Carlito2017
New Here
Not sure if this belongs in the relationship section, but here goes.
I've been exploring inner child work and the question of how I would reparent the my childhood self. It's still very much early days, but there's a paradoxical thing I've noticed. I realized that my attitude of self-compassion is for all intents and purposes identical to the attitude my mother had towards me, which I've always considered degrading, harmful and abusive.
Not sure at which point that attitude was formed, but my mother (who passed away years ago) firmly believed that my numerous flaws make me inherently defective - that is, unable to function as a 'normal' member of society and live a 'normal' life. And she didn't resent me for it - at least, not exclusively. She and dad actually took steps to ensure that I can have as easy a life as possible given my circumstances. They saved money all their lives and bought me a home, but not as a future family nest and/or base of my success or anything of the sort. In their own words, it was "so you can quietly live out the rest of your days" When I got my dream job out of university, my mom tried to prohibit me from accepting it - she was genuinely convinced that it must be some kind of scam, because there's no way I'm competent enough to land a job and salary like that. It wasn't even vindictive - it was a twisted expression of genuine care.
I've always considered my mother's view of me as completely incapable of functioning to be abusive. But I realized that I view myself, or at least my child self, the same way. I am objectively less capable than most people in most aspects of life - my body is weak, my appearance is offputting, I mess up at small day to day tasks seemingly much more frequently than the average person, my career is pretty sketchy, especially for my age, etc. etc. Ultimately I have the same core belief that I can never fully be a 'normal' part of society, can never catch up to others and my life won't have a good outcome. I look at my child self and my idea of reparenting him is telling him that yeah, he is defective and disadvantaged, but I can care for him and protect him, place him in an environment where his defects won't trouble him too much. The difference is just that in my case this environment is not house ownership and a dead end job, but a fun career and the pursuit of our dreams even through all the disadvantages and roadstops that we encounter.
So, when my mom says it, I see it as abuse. When I say it to myself, it's self-compassion. That... can't be right, can it? I'm now torn between accepting that my mother wasn't being abusive by writing me off, or accepting that what I thought was self-compassion has actually always been self-abuse. It's actually jarring to realize how contradictory my thinking has been, because I sort of pride myself on being consistent and honest in my views.
I've been exploring inner child work and the question of how I would reparent the my childhood self. It's still very much early days, but there's a paradoxical thing I've noticed. I realized that my attitude of self-compassion is for all intents and purposes identical to the attitude my mother had towards me, which I've always considered degrading, harmful and abusive.
Not sure at which point that attitude was formed, but my mother (who passed away years ago) firmly believed that my numerous flaws make me inherently defective - that is, unable to function as a 'normal' member of society and live a 'normal' life. And she didn't resent me for it - at least, not exclusively. She and dad actually took steps to ensure that I can have as easy a life as possible given my circumstances. They saved money all their lives and bought me a home, but not as a future family nest and/or base of my success or anything of the sort. In their own words, it was "so you can quietly live out the rest of your days" When I got my dream job out of university, my mom tried to prohibit me from accepting it - she was genuinely convinced that it must be some kind of scam, because there's no way I'm competent enough to land a job and salary like that. It wasn't even vindictive - it was a twisted expression of genuine care.
I've always considered my mother's view of me as completely incapable of functioning to be abusive. But I realized that I view myself, or at least my child self, the same way. I am objectively less capable than most people in most aspects of life - my body is weak, my appearance is offputting, I mess up at small day to day tasks seemingly much more frequently than the average person, my career is pretty sketchy, especially for my age, etc. etc. Ultimately I have the same core belief that I can never fully be a 'normal' part of society, can never catch up to others and my life won't have a good outcome. I look at my child self and my idea of reparenting him is telling him that yeah, he is defective and disadvantaged, but I can care for him and protect him, place him in an environment where his defects won't trouble him too much. The difference is just that in my case this environment is not house ownership and a dead end job, but a fun career and the pursuit of our dreams even through all the disadvantages and roadstops that we encounter.
So, when my mom says it, I see it as abuse. When I say it to myself, it's self-compassion. That... can't be right, can it? I'm now torn between accepting that my mother wasn't being abusive by writing me off, or accepting that what I thought was self-compassion has actually always been self-abuse. It's actually jarring to realize how contradictory my thinking has been, because I sort of pride myself on being consistent and honest in my views.
