Dom Violence What Worked For You - How Did You Deprogram Your Thinking?

[p-no]

What helped me were three things:

1. Therapy. I was in therapy for child abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, verbal) in the first few years of my marriage. I became self-confident and for once started
2. to listen to my then husband and take seriously what he said and
3. started to trust reality, trust that what I perceived was really, REALLY true.

That got me so damn scared that I decided to "fade out" instead of leave him "out of the blue". When I decided that, I was in no position (financially) to go anywhere. Then I started fading out... by discussing with him that I thought moving into a city (as opposed to the countryside where we were living) might be wise financially speaking. Looking back now, it was a bit like "Not Without My Daughter": play along, plan your escape thoroughly and then RUN. That's really saying too much, but I felt exactly like it at the time. It took me about two years from then to move. Oddly, once I had moved, the relationship got better. Long-distance was good. I was still a Christian. I believed I was married for better for worse... until death do us part. Then he did compartmental thinking to an extreme: lived two lives, quote "with you as my family and with X (affair) for the fun". By then I had gotten on my own two feet enough to just throw him out of my life once and for all. That was in 2009. In 2011, I think, we met one last time. That's when he said to me, quote "If God wants us to be together again, we shall be." No contact ever since.

If I had a bottle of champagne, I'd open it right now.

 

[Nicolette]

If I had a bottle of champagne, I'd open it right now.

Good for you prime-no.

Sometimes 'planning' to get out is the best way to leave to ensure you aren't dealing with a double whammy - the loss of everything as well as perceived support (despite the abuse) which more often than not is a financial need. I made a plan to 'end it' with my last relationship and that was to pretend all was normal after he hit me for the first and last time. After getting stitches he was all apologetic and, despite my skin crawling with disgust, I pretend I had once again began the dance of the abuse cycle and had forgiven him. It only took me 24 hours after that to get rid of him as it was my house. I had to lie about where I was and what I was doing as I secretly went to the police. It was the scariest hours of my life as if he had got home before me and found me gone I don't know what would have happened as he had my son with him.

I can't remember what happened after the police station.... I know my son was with me and we went and stayed in a hotel for the night. I had the locks changed immediately and did what I had to. The police escorted him around to remove his belongings about a day later at my request - I wanted every sign of him gone. The details are a bit sketchy. I do know I found I had more strength than I ever imagined and all of a sudden all the years of reading books and getting help just sat differently in my mind. That day changed me forever. Not as much as I would have liked but monumental in the scheme of things.