Where Is My Mind?

[violetclouds]

I was not blessed with any great talents. I am not musical or artistic. I wasn't graced with beauty or even the ability to imitate beauty through cosmetics or nice clothing. I am just a very "plain" person - nothing unique or exciting about me. The one thing I was always able to take a little comfort and minor pride in was my mind. I was able to do well in school, get good grades, honors and stuff. I was not a social butterfly and didn't have many friends - usually only one friend at a time really.

So now I have PTSD due to many causes and events going way back into my childhood. My mind no longer works like it did - I can't focus on things and get them done in the way I used to. I am not the problem solver I used to be. My short term memory is non-existent - someone tells me something or I think of something and within two minutes it's gone - forgotten already.

The one thing that I viewed as being of some value in life - is not broken and nearly useless. That is one of the hardest things in this for me.

The other hardest thing? Because of the nature of my 'traumas' I was never able to really connect to very many people, and have always been very socially awkward, so now there are none of those long term like family friends to support me, my extended family is no longer a part of my life in that way - they were a part of the traumas, so I feel as though my husband and I are very very alone with this.

I hate PTSD.

 

[arfie]

"We all have genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will go through its entire life believing it is stupid." ~ Albert Einstein

Good awareness, violet. Now to sort the facts from the PTSD gaslighting. Yes, PTSD is a hate worthy condition, but no matter how much I hate it, it remains mine to heal. I remind myself often that hate is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person (or thing) to die.

I was actually punished by my family for getting straight A's in school. More than once. I encountered many a school official who disregarded my academic achievements because of the family I was born into. They had my future all planned for me. I suffer an awful lot of "brain freeze" as a result. Are we surprised that my 6 (plus or minus) cumulative years of higher education have yet to yield a degree?

When I am unconditionally accepting and gentle with myself during the "brain freeze" and gently thaw the processes, I find access to that blocked information is possible. This doesn't need to be a permanent condition.

But that is me...

Gentle support while you sort your own, violet.

 

[violetclouds]

arfie - thank you so much - wow can't imagine being punished for getting "A's" in school. I appreciate your input and support.

 

[Lucycat]

'Where is my mind?' Well mine today has left - maybe Pluto or Mars? Not sure really.

 

[violetclouds]

I know that feeling for sure Lucycat!