Whatcha doooooooin'?

[Ellabella44]

Just got back from my therapist. We went over my current symptoms and my concerns that its bipolar and why. I was feeling buzzed and things I'd normally be embarrassed to tell anyone I didn't feel embarrassed at all. How bad is it when she says I don't need to be hospitalized YET. We can't afford it. Appointment with my aprn is 4 weeks from now. FOUR. Her only date in my area is Dec 13th. my therapist is going to see if I can get something from my aprn to balance my mood swings till then.
I have never laughed this much in therapy before. I almost wish I could cry about her saying don't need hospital yet. But I cant. I'm still wired. And that means A. I'm right but she is not licenced to diagnose this. And B. I'm in serious trouble. Again.

Getting a diagnosis and a name to it means with the right stuff I can fight it. I've made appointment for wednesday for my therapist again. I've never done twice a week with her but I'm in a seriously bad place right now and realize I need help. Look at me making good choices.

 

[Teasel]

Pondering mostly :)

 

[Changing4Best]

Getting ready to hit the sack. I have to clean my CPAP machine's hose and mask, etc. I am wide awake, so I am here playing around and doing some Christmas shopping on Amazon.

 

[Ellabella44]

Talked to my aprn. Have new apointment on the 26th. Its 43 mins from here and I'm taking my husband with me. I can't go alone. I'm stable. Still sober and I'm not going to harm myself. Yet the aprn mentioned getting checked at er before then. I haven't told my husband yet. We can't afford this right now. And he usually sees me when I'm relatively stable. Will see my therapist tomorrow and try to plan a course of action. I almost wish I'd hidden my symptoms. Ugh I have all these thoughts in my head that they'd admit me. That I'd be in psych ward. I've never done that before. I don't want this. But I may have no choice. Its a safety concearn because last time I had this I also had my ptsd symptoms and all of that and drinking led to an attempt. The circumstances aren't the same.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Hugs, @Ellabella44. You are doing well with your feelings, if you have to go to ER, you will go then. You don't have to think about what happens after now. Take care of yourself.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm sitting in bed listening to some blues music...migraine is better. Watched another one of my hometown teams (rams) play when I got back from therapy. It was a good distraction getting my mind off things for a little while.

 

[Ellabella44]

Yeah. Therapist gave me a caution tell your husband just in case. I don't bs her on anything and I'm in touch every day. But even someone who feel they are strong enough can loose it. Been there. Done that. I'm reaching out for help. And doubling sessions with my therapist for a bit. I can't handle this by myself.

 

[Deanna]

I'm just catching up here for a minute. Holidays are next week so I'm working double-time to have Thursday off. How exhausting!

 

[Deanna]

We can't afford this right now

I know.. The thing is we never can afford it so you might as well do it. If you're out of a job because you had a melt-down, you can't afford that either.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Sifting through a mountain of legal paperwork I have to figure out, as it steadily scrambles my aching brain, and reflecting on the sight of mom's totally empty house today.

I handled it better than I thought I would, but the waves are coming ashore now that I've stopped and had time to reflect.

It's the first time in over 7 decades that it's been empty. All the outlines of everything that hung on or was placed up against the walls remain.

While it means things can move on, it doesn't really do much to comfort the empty feeling I have in my heart after seeing it.

Happy born day eve, mom. We sure do miss your physical presence. Remember when I'd mention maybe getting rid of some stuff through the years? You'd always say, "I don't give a damn if it is cluttered. You and your sister will have to deal with it when I'm gone, not me." Well, we dealt with it. Hope we did you proud.

 

[Ellabella44]

@Deanna thankfully I'm not working. I'm in process with a disability office here to help me get one. It takes a while so I have time to fall apart.

Just had a kitty massage from Cinnabon. Feeling like I'm closer to balance. Trying to start this off as a new day after a hurricane. Clean up my mental yard. Forgive myself for having a difficult time. Which is the important part. I'm exhausted from the past few weeks. Therapist later today.

Hope you all have a good day :)

 

[blackemerald1]

Today I've spent the day reading and watching all of the weather alerts and finding what level of fire zone I will be sitting in the middle of. Watering down everything so there is some moisture in my plants and soil surrounding the house. Cleaning up loose things outside that might be flammable and generally preparing for tomorrow.