What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

[Captain Barnacles]

What if I'm wrong about Cake Girl? What if she's just friendly and maybe a bit weird or just doesn't see things the same way because of cultural differences? She's not from here, after all.

Can I survive the hurt of being rejected by someone to whom I've become so attached?

Probably not.

Also, that buzz from my phone was not what I'd hoped; so why hasn't my bestie answered my messages since lunchtime? Is she sleeping? Busy? Out having a good time? Or is she dead? Perhaps even by her own hand? She's in almost as bad a mental state as I am.

I'm becoming quietly frantic in a way perfected through years of hiding poor mental health; outward calm, inward catastrophe.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Seems like feeling good yesterday -regardless as to why you felt good- actually let you get some shit done. It seems like MORE of that would be better, rather than beating yourself up about it.

That is both right and not. On one hand allowing myself to plan further than 3 days, and to also do some necessary self care like yoga after being depressed for long- all very necessary. But also there are more immediate worries to face and I spend a day not thinking about them thinking I had at least a bit more time.
I'm not quick on my feet, I panic if unprepared and the less time the more I panick leaving me frozen many times.

That's why I'm afraid of letting myself have days like yesterday. That and constantly being reminded that this is a luxury and if I allow myself such things I'll starve one day. So although I realise that I need to do self care for my mental heath on my own, and plan for a future if I don't want to be stuck in my current predicament- if I'm constantly told something that's opposite I start to question myself.

But when it comes to larger picture yesterday may have been needed, thanks for the reminder.
Besides, systematically postponing what I need maybe why I end up needing a whole day or few so I Don't explode, rather than consistently giving myself a big each day. I'll try to relax a bit.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

And... I was not wrong. Pushing my feelings down never worked for me. I ended up writing out how I actually feel and have felt for weeks. I wrote for 90 min. And then when I finally know I need to talk to my mother about how certain things function at home, suddenly I blew up.

I mean it wasn't fair either. I got nagged on about doing things I used to do in the past which they disapprove of- but have been very careful ever since I arrived to do things their way. It's cost me a lot of turmoil and stress but I tried to respect their way and the fact that it wasn't even noticed was just the cherry on top. And I blew up. I have such a short fuse with everything going on it was just enough.

I really need to leave some time for deep self care because otherwise blowing up is emotionally exhausting. And then work or applications suffer.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Eventually, after a while, you just regroup and take another step forward. That's life.

 

[Captain Barnacles]

I'm thinking about Cake Girl. Because of course I am.

I'm worried that I'm actually a crazy stalker.

I was messaging her last week around midnight. She works nights and I asked her to check in my office for my misplaced pipe. She did and it wasn't there...but I'm worried that she may have seen the photo of her, my best friend and me that I have pinned on my office wall and how she'll react to that.

I get the impression that she thinks my BFF and I are an item and always becomes rather short with me when I mention her.

At least I'm just stressed about being an overgrown adolescent, I suppose? I mean, it could be worse, right?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm such a fool. To think for a second my ex actually was going to agree helping me now. I asked him for something as I'm struggling with life currently and he said we'll discuss it in the evening. Evening comes and he now says that we agreed I can't rely on him like this anymore. Then what did we need to discuss if you just want to inform me I can't rely on you? I mean that is fair answer, but I just wish he told me straight up.

Also not sure how I'll manage now.

 

[BurningRose]

...mine is my therapy session tomorrow... I almost don't wanna go.

My best friend of 25 months and I had a huge blow up. I think our friendship might be over.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am tired of gray.

 

[Captain Barnacles]

How quickly my mood turned around tonight because of a heartfelt smile and kind words from a certain person.

I tried to kill myself earlier this evening. I got distracted by the smell of smoke- a familiar smell from my time as a firefighter; not nice smoke from a chimney or campfire, but the chemical reek that comes from a house fire.

I ended up driving around looking for the source of it in case anyone was in trouble (I could always kill myself later, after all) but found nothing.

After that...well, long story short, I went back to work to pick up some stuff I'd left and I won't bore you with the details, but I ran into my favourite colleague and I'm feeling pretty chipper this evening, following our short conversation at the station.

I love her and I'm happy to be alive.

 

[parrotthepolly]

It's November already. Time is passing too quick

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm so angry I want to cry. How is reminding me that life is unfair and I'm responsible for my parents AND myself while I can't even get an apartment yet is not helping me. I took more action finally when I wasn't being lectured. I also can't answer questions about bad days if I'm told specifically not to talk about my mental health. Choose one, you can't have both.

 

[Friday]

It's November already. Time is passing too quick

I declare it’s March. I’d be relatively okay if it were March. Of LAST year. If it were March of next year? Well, I’d probably feel like I do now. Like WTFO, how the hell is it March?!?