What The News Taught Me Today; Or, This Is Your Brain Post-combat...

[jackrabbit]

For those who haven't turned on a TV in the last 24 hours, the news today is all about an abduction that occurred in California. It is interesting because, unlike a lot of abductions, they believe they know who did it, they believe they know (loosely) where he's at, and they believe he is guilty of some heinous shit.

So I'm watching it during lunch, thinking all of the usual things I think when these stories are on the air, when one of the commentators mentions wanting to do incredible harm to the perpetrator. I nod in approval--because that's all I'm thinking about--say, "Amen, brother," then go back to eating my chicken. Then it hits me; killing the guy in slow and painful ways is all that's on my mind.

I mean, sure, in my abstracted fantasy of somehow crossing paths with this guy I would love for it all to end with my carrying the poor 16-year old girl out of that horror and back to her father--but that's not really my focus. What I'm really thinking about, what I want, is to punish that f*cker. To hurt him. To bleed him, to make him suffer, then to end his miserable life in a manner reserved for child-molesters, terror masterminds, and politicians.

If that's a 10, on a scale of 1 to 10 of my focus, then getting the girl back is a 7.
Vengeance is 10, saving life is 7.

That's f*cked up. That freaks me out.

In the old days, in my pre-burn-out days, those numbers would be reversed. Getting the girl back would have mattered much, much more. Now I care more--noticeably more--about punishing him for his sins than I care about trying to save what's left of her life.

That's really not good.

And this isn't the first time I've noticed this kind of thinking. More benignly, I have noticed that when someone's in an accident my instinct is to ask, "who's fault was it?" before I ask, "is everyone okay?"

I know I'm not slipping further down the rope. Me being here, me making progress is evidence in counter to that. But realizing how bad my brain is--especially when I thought I was over the worst of it--sucks.

Another day, another opportunity to see how broken my brain is.

Jack

 

[reddevil1111]

Part of the mind set. your delving into deeper parts than most. Most of us are dealing with the rage and anger brought on by daily life. I admire that you can get so introspective and really weed out the beast.

 

[anthony]

I get the same thoughts about such people, to be perfectly honest. I get such thoughts about people who simply piss me off too much... they don't have to be bad, but I also accept that what I want to do to them, I have the restraint nowadays to not do it because it will hurt others, hurt me by going to jail, hurt my wife by me going to jail, and the list goes on of the pain it will cause.

The thoughts piss me off though, nonetheless. They don't happen often, but they do happen. Same problem... saving the life of another comes down the list of my priorities compared to inflicting pain on the mother f*cker that has got me that angry to start with.

I agree... messed up thinking sucks. I like to think I could control myself long enough under the situation, to harm him, rescue the person needed, so my priorities are atleast more inline with what I know to be correct, then get back to the messed up way of hurting him again.

Military training really does a number on you, I must admit. When I looked at it from all angles after the fact, they really have put together the ultimate in behavioural modification at it simplest form. I'm sure they could be much more creative, and are, with special forces types, let alone us baggy arse entry level soldiers.

PTSD is just a weird weird thing to experience, and being a soldier first makes it all that more toxic for us, and possibly others. I'm often jealous of civilians who can feel things, who approach daily issues with logic and talking the issue out, not wanting to rip someone's head off and discard them, problem solved, apparently.

 

[jackrabbit]

Thanks, Red. That was actually...well, that was hugely helpful to hear. Your words really helped me, brother.
But I'm sorry you're still struggling with the rage. I was there for a long, long time.


Anthony: That's the truth.

And, FYI, I was one of those SF types.

Case in point, I told my wife about all this, talked to her about the realization, and she said, "you want to castrate him, huh?" I said, "No, you'd think that, but it's a common misconception. Castration is so traumatic that it almost immediately puts the subject into shock, which then diminishes any further impact you can have on them." I then said a bit more, but it's inappropriate for this forum.

Yup, they did a number on me alright.

But after reading your post I started asking myself an interesting question: Where's the balance?
What is the point where you'd have to choose one or the other, and which would you choose?

What I ultimately came to was:
He's gone to the corner store.
She's badly injured.
You can cas-evac her, or you can wait for him to get back, but you can't do both.
If you cas-evac, he'll get home, find her gone, and disappear before you--or anyone else--can get back.
If you fail to cas-evac, she doesn't make it.

I did, ultimately, realize I'd cas-evac, but the choice was not as happy as I'd like it to be.

 

[JarHed]

I get the same thoughts about such people, to be perfectly honest. I get such thoughts about people who simply piss me off too much... they don't have to be bad, but I also accept that what I want to do to them, I have the restraint nowadays to not do it because it will hurt others, hurt me by going to jail, hurt my wife by me going to jail, and the list goes on of the pain it will cause.

Gotta' agree with that as well. I really have no problem putting a hurt on someone, especially if I think they need it. Problem is that I know what will come next and that seems to keep me in line. Guess that's a good thing, probably more for those that would be on the receiving end than for me having to hold myself back.

Depression is anger turned inward.

