Relationship When He Said He Is Done Is He Really?

[TENESSA]

My retired combat vet broke up with me days ago. To sum up the whole story he started having feelings for me and emotions were coming up that he wasn't ready for in our 3 mos we were together. He always made comments about how he cannot feel things and he wouldn't but he cared so very much for me and was so so real and so true to me in all his actions those 3 mos. He came to me and said he has a lot of crap going on and cannot have me apart of it. He needs to straighten out things and cannot have this (meaning us) right now. He said to me I messed with his emotions clarifying he was getting feelings for me and he cannot handle that as he buried those kind of emotions years ago in the sand.. When he said he is done he is done! I cannot help but believe that is not true for us.... Am I wrong? Help!!

 

[Ronin]

I tend to take people at their word.

He said he's done? He's done.

I'm sorry you're coming through this. Sympathies.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Welcome to the forum!

You are not alone with these feelings and similar situations - it seems to be a repeating theme in many supporters' stories that their relationship with their sufferer within the 3-4 month period was very strong, passionate and loving. Personally I think that has nothing to do with PTSD and everything to do with what is called the 'honeymooning phase' in a relationship, but I could be wrong.

Individuals suffering from PTSD can suffer from a large pool of symptoms, many of these include feelings of hypervigilence (feeling very on edge, anticipating something, never being able to relax), outbursts of anger or extreme anxiety, insomnia and frequent nightmares/night terrors, feelings of guilt and and shame, general mistrust, and general avoidance of anything that can cause stress - whether that stress be good or bad. Some other common ones are isolating from people (especially loved ones) for long periods of time, feeling completely numb, and dissasociation/depersonalization.

It seems to me here that once the initial intense buzz at the beginning of every relationship started to wear off, rather than settling into the strong bond of attachment love that normally happens in several relationships, someone that suffers from PTSD may find themselves struggling to grow attached, or fear growing attached, depending on the nature of their trauma, and their personality as well. Hypervigilence factors into this - growing attached to someone means being vulnerable. It means allowing oneself to be open and accessible. For PTSD sufferers, this is a BIG no no for many. Growing attached leads to the possibility of being hurt - they already have so much trauma to process that the possibility of them being even more hurt is very terrifying for many. (Please don't take my word as the end-all answer though. This is just what I've seemed to recognize in attachment patterns with my own sufferer, and shared experience with others. Your veteran could be different.)

If he requested that you don't contact him, I would respect this decision. Sometimes sufferers can come around once they've taken time to be alone and process their emotions. But I wouldn't hold out on it in case he chooses not to. It's hard, but ultimately, if he asked you to not contact him, there's not much that you can do.

I hope that you take care of yourself friend!

 

[TheMinsterman]

Based on the length of the relationship, I'd sadly suggest that yes, he is done, problems or no problems. That early in I'd err on the side of him realising he isn't ready emotionally for a relationship, especially from what he specifically said. It doesn't sound like he is in a position to start accepting the emotional challenge of a relationship.

It hurts, but you need to tell yourself this isn't you. He simply isn't ready. He may decide he is in the future, but I don't want to get your hopes up needlessly. Move on for your own good, it will hurt and it will take time but it may be what is best for you.

 

[caligirl03]

Based on my experience with my vet, he never meant it it but rather was just overwhelmed with a plethora of things. Within days, he'd predictably always be back. Either way, it's damaging over the long run, and I finally put my foot down and broke up with him for reals, letting him know he needs to work on himself first before we can move forward romantically.

In your case, it may be that your vet possesses the self-awareness and selflessness to spare you from his own volatility, realizing he ultimately needs to sort things out for himself first before involving you. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have feelings for you--in fact, I would argue he has strong feelings for you and is freaked out by them, especially in the context of his current head space. Honor his sentiments.The door may not be slammed shut but simply ajar for now. If it's meant to be then it will.

 

[dulcia]

Based on my experience with my vet, he never meant it it but rather was just overwhelmed with a plethora of things.

Ditto to this.

 

[heyheyhey]

Ditto to this.

The thing is though everyone is different. So we all have PTSD, but that doesn't mean everyone with PTSD will mean the same thing when they speak or think the same things or want the same things. If I said this, I'd mean I was done, end of discussion.

Sorry if this is blunt, but I think you are looking for us to be able to give you an insight into his mind, and that isn't really they way to go about it and won't leave you feeling any better :/.

 

[dulcia]

So we all have PTSD, but that doesn't mean everyone with PTSD will mean the same thing when they speak or think the same things or want the same things.

For sure.

 

[Broken_hearted_tx]

My retired combat vet broke up with me days ago. To sum up the whole story he started having feelings f...

He isn't in Texas is he?

 

[TENESSA]

He isn't in Texas is he?

Montana.....Why you ask.

 

[TENESSA]

Welcome to the forum!

You are not alone with these feelings and similar situations - it see...

Thank you so much for your insight. The more I read I'm realizing it wasn't real what we had even though it felt completely real with no doubt. I see he didn't feel for me and it was just a pass his time kind of thing. I'm glad I didn't move in like we talked about. Time for me to walk on....

 

[TENESSA]

Based on the length of the relationship, I'd sadly suggest that yes, he is done, problems or no p...

Very good point. Thank you...I'd like for the happy ending but the pain I feel now is too great. I shall just deal and move on...