What's A Real Concern, And What Is Ptsd?

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

1. 
   Hi everyone...... trying to figure out if what I'm experiencing is a legitimate concern or my PTSD acting up.... Does anyone have this kind of problem?
   
   
2. Specifically when it comes to fixing house stuff..... I notice a lot of things wrong with my house I bought a year ago and I tend to panic worrying that something more sinister is going on...
   
   
3. I've been right a couple of times.... but my wife, every time I see something, just sees me spending our money...... and I know some of my worry has to do with my PTSD.... but I'm having a hard time determining when it is PTSD and when it's a legitimate concern...
   
   
4. (My PTSD comes from my father's suicide, coupled with our household literally falling apart, coupled with an attempt to drag myself to better places, only to be devastated by a flood in our first house...) Probably shouldn't have bought another house.... heh...
   
   But we did and since we've moved in it has been nothing but problems. Yesterday, I noticed some ice that seemed to be flowing down the siding in the back.... I'm immediately prone to say to myself, "That's ice damming and it's going to destroy my walls."
   
   I don't know if this is true or not. A contractor is going to try to take advantage of me and I don't know who to ask for advice..... or what could even be done if it is ice damming....
   
   My wife thinks I'm worried about nothing, but she also just doesn't want to spend any more money. I don't either, but I'm worried.
   
   I have an appointment with my psychologist in an hour and a half. We've been working on identifying a psychiatrist that's covered by my insurance that he can work with for medication purposes.

 

[WillyKat]

I think that most of us struggle with that question. I know I sometimes do. My two cents of advice, worth about half that, is to not treat that struggle as another symptom.

Houses have issues, one after another. New houses have issues because they're made cheaply and older houses have issues because its old. Pat yourself on the back by being proactive and taking it seriously. Whether you're taking it too seriously is *always* in the eye of the beholder.

Just a thought: join another online forum for home repair or do it yourself stuff. There are forums out there for that sort of thing and you can get all sorts of advice for free.

Another suggestion is to write down what you see as a problem (like the ice) and spell out exactly what you think might be the problem.

Specifically regarding the ice, I'd look for any signs of water damage or fungus on the drywall or ceiling. If not, it may mean the house is working just fine and the ice is just rainwater that froze.

Hope that helps.

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I've been staring at the ceiling and drywall non-stop for the past two days and so far I see no damage. It's definitely melted snow that froze... it's just a matter of whether it is actually a problem or not. I do have a couple of friends telling me to just ignore it. I live in Northern Virginia and we got hammered this week with some unusual weather for this area...

The problem with a lot of those forums is that they are FULL of doomsday stuff. When I notice something wrong with the house, I do look it up to see what can be done...... and, in the end it ends up increasing my anxiety greatly. There's a lot of very dramatic contractors out there looking to scare you into calling them so they can overcharge you.

It is an old house.... about 70 years old. The same family lived here for over 60 years.... it's one of the things that attracted me to it. I had visions of a very happy family in my head and hoping I could make it similar. And, I need to be happy here.... I need to not be constantly looking over my shoulder.

The problem is.... here's the list of problems we've had since moving in:
1. Crawl space flooded - had to do waterproofing
2. Roof leaked
3. Pipes froze
4. Found a foundation problem that needed correcting
5. Mold developed in crawl space due to improper ventilation so we had to do mold remediation
6. Sewer line backed up
7. Toilet leaked
8. Had to take out three trees that ended up becoming a hazard

I know there's a few other things, but that's a lot to take in in one year.... and I'm noticing some other things that I've just decided to ignore. We had a structural engineer come out and assess things after all of this.... he seemed confident the house would stand (as long as we corrected the one foundation problem.... and he also noted that our bow window is sagging slightly, but said it didn't seem likely a structural concern)...

My wife doesn't want to hear any of it anymore though. She's going through her own struggles right now.... our relationship is very strained and I'm doing everything I can to try to fix things. Thank God we don't have kids....

I want to own and live in and love my house...... I loved my old house before it flooded, very much so. I can't say I've ever been happier than at that time, which makes this all the more difficult to deal with. I was convinced this would make me happy again, but it's only made things worse. (For the record, we sold that house at a loss..... )

Honestly, I want to believe that this is just me.... that I can get by this and move forward with being happy, rather than being worried all the time.

 

[novemberDark]

SuicideSurvivor1994 can I ask you a question don't have to answer.

When you say "my wife doesn't want to hear about it anymore".
Do you mean about the ice being a problem, or about you feelings re wanting happy family there, questioning if it's your ptsd etc? .

I'm just wondering because woman usually want to talk (about their feelings) while men are always thinking about how they must fix things.

If I'm intruding here on this thread, I apologise in advance ( I don't know much about ice either, other than skating on it).

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

No, thank you for asking. Your question is very pertinent I think.

