What's Our Fault And What Isn't?

[PointlessExistence]

Does anyone else struggle with knowing what's your fault and what isn't in your current lives? I don't mean what happened in our childhood. I know many people can't convince themselves that their childhood wasn't their fault. But I'm talking about knowing it wasn't your fault but being unable to decide what is currently your fault and what is a natural byproduct of your horrendous childhood.

For instance, someone who is abused as a child turns into an abuser as an adult. That is a pretty black and white issue, and I think we can all agree that an adult abuser is to be held accountable regardless of his childhood. Despite all the mitigating circumstances, an adult has to be held responsible for his actions.

But what about things in a more gray area? What about the fact that I'm collecting disability payments for my psychological problems? I can't decide whether I deserve them or not. I can't decide how much of my behavior is PTSD and how much is laziness. Does anyone else feel that way? Does anyone else have that constant nagging feeling that maybe he/she can just be better if he/she were stronger or more motivated? I never know what to do and never know what my responsibilities are. My natural tendency is to avoid as much as I can and to just stay safe. Am I allowed to do that or does society deserve more from me? Does anyone else struggle with these moral questions?

 

[Gs172003]

Does anyone else struggle with knowing what's your fault and what isn't in your current live...

Hmmm. That's hard. Have you ever tried doing anything else? Even if it's volunteering somewhere?

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Without being a ass but at what point can supporters hold you accountable to being able to communicate like typical humans

 

[Chiqui]

Does anyone else struggle with knowing what's your fault and what isn't in your current live...

I do very much. I wonder if is lazyness, later I think/know it is not...I struggle, and I don't know what I suposse to be doing with my life. For me, volunteering is out of the way, as related with my trauma. I wish I would have an answers, but I haven't.
Also my natural tendency is avoid and stay as safe as I can. Yes, I relate very much with this.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

What about the fact that I'm collecting disability payments for my psychological problems? I can't decide whether I deserve them or not. I can't decide how much of my behavior is PTSD and how much is laziness. Does anyone else feel that way? Does anyone else have that constant nagging feeling that maybe he/she can just be better if he/she were stronger or more motivated? I never know what to do and never know what my responsibilities are. My natural tendency is to avoid as much as I can and to just stay safe. Am I allowed to do that or does society deserve more from me? Does anyone else struggle with these moral questions?

Yes, to all of that. I blame myself for anything and everything. I feel selfish and lazy. I feel worthless. I try to work on figuring out things, but I can't. I just see myself as always wrong.

 

[Catalaninma]

Does anyone else struggle with knowing what's your fault and what isn't in your current live...

Yes, I do. But in my case is more trying to decipher which choices I make because of child abuse from which choices are my own. But lately I have been thinking that maybe I cannot differentiate them because I make those choices, trauma or not these are MY choices and trauma is part of me and my personality, I probably should just accept it and move on. Any coments?

 

[One step at a time]

Yes! I've been struggling with this so much, especially where my ptsd-affected behavior affects others. I'm trying to learn to balance taking personal responsibility for my mistakes with forgiving myself for having made them.

Also, I know that I could push myself harder, but then I would crash harder - it isn't sustainable. I try to do as much as possible without really negatively impacting my health, and I try to forgive myself for not doing more (things that part of me thinks I "should" be doing).

 

[Chiqui]

Does anyone else struggle with knowing what's your fault and what isn't in your current live...

Thanks for opening this thread. My thougts have been written in yours and others comments. They were wandering in the back of my mind (or somewhere near..)

Yes, to all of that. I blame myself for anything and everything. I feel selfish and lazy...

I wonder what could help us..

 

[Catalaninma]

Yes! I've been struggling with this so much, especially where my ptsd-affected behavior affe...

I have been working a lot on having compassion for my self, which I had none. But it is true that although I was in a great mood, just registering in this website brought my mood from 9 to 3 in a blink of an eye. So I should go slowly when I touch the PTSD issues since I do not want to crash and end up in the hospital again (3 hospitalizations in the last year). But I keep thinking that if I could accept that all these behaviors and choices were made by me, they are now my responsibility no matter if they are PTSD related or not. I need to put as much effort as possible in correcting the damaging ones (like abusing alcohol in my case) and embrace the neutral ones as genuinely mine (for example I am considering exploring again BDSM in my sexual life in a healthy way).
what do you think?

 

[Chiqui]

This is a great advice for me, useful :)
!

I know that I could push myself harder, but then I would crash harder - it isn't sustainable. I try to do as much as possible without really negatively impacting my health, and I try to forgive myself for not doing more (things that part of me thinks I "should" be doing).

 

[PointlessExistence]

Thank you for the replies. Not only do I hear you having the same problems, but I've been reminded of some other feelings I have.

JEK, talking about blaming oneself and feeling like you're always wrong. I always come back to feeling that way. Even after I've convinced myself I'm right, eventually the tide will turn and I'll think I'm wrong.

Catalaninma brought up a great point about trauma being part of your personality and moving on. Sometimes I come to that conclusion, and it feels like a great weight is lifted, like I can stop trying to "fix myself". But it always goes away and I once again find myself not only in psychological turmoil but also still continuing to not be very functional in everyday life.

What One Step said about doing as much as possible without really negatively impacting one's health reminded me of how I never seem to know just how hard to push myself, never knowing what is just normal fatigue. And with me, it's about not only about not negatively impacting my health, it's also about not pushing so hard that I'm unable to do the very important things. My wife works, and I'm the one who mostly watches our 12 year old daughter. There is a lot I can get done during the almost-7 hours she's in school, but sometimes if I take on too much I don't have the mental or physical energy to take care of her as well as I should when she gets home. So it's always a struggle to know when I'm being lazy and when I'm smartly conserving my energy.

Maria echoes my sentiments about not knowing what she's supposed to be doing with her life, and she and Missy mentioned volunteering. I volunteer at the animal shelter once a month. I offered to do it more often, but they don't have the need. But overall, although sometimes the idea of "giving back" brings up some very positive emotions, other times I feel like I'm being a fraud, like I don't deserve to feel good about helping out, when I can't even make it in society.

 

[Chiqui]

I have been working a lot on having compassion for my self, which I had none. But it is true that a...

I think is wise from you to take easy the approach to Ptsd. I have been too enthusiastic about it and also has afected my mood, and felt lower than usual. I find very difficult to assume that I have to be responsible of the impact of my Ptsd on me and others. It drains me..