 

[Jimmy1]

Sometimes I get these horrible thoughts in my head too. It's about the people in the world like that, that whether premeditated or not harm children or commit murder, any heinous crime. If there is no question of self defence involved they should be taken straight away and shot. Right there in the courthouse. I tell you what, if punishments like that were issued out, like people caught in the act stealing, off with a hand, right there in the courthouse, I reckon there would be a huge drop in crime and it would also free up some prison cells, save on tax payers dollars, fertilise the soil, and deter people from considering crime. It would also give some unemployed people around the world a job, burying the parts.

f*ck human rights. It's ok if it's a war.

 

[jackrabbit]

Depression is anger turned inward.

That statement is huge for me right now.
Thanks.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

This whole thing about using force against force is wild. In order to destroy an evil beast we became a beast. I remember something I once read about settling the western United States that claimed the only thing meaner than the bad guys were the good guys.

When the military trained us to kill and then proved the effectiveness of that training during combat they gave each one of us huge power. How we use that power determines who we are. If we mis-use it we become what we risked out lives to defeat.

We all walk a very fine line as we restrain what could be used in so many ways to our benefit at the cost of others. We are an easy step away from returning to what we once were. And, the temptation is huge. Any wonder why we struggle?

SD

 

[Fargo1]

A bit cliche, but there is a reason that cliches become cliches...

"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you."
—Friedrich Nietzche —

The questions that comes to my mind every day is, "Am I fighting a monster or am I the monster?"

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I don't want to beat this to death, but I think we're onto something here. I've asked myself countless times. "Am I a man or the Dragon, a husband or a killer, a father or a savage, and on and on.................. Fact is I'm all of the above and more. What part I play in any situation is my choice.

It sounds so simple until we factor in things like war, ambition, hate and of course PTSD. That said, I keep coming back to my absolute best plan, STAY IN THE MOMENT. Avoid the past cause it can't be changed. Just learn from it. Plan for the future, but stay flexable cause those plans will almost always change. Focus on the moment cause there I can make a difference.

SD

 

[jackrabbit]

I don't think you're beating it to death, SD. It's a really important point.

One of my favorite quotes on the subject has always been from the movie The Untouchables, where Eliot Ness says that he has broken every law he holds dear, but "I've become what I've beheld and I am content that I've done right."

I've done some horrible, horrible things to my fellow man. Things that I have never, and likely will never, even utter aloud.
In those moments it rarely occurred to me to do different, and even if it had I would have almost always made the same choices.

By any normal societal definition, by any normal social metric, I. Am. A. Monster.
Perhaps a necessary monster, perhaps a justified monster, perhaps a noble monster. But a monster.

That has been a huge part of my PTSD struggle. And, hell, maybe it still is. But, lately I've taken a great deal of solace in two facts.

Fact 1: Among the first games children play, on their own and with no guidance from society or their parents, is some form of war. They bash cars together, they bash dinosaurs together, they bash each other. We are, at heart and in our very nature, cruel and violent creatures. If we accept that as truth, then the presence of those capabilities can no longer be what we use as the definition of monster. Now it has to be something different.

Fact 2: I have never done such things without cause. And--by my reckoning--good cause, at that.

These things change my perception of me, and what it means to really be a monster.

It would be lovely if we lived in a world where we were all able to simply muzzle our instincts and live hand-in-hand with our fellow man. But that is not anything even remotely close to reality.

Reality is that, "We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm."

The difference between a slavering wolf in the night and a beloved guard dog is, more than anything else, whether or not you're a part of its pack.

 

[Fargo1]

Jackrabbit,

I used to have the same perception as you just wrote down, however, my therapist asked me to take a different perspective...

There is a huge difference between a warrior and a monster. A warrior is a person who trains from a young age to be skilled in combat, years of intense physical training, exposure to the elements, mental exhaustion, moments of fear burned into your memory. It is not for everyone but is needed my humanity. But it is a societal role that is disappearing in our culture.

Today (and probably the entirety of human history really) those who haven't felt the warrior's call, point fingers. Constantly looking to blame others for everything. "Look what he did to me."

Warriors don't get to choose the odds they face. Warriors don't choose the forces they face (strength and experience levels). So they are taught to be winners. Remember that no one ever won a fight by thinking they were defeated before the battle began...

Warriors are active personalities. Like garbage men, warriors have chosen to do the things that others find distasteful, unpleasant, and brutal.

Additionally there is biology. We are wired to survive. When it comes down to brass tacks, most humans will fight extremely hard to survive. When that time comes, our bodies are hardwired to pump all kinds of chemicals into our bodies to enhance this. Some of these chemicals feel GOOD. The fight came, we survived, our bodies tell us that this is a good thing...and it is!

One hundred years ago, being a soldier was an honorable profession (especially if you were an officer). It has always been the realm of killers, and brutes. Average people have feared seeing a band of men-in-arms roaming into their farmland. But for the last 50 years or so, a military profession has been marginalized in our society. It is seen as a place that people who are not smart enough to make it in "the real world," are un or under educated, etc... This mindset is even within us. It is constantly fed to us in media...

But something made us join the forces. It may have been because our fathers, and their fathers did it. It may have been money for more education...the reason doesn't really matter. What matters is that at some point in our lives we decided to fulfill the warrior role. We received the training, we served, we did the dirty deeds. We survived. And we feel good about it. This conflicts with societies view on the subject matter and this creates a conflict inside us — We felt good when doing the deeds — Society tells us that those deeds were dirty and wrong. Therefore we are monsters...