She doesn't want to talk about anything to do with fixing the house or spending money to fix the house any more. We've always agreed on money in the past so this has been a new development. One of the most recent things I actually had to do behind her back because she wouldn't talk to me about it. It makes me feel very alone in making these decisions. She also thinks that, definitively, any concerns I have about the house are illegitimate and related to my PTSD. I actually do hope she's right about that.

Strangely, in our relationship, I've often been the more emotional one. I'm also a musician/teacher where as she works with law enforcement. Heh.... we're not your typical couple.

 

[novemberDark]

Well couldn't you just talk about the feelings of shared hopes and dreams for a while ?.

Sounds like a lot of pressure on both and that your wife doesn't know about ice either.

Maybey someone on here will later.

Sorry to admit that I laughed a bit about you staring at walls and ceiling for two days (not that it's a nice thing to focus on).

Last night I was determined to find the source of fire in my appartment building

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

Haha, when you put it that way it does sound ridiculous. Thanks for letting me laugh at myself a little. :o)

I guess the problem is that lately I'm having a hard time envisioning a good future.... it seems like there's so much bad that keeps happening.

It's partly her too.... she wants to travel.... and we both love to travel. But, obviously, we're both concerned about the financial viability of that considering what has happened to us in the last couple of years. I keep telling her, we're going to make travel a priority, but we need to care for the house. But, I'm worried, too, that we won't be able to achieve a lot of our dreams together. And I feel guilty because buying the house was my idea... and I may have destroyed our dreams because of it....

 

[novemberDark]

I would say that to her and you're welcome (I laugh at myself all the time).

Yesterday was a false smoke alarm and all my neighbours went back to bed after a view.

Not me, I had to be ready and able exit to outside ( it was-30 C here), currently sleep pattern disturbed again. Means I'll sleep to tomorrow's sunrise again.

That's to bad because my dear friend just told me the other day that day light has started to extend.

I think it's hard for a lot of people to envision a great future these days
(financial hardships etc).

 

[WillyKat]

I'd suggest slowing down on the house stuff. I get overstressed when my wife has a list of stuff to do and it's all very urgent. Sounds to me like you have the urgent stuff taken care of. If she's got issues herself and she's feeling overwhelmed...sick of it...it's time to de-stress about something.

I thought suggesting a fixer upper forum would be of help. Sorry that isn't working.

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

@novemberDark : Did you have a past bad experience with a fire?
My first house flooded three years ago. My wife was at a happy hour at the time, and I had gotten home and was soaking some poison ivy that I had gotten while working in the yard. That was the last truly relaxing moment I remember. I saw the water coming up the street and pulled some irreplaceable items up from the basement.... still thinking nothing would happen. Then I got the evacuation order. I took my dog and ran. Next time I saw my house there was six feet of brown, muddy, sludge filled water in the basement and everything was destroyed. That's one of the reasons for my PTSD.... and also one of the reasons I think it's affecting me so much more than my wife.

And, wow..... that is cold. Here it's gotten down to about -12C. (I'm in the U.S. so that's about 10F for me). But that's really cold for this area (Northern Virginia) and these houses really aren't built to sustain these kinds of temperatures.

@WillyKat : No reason to be sorry. I've just found the internet to be more of a source of stress. Honestly, I just want to live and be happy here and be happy where I am in life. Luckily, my wife isn't bugging me to fix things.... but it's mostly because she doesn't notice when things are broken. She's also a bit klutzy and tends to break things that I then need to fix. I love her so much, but sometimes I wish she'd be a little more careful.


Things have been worse for me..... I have to remember that. I just want to stop dreading the future.

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

Another part of my story is that (as you may have guessed from my not-so-subtle screen name) my father committed suicide when I was 13 and my mother came down with a chronic illness. She's miserable. I'm afraid my future looks like hers......

 

[novemberDark]

Yes I have bad experience with fire, it's been a long time but still hard to talk about. Beause of the temp I did go back to lay down but fully dressed winter coat and winter boots.

I'm emotionally involved with someone that suffers from ptsd (he planned his suicide November 2011). That day he asked me to meet him (we had been friends for 10+ years), I had no idea then but he changed his mind that day. We ended up in a romantic relationship from there and he told me of his plans two weeks into it. He has a daughter, I told him he has no right to do it.

It has been over 2 years now, he hasn't had those thoughts anymore ( we're still friends). It was an issue for me, that he held me responsible, I always said "you decided not to follow through yourself, not me".

Someone that came out of combat hell saying "you saved my life" is ridiculous and not digestible for me. I know if it would happen again ( anything is possible) ptsd is a real b...h that there will be nothing I can actively do about it. It is not my responsibility either way. That was not easy though. Took me a while to look at it that way. I always mention how important he is for his daughter, and that she would blame herself, have emotional problems for life. Also he's very precious to me, my best asset.

As sick as it sounds we joke about it now sometimes. We joke about a lot of sick things, even triggers! .