I am so sorry Rosebud that you are feeling so bad. I do know what that feels like to feel totally abandon.
Your words reminded me of my thoughts on God. Growing up, Santa or the Easter Bunny or tooth fairy never came to our house. We weren't very churchy but my cousins were and told me God would punish us if we said a bad word and that we should praise God. When I finally accepted there was no Santa, I put God in the same category. I spent my life being pretty agnostic.
In the past year, I have been the most quiet in my life. Little of doing anything. I am beginning to think that God has been with me and watched out for me or things would be much worse. I dont have a lot of confidence in people in general. Sorry, think Im just rambling
Please don't apologize @brat17 for your kind words, I appreciate what you've revealed, & it is helpful. Thank you.
No need to be sad for me. I think it takes time to metabolize things for me. In retrospect, I would have said, "were the words not meant, did I really matter that little?" But, you know, if you have to ask that question it's rhetorical, you have your answer. Quite the burden I think, too. Which is like a replay from childhood, when will I ever learn? I sure wish I had avoided repeating it. I didn't respect my own intellect and life lessons, so am left with hurt and shame. Idk about God. Maybe you're right, that all there is to hope for is that it isn't worse, which it can always be, as sometimes we've known and sometimes we've been spared. That I understand implicitly.
Rosebud, yes. Why does life just come easy for some early in life-and I know many.
When I look in the mirror, all I see is a tense person. If I cant fool myself, Im sure not fooling others. Its a face of great stress. It crunches up.
Even though I am not at the very moment. Life has been hard and it shows. Im so tired. Does the stress of it all ever go away?
I guess those who laugh sponatiously are those without ptsd, I dont know.
Im just tired. And when I wake up, Im still tired.
Hard to separate my normal and the covid fatigue. Yet I want to connect. I am sensitive. I care how you are. I understand how you dont trust, but I really do care. Of course it scares me to care in real life because I have been burned so many times. I guess it is on me, who I chose as friends. I guess I like colorful people, and thats not the safest. One friend got mad at me because I would not take her to the city for an elective surgery during covid (breast implants). I felt it too risky. Yet I second guess myself. While I know that is really her problem, I take it on a bit.
Friends like this are not worth having. I have taken her for procedures before and brought her food after and taken care of.
Oh how I wish we were not so hard on ourselves. Are there any good people out there? I asked a neighbor to give me a jump when my car batter was dead, then he tried to jump be. Truth be told, a bit of a rape occurred. This was several years ago. I make excuses for others but not for myself. Its like a curse. Im not delusional or anything, but sometimes when Im watching the news, I wonder if Im really alive or if this is hell.
Since covid, I feel like I am abusing alcohol. Every couple days I am drinking something. Use to be that nights were lonely when my husband went to the office. Now he works at home so I sleep until 2-3 pm. I dont want to get up because with covid-days are lonely. I guess what I am trying to say is that now with covid, nothing is right...normal....usual for us.
Barbiturates... named for a waitress in a Munich tavern named Barbara, who supplied the piss for the apple & urine concoction Adolf Bayer was experimenting with (Uric acid + malic acid = barbiturates).
Unfortunately I loose mind when I get verbally attacked (Which happens very rarely)..I’m not East Asian but I feel there is aggression is in the air. If someone is ever ever going to make racist comments I’m going to blast out.. I have been very aggressive in the train or supermarket. People should shut their m**** mouth. Don’t ever ever think you can come over and just think I won’t react. I think many people should know their place. Dumb assholes.. f*** off . Idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!
Really, really happy & grateful, went bday shopping and had already called a short time ago to see if there were gift sets, said no. So expected to spend 100$, only to find gift set. BUT- then sales clerk took out 2/3 of the small samples, replaced them with large, and then there was a 60$ gift with it. Said saving of 60$, but with large sizes was approx additional 260$+! Which I am Very thankful for as on a budget, and person really deserves it, and hadn't been able to force myself to go shopping til now. Which also I might not have accomplished as contemplated cancelling what I had to do, and thought also maybe just give $. Which I can still do as managed to get most everything else done too. Plus had whole sale done in 5 minutes!