Who Am I Anymore ?

[Sammyiam]

Have you ever just sat down and just thought, how the hell did I end up at this point in my life, and being like this ?

I have been struggling the last while and I just sat down today and thought how the hell did I get to here, I'm 47 and I have no idea where to go from here. I go along life like someone has pushed the auto pilot button, doing and saying the right things at the right time. Inside I don't really feel much at all. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I know a lot of people on here feel the same, I just don't seem to be getting anywhere. They doubled some of my Meds last week so I could sleep now all I do is feel like a zombie. If I take them I don't feel the full force of everything but it is still there in the shadows very close by just tapping away at me. Every day every hour just constantly there.

If I don't take the meds I just go into meltdown mode, even if I know that it's happening I just carnt seem to not think the thoughts are so real. I know therapy is my best chance but I just feel like I am such a loser that I am not good enough for anything any more. I won't even look after my grandson by myself anymore as I just don't feel good enough.

I just want to hide away from myself and everyone so they don't know what I truly am. who I have become, just me in general. I look at myself and just don't want to be me anymore.

 

[Suzetig]

I hear you, that's exactly how I feel but have been struggling to articulate. I'm not on medication, have a responsible job, good friends etc and from the outside I look like I'm doing really well. Inside though I feel like I got here by accident, like I've cheated things somehow and it'll all come crashing down. I want to hide from the world and stop being me for a while but I'm also fighting the idea because I *know* the thoughts don't reflect how I am, just how I feel.

 

[NarcSis]

I'm not on meds but that wondering how the hell life got so side tracked and wondering who this person is because I feel very little connection to her or life - I totally get that.

Sometimes when I say "7 years since my trauma" it'll hit me really hard because my sense of time around the whole issue is all screwey, like I feel like it's only been a year or two but it's been 7 years of feeling disconnected to life itself.

It's definitely not just a You phenomenon, it's me too - its a lot of us.

Hugs.

 

[The Albatross]

Sammy you're going through some tough stuff right now. If you're less than 21-30 days into a med change, you're brain chemistry is whack because it's got to adjust to the new dosages.

 

[Nighthawk]

:hug: Sammy

You are so not alone in these feelings of the unknown human that your brain drives is so many horrible directions and does things you dislike and more than likely hate.

I had no idea who I was no identety what so ever for I cant tell you for how long. With whats been going on with you mom I am not surprised you are are feeling this way. If I am correct about your mom she never let you grow into your own as did mine. Now at this age I have to go through puberty and adolecence to discover who I am what I like, what I believe in. Even worse I have to believe that I am allowed my own thoughts. This is tough.

I am sorry you are where you are it is a horribly dark and gloomy place with no sign of light anywere. So I am going to light several candels and hope you will see the glimmer that the little light brings. I can only say keep fighting never give up and slowly but surly you will find your way. When you can my hand will be waiting to grab you and help you up the ladder that will take some time to build. I really want you to know you are NOT alone.

Much warmth love and support if you need to PM me anytime.

Baby steps are smaller than you think.

 

[Nighthawk]

Also the thing I know are true about you.

You are inspiring
You are a mom
You are a granmother
You are a wonderful artist
You are a wife
You are impotant to me.

 

[darrenS]

can relate fully Sammy, had a major meltdown a few weeks back, same thing....so many sudden changes and new symptoms...when will it end ...it can be very distressing at times. What i done to help , was joined an educational group that deals with living with a mental illness...i was cynical at first , but its been great and has helped a great dal in coming to terms with the changes...NAMI runs them throughout each state

 

[shell]

Sammy I can really relate, I went through a really long stage of coming to terms with my self, perhaps a crisis of faith in myself, feeling lost for several years. When I started to really work on the lies that I had been living by and stripping them away, I didn't know who I was any more. I realized I was just existing not actually living, and had been for over a decade even though I was no longer living with my abusers, I was acting like I was still imprisoned, and helpless to change my situation.

My previous therapist got really angry at me one day and told me I was like a zombie, just existing, never living and while I was very angry at him, it was the start of a lot of changes that helped me to see what I was doing to myself.

It was when I got to the stage of not wanting to be me any more that for me the real changes started to happen, so don't be disheartened into believing you will always be the way you are now. I had a choice, and so I changed what I was doing, I am no longer on anti depressants, and I am not that same person I was two years ago.

I just want to hide away from myself and everyone so they don't know what I truly am. who I have become, just me in general. I look at myself and just don't want to be me anymore.

Sammy we are all capable of change, sometimes it takes us to hit rock bottom and to sit with those horrible feelings, to make us see we don't want to be like this any more, and to seek better things in our life.

I thought I could never be happy, it would never improve, but it wasn't true. The truth was in me all the time, I just had to stop feeding myself all the lies that I was helpless, worthless, defective, responsible for my abuse and a terrible person, and as I started to do that, I started to accept myself and stop defeating myself, my life really changed for the better. .

Hanging onto to the feeling of not wanting to be me anymore, is a good place to start discussions in therapy, and to really see what is actually going on your life, what messages you are telling yourself.

I believe that depression is our bodies way of telling us something is wrong in our life, and that we aren't seeing that message, or we are ignoring that message, even though it feels like there is no way out, it's not true, that's just depression lying to you.

Sammy you are totally worth therapy, it's just a thought, it's not a fact. Don't give up on yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that you're going through a lot right now. You're still dealing with issues with your mom.

I know its tough. I went no contact in November. I had a LOT less episodes in the following three months. I inadvertently had contact again (not of my doing) and I'm finally pulling out of an episode that started almost a month ago. I thought I was doing so well. All I did was hear her voice!!!! OMG I know I must sound ridiculous, that hearing a voice would send me into thermonuclear meltdown, but it did.

I am finally moving into mourning mode. I am beyond trying to get the love of my mother as I've accepted that she can never love me like I need her to. Its hitting me like ten thousand tons....the realization that I will NEVER know that love. There are so many types of love, but there is no substitute for a mother's love. I have no idea how long I am going to mourn, but I am letting myself be sad. I am giving myself compassion. Those who have never been in my position will never understand. They don't know what its like to not have this love.....it would be like trying to explain the color red to someone who has been completely blind since birth.....ie not happening.

I know this seems tangential, but my point is that I know its tough. I know you're going through a lot. I hope you can have some compassion for yourself.

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm 48 and I feel that way. After my first bout with PTSD, when I had intense therapy, I totally changed and knew who and what I was and demanded it. That was over 20 years ago. Now, after being dealt a chronic illness, I have caved all back inside myself. In order to control the physical symptoms I have become a total recluse. I am very sedentary. I do not have much of a life outside of this computer. My husband wonders where I have gone. I'm not sure my kids remember the other me anymore, it's been so long.

Get therapy. You are worth it. It is what it is there for. Don't become a memory to your grandson, like I did to my kids. You are valuable. You are so very worth it. Hugs if you accept.