Relationship Why Can't He See That I Love Him Despite His Ptsd.

[DinaD]

Hi all, Been seeing/talking to a truly amazing guy for the last 5 months or so. I knew early on he was different to other men as he didn't rush things and approached me in a very gentle, old fashioned manner. He told me pretty early on that he has PTSD and that it affects his emotions. To use his own words, he said he is 'high functioning' 95% of the time but when he is feeling particularly anxious or panicky it affects his emotions. He has been single a little over a year and said he has felt the best he has ever felt. Then he met me and his emotions overwhelmed him and made him retreat. That kinda made me feel like I am now a trigger for him...? He has not yet told me the cause of his trauma but I have told him I am here to listen when/if he is ready. We talk all the time and he goes to great lengths to explain any absences or when he is distant. He has told me he doesn't want to hurt me, disappoint me or let me down so doesn't want us to develop further until he can 'fix himself'. I have not pressured him at all and I truly care for him and I think I've pretty much fallen for him. If I happened to fall in love with a man confined to a wheelchair it would make no difference to me in the same way as I accept him already, completely they way I have met him. His PTSD may always be with him to some extent so why can't he see that sharing a life/relationship with someone you love and trust is worth the shot if they are prepared (with their eyes open) to support you through it. After all, I believe in trying to live as full a life as possible and PTSD is just one side of him. I think we could be great together he could live to be an old man and still have PTSD...Why would he push me away to risk losing me and not allowing himself to have a chance at happiness with someone who is prepared to accept and support him?

 

[ladee]

A complicated question with many answers. Welcome. There is as many answers as there are people with PTSD. We are so complicated. And many times, we don't even know why our self, that we do the things we do... If and when he does go back... please try and remember, do not take it personal.. It is a tough job to love someone with PTSD and oftentimes we don't love our self, or had much love growing up, so it manifests in us wanting to turn away from that unfamiliar feeling..Sometimes it doesn't take much for us to get overwhelmed, and the other person loving us, well, sometimes it gets too complicated for us to maintain and to be in a relationship... Maybe this will help, he isn't taking a chance on loosing you, he is taking a chance on loosing himself... I wish you all the best...

 

[Sweetpea76]

To you, a relationship equals security and happiness... to him it may be terrifying. He could have lost loved ones. Loved ones may have abused him. He could have been through traumas so horrific the thought of loving anybody who could get hurt like that is too much. Relationships are stress, and even good stress can be too much for PTSD sufferers sometimes. You can't know exactly why unless he chooses to open up to you and talk about it.

Here is a great explanation about how stress can effect PTSD sufferers. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

Also, you feel like you may be a trigger... But there is a big difference between triggers and stressors. Here is another great explanation. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.9903/

 

[Casey_03]

The simple answer to your question is that it's not about you. I don't think he doubts your love for him, it has nothing to do with that. It's just PTSD.

 

[DinaD]

Thank you all for your replies, I have been reading up on PTSD this past week and am now a lot more informed about the 'cup effect' and good/bad stress etc... It's a real relief to know this community of people exists as its all new to me.

I was happy and single before (I guess I still am) and leading a happy active life but I was ready for a new relationship and this special guy just happened to come along at the right time and find me! I want to shout from the rooftops about how amazing and special he is to me but I can't as we are not anything official so he is still kinda secret.

All my friends and family have noticed how much happier, brighter and positive I've been these last few months and I'm sure they suspect something. I'm not a serial dater and one to give my heart, body, soul away easily so they would be shocked and know that who ever it is having this influence on me, would have to be someone pretty darn special.

I've only leaked to my sister and somewhat to one close friend about him as they were excited and happy for me but thought it weird that we don't see each other more often, have not been intimate in any way and generally not done the traditional dinner/ movie hang out stuff on weekends. I know they don't get it and think he's wasting my time or maybe even a player but I trust him and believe him when he told me how his PTSD affects him, backed up with what I have now come to learn here. I know they think I am making a mistake and hey, I could be. But this guy to me is worth the risk. I feel like this is my only place to offload to people who understand so I can also maintain the trust he has placed in me by telling me in the first place. I don't want to share with people he may one day meet and who will naturally judge or have pre-conceptions about him, that wouldn't be fair and I wouldn't betray him like that.

Thank you so much for hearing me out and pointing me in the right direction for advice. I can't help but sit here and laugh actually, I've always been unlucky in love (never had a steady boyfriend who loved me for me) and I finally meet someone who I would describe as 'the one' (on so many levels) and now PTSD gets in the way...? I'm far from done yet though, I have to believe he's worth it because if not he has already set a new benchmark that will be extremely difficult to reach for any other guy after him (God I'm dramatic....). I secretly wish he could read this to know exactly how I feel but would never actually say this to him for fear of triggering him.