her error of cancelling a staff & now being short staffed). As she did this about something else to a different co-worker already, & I had asked them how they responded, I gave the same response: "Ok". Needless to say, this already recently followed her assigning a 20 minute call for 5 minutes daily (& people tell me I already accomplish in 15 minutes what takes most 1 hour).

So here I sit, on Christmas Day (officially), thinking about a job I can't stand, waiting for a Boss's call when they return friday, the fact that working it is like dealing with people who take pleasure in causing pain and grief, with a body already held together with gum & well wishes, & feeling like someone kicked me between the shoulders with a steel-toed boot (seriously. But I am at my limit of Tylenol for the day, & it never really sufficiently kicked in). But it is Christmas, & there's something so inherently wrong to me, that that should occupy my mind, or others should lack good will or cooperation. Though I don't think the scheduler likely celebrates Christmas, simply I'm guessing because of her nationality/ likely cultural beliefs. But I had still wished her a good break. :(

Somewhere I can remember feeling like this, a type of regret: At least once while I was a kid/ teen baby-sitting a 'difficult' (he was great) neighbours child/ children on New Year's eve, one of the few years my dad could get home at least post Christmas, & waving from the window (too conscientious to leave), & the people getting home very late, 3:30 or 4 a.m., and never sleeping, and the pay was lousy, and they were great people but drunk and no tip, laughing their heads off, & I thought I'll never do this again under the same circumstances, and my dad was dead a few months later.

But most of all, I don't understand how people take pleasure in being harmful/ damaging to others. Or maybe I don't understand how people have the resilience to not be bothered by people who do, and can separate the 1/100 or 1/1000 who do that from the others who are the opposite. But it seems to me, it's always the '1' who also is in the position of power, or power to cause grief or lasting harm.

Idk. It's Christmas. :( Surely this shouldn't be the focus when I give blood, sweat and tears. It's like an analogy of generating millions when 10 thousand is required, but having to live and defend every day the spending of a nickel. It's a horrible environment to work in. On the upside I got a 20$ bottle of Gaviscon, which I notice I mostly only need in relation to them. Like someone close to me today had to deal with them, and next thing also needed Gaviscon and 2 aspirins to chew. Something is fundamentally wrong with such a way of treating people. Though, who's fault is it to stay? And where or how do people get the energy, where-with-all, and opportunity to break away from toxic stress or stressful people? I doubt she'll think about it again, but I will have the repercussions.

I read this really early this morning as I was just waking up and you've stayed on my heart. I'm so sorry your day is going this route. I'm sending many heart hugs and lots of ???? for who and how you are in the world despite how others behave and treat you. Keep staying the course and be kind to yourself, you're worth it. Sending strength and compassion as well. VB ?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @VioletButterfly , :hug: 's to you, for your kindness too.
( ' ? ') is sweet for you. :hug:

Looked through some job postings earlier, useless.
Neighbours got cops over right at this moment, DomDispute, dtr this time.
Was in coffee shop saturday a.m. with one between parents, threw me off all day.
Heard someone got hurt that helped me with a few words of advice/ support about violence, many years ago. The same night I was trying to avoid someone I knew a little, therefore talked to them.
Come a very long road since then.
Talked to relative out of town, went so-so with one, shunned by other.
Can't bring myself to open presents.

ETA, I guess the above was when I was hiding out, a lot.
I forgot today to trust, or forget fear.

 

[Ellabella44]

Woke up durring the night. Somehow my thought upon waking was of someone doing a photo project about childhood abuse survivors but the pictures were of the stuffed animal the person slept with being hugged by the person the picture was about. No people's faces, just hugged and well loved stuffed animals being hugged. Only information with the picture was the persons initials, age, and the mental problems ( ptsd, anxiety, depression and co morbid)

 

[Lionheart]

I am thinking of my mom and sister. They sure were a big part of my life. I never realized just how much until they were gone.

 

[Tinyflame]

Either thinking of too much, or nothing at all, can't really figure out which.

 

[Rani G2]

Watch thy mind:

Sunday Info : „Every colleague sick!“

Consequences: 11 Hrs shift—20 Patiens—Blood work and Administration

Post apocalyptic mind sings the song of :What if.... What if ... What if

>>>>>>>>>>Bring that nervoussystem in order>>>>>>.