Well, I finally cracked the code I think and figured out why part of church always escaped me: apparently people (supposedly) have some connotation to going there to pray for themselves, +/or chock up ~heavenly points (sorry, can't find words today). Well, can't recall asking for myself for over 30 years (other thsan prayers of desperation), and of course far as I'm concerned it 'is' for myself if I want something for someone else, which I think is accurate to say (much like tears of grief are selfish). Far as points go, never thought of it that way. Not because I'm particularly virtuous, more the hopeless- helpless fact; not asking for something impossible. Like forgiveness: I'm not particularly forgiving, I just have a bad memory and limited energy. Like my sister told my mom, she didn't go because it was full of hypocrites. My mom said there's always room for one more. Not to mention, I don't want eternal 'life', quite satisfied if it ends here, horrible thought it doesn't. And so-called 'virtues' seem to be basic humane treatment of others. So really, I've never strived for, been properly thankful for, nor want or view it like these people do. And I don't belong.