What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[Lisa]

"Well you might be better by then" (in 2 weeks)

"I have a daughter, and when you've got kids you just get on with it. Because you have to."

"Just do it."

"Your letter from your psychiatrist (stating chronic PTSD) will probably not apply by then" (in 2-3 months time, re: getting extenuating circumstances at uni).

Having told housemate I have PTSD and how it affects me, and that it means I can't watch horror movies (amongst other things), a week later she says "Have you seen the grudge?". Are you having a f-cking laugh? Is my problem so unimportant that you forget that quickly?

:mad::poke: very frustrated today!

 

[fin]

"...Are you having a f-cking laugh? Is my problem so unimportant that you forget that quickly? ..."




I wish I could say this to people sometimes Lisa, I really do. I know they would feel that I was being really offensive, funny how they just don't see that maybe they are being offensive with some of what they say.

And to try to say and explain how you feel; when someone is wanting to know what it is that they have said that has maybe "pissed you off", you can get told that you are over-reacting or hyper-sensitive or ...well, you get the idea. Catch 22

 

[Lisa]

And to try to say and explain how you feel; when someone is wanting to know what it is that they have said that has maybe "pissed you off", you can get told that you are over-reacting or hyper-sensitive or ...well, you get the idea. Catch 22

Hell yeah. Nobody believes a word of the 'mad' ones. It must be illness speaking if it doesn't fit with them. Grrr!

 

[Lisa]

1. Go to confession.

2. Aaron, you're ruining your life. You're making a lot of bad decisions, and your tone of voice is not respectful. STOP making bad decisions.

3. I don't have the time or energy to figure out your problems. And yes, I do love you. I'm giving you TOUGH LOVE because only you can figure out what the problem is.

4. We all go through difficult times. Chill out!

Argh I haven't even got further than this point without needing to reply in disgust at this and everything before it!

CONFESSION! No time or energy?! Try being us for a day!!! Chill out?! YOU'RE ruining your life?? :wall:

Some people seeeeeriously need a dose of reality. Sometimes when people say such things that are so blatently blaming, I wish I could spontaneously vomit on them. Sorry for the crudeness...just venting! lol

 

[heather q]

It was rape, why do they say it wasn't

"Don't be ridiculous- you can only get raped if they have a gun to your head."

A female co-worker who tried to demand information from me...

"Tell me what happened,"
shaking my head, I don't want to talk about it,

"Tell me what happened"
I don't want to talk about it,

"Did he have a gun on you?"
No
"Then it wasn't rape"

Why does this bother me so much? I get stuck here and can't think, I suppose it's re-traumatizing, that's what it feels like, what do I do with it now?

Heather

 

[isaley]

Personal favourite:
"At least it won't get any worse now."

Where's the guarantee?
Why can't people take responsibility for the things they allow themselves to say out loud?

And this one, in top 5 of ridiculous thoughts:
Conserning the agonizing wait for the prosecutor to set a date for court hearing...
"I promise you that your agony is nothing compared to what your rapist is going through right now. Just waiting for the court hearing is punishment enough for him."

...oh, ok, I feel so much less raped now...

 

[teejaye]

I once heard about a counselor telling a woman with PTSD that "Satan had a hold" of her because she was questioning her faith. She was able to laugh about it after talking about it with safe people, but it did absolutely nada for her faith.

 

[teejaye]

I also want to say that it defies reason how people feel they are experts when it comes to the sexual assault experienced by others. Suddenly they have all the answers: what constitutes rape, how rapists feel, how long it takes to recover. No one here asked me for my advice, but (here it comes) what I would like to say is this: The only person who knows the truth is YOU. And you deserve for others to recognize you as the one true expert in your situation ... the only witness who matters.
The insensitivity that people (Heather, Junebug, Isaley, and more) have experienced makes me feel so much righteous anger. Grrrr.
One helpful thing that I've heard people say is: "you weren't there, and your words show that this is a concept you aren't comfortable or knowledgeable about. Please let me be." A client of mine said this to a co-worker and I guess the co-worker went away and thought about it and then felt pretty bad. I also had a client talk to someone who "gets it" and that person confronted an ignorant friend who had been pestering the client. I myself am fond of saying, "Please believe me when I say that it's nothing personally against you, but if you continue talking that way I am going to completely lose it." For some reason, it works.

 

[Lisa]

I also want to say that it defies reason how people feel they are experts when it comes to the sexual assault experienced by others. Suddenly they have all the answers: what constitutes rape, how rapists feel, how long it takes to recover.

I completely agree. Whilst 'experts' have tools they can use to help, and they have knowledge and experience in what they've seen others come through... they will never be the expert on being you, or I, and living with what you, or I, live with.

"Please believe me when I say that it's nothing personally against you, but if you continue talking that way I am going to completely lose it." For some reason, it works.

Thank you for this... I will use that myself! I've never known how to deal with ignorant judgmental comments... it's always felt like you either get into an argument or discussion where you have to say "You have no idea, you are being judgemental" and then they are likely to protest or just apologise and it doesn't make me feel any better - because why should I have to justify myself? But simply closing them down and further communication down on the topic, this way sounds like it would help. hadn't thought of this before...

 

[fin]

That my feelings are in-valid, just because you don't think I should be feeling them doesn't mean that I am not, or that I shouldn't

 

[the racha]

This is a wonderful thread... thank you for starting it. Here are some real doozies that I have heard about my own abusive history (as a child), and that of others:

1. Well, did you (or anyone else abused) like it?
Me: Uuummm... have you ever had a cocktail of horror, shame, guilt, terror, bewilderment, and pain? and not understanding why your body was reacting how it was reacting? Oh, and i mean while you were floating outside of your body? Oh, you don't know what it's like to float outside of your body? Huh, i'd never guess.

2. Why don't you feel safe going to the grocery store? You shouldn't be so insecure.
Me: Gee, I don't know. I wasn't very safe in my own bedroom for a while... or anywhere, really. You mean no one's ever looked you directly in the eye as a child and told you that they were going to kill you and your entire family if you mentioned that they were doing with you what they wanted? Figures.

3. Why didn't you just say no?
Me:OMG I'd never thought of that! I mean don't most 7 year-olds tell adults "no" when the adult is telling them what to do and threatening their life?

4. Why didn't you tell me what was going on?
Me: That's rich! Let's see... well, there was that time I told my mom what was going on and she told one of my perpetrators off-- that is, before she allowed him to move in with us. Then there was the time that I told my grandmother and she caught me seeking out attention from my perpetrator and she beat me and said that I was the one trying to have sex with him. What was your question again?

 

[isaley]

Thank you Teejaye for your insightful words!

And Lisa, I agree with you...
I find myself debating my own life and experiences with people who come up with the best answers to questions I haven't even asked.

Why is it that people, thoughtlessly enough, hand out advice on what one should've done regarding cathastrophes that have already occured?
As if they every day, through conscious choices and actions, avoid being molested and abused as a child or raped or similar?

I usually feel very ashamed and embarrased from having to defend myself as soon as I open up.
Very few people react in constructive ways, in my experience...not even professionals.
I wish I can be a good support to others when they feel the courage to share their difficult stories.

The Racha, dear, I sympathize with you!
I hope my warm thoughts can ease the pain caused by all these terrible comments you have been subjected to, not to mention what you survived as a child!

Sincerely,
Isaley