General Why Date Someone Who Is Ill?

[blueeyedgirl]

Unfortunately, yes.

I hate how it sounds, but I do have the desire to care for and help. But, what's the difference between that and wanting to be a mother? Not that I'd want to be a mother to my s/o - obviously those are two very different roles. I guess what I'm saying is that I've been in some pretty dark places and can relate. And, to be honest - I don't know if I could be with someone who hasn't been in those places. Not that I want to spend my life giving all the support and not getting it back, either. But, there is something human and real about having experienced the depth of both happiness and pain.

 

[upstream]

I know exactly what you mean. I have those desires too, and I also don't believe that it is wrong to want to help and care for others. It is comforting to be with someone who has been in dark places too, someone who won't leave me because they see the dark inside me. Problem is I keep getting burned.

I used to be afraid of getting close to healthy people, afraid that they'd get close enough to see me for who I am. Afraid that they'd see that I'm not acceptable or lovable, that they'd run away.

I've been working on some issues lately, and REBT (also called CBT) has helped a lot with this. I feel more normal, and I feel like I can be in a relationship with a normal healthy person... though I still feel a desire to rescue people sometimes.

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

wow, i am glad i read this thread . although i married my hubby before his PTSD, this thread has helped me see what he 'could' be feeling. thank you all for opening up!

 

[tarahc]

This was a very interesting thread for me to read. At first I was offended by the posts that made me feel like I have given my best to a relationship that has been very difficult at times and has pushed me to the limits of my patience simply for my own personal gain. As if the difficulties have been of my own making and I needed them in some way to fulfill holes that I have in myself.

I do consider myself as a person who is a caretaker in many senses of the word. I am an oldest sibling and played a big role in caring for my younger siblings, and I actually have a master's in counseling that trained me to be a therapist. This has been a blessing in many ways, especially because I had some knowlegde of PTSD before meeting my boyfriend. We were talking yesterday and he told me that he thinks if I wasn't the person I am with the background that I have, he thinks that I would have been out of our relationship months ago (we've been dating for 11 months).

That being said, it's really made me think about why I'm in my relationship and why I'm willing to be a carer. I'm so grateful that my boyfriend is in therapy and that he is willing to work on his treatment and try to get better, and the more I read this forum, the more I think that I may need to consider engaging in my own therapy.

It's so nice to be able to read all the things that you all contribute to this forum and have a place where I know other people understand.

 

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum, Tara, lovely to have you. It sounds as though you have quite a good relationship with your boyfriend, which is refreshing to see. Take care and I look forward to chatting with you more.

 

[FallenAngel]

Hmm interesting thread.... Not every one knows the person they are dating has PTSD , not in the beginning anyway , I certainly didn't , I fell in love with the way he made me laugh and his sexy smile , ok now I know , Opps to late! I already fell in love with him! Had I know from the very beginning I may never have gone there , but that is imaterial, I did go there ......... and we are going though some bad times pulled back , cutting me out , shut down ! But I care deeply enough to stick around , see where this goes , that is my choice, but I know thats not right for everyone, being with some one is your choice some choose to stay some choose to go, We may never get back to where we were ........ but thats a chance I have to take and I have accepted that, maybe it will make us stronger or maybe we will end up as just friends. But one thing I do know unless he says he dont want me around I will always be there, what I feel now is unconditional I dont expect anything back at this moment in time ..........

 

[samsara]

I know in my case, my lover (sufferer) has taught me so much and if it were not for him, I don’t think I would have succeeded as much in life as I have for having met him. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been tough but I worked out a way of turning the anger into positives and the fear into strength. That should be the case with all aspects of life. Face it head on, get from it what you can, the moon will continue to rise and the sun will continue to shine.

“Even after ALL this time, the Sun never says to the Earth – ‘You owe me!’

With LOVE like that, you can light up the WHOLE sky!”

All in all though, he’s never raised his voice at me and never lifted a finger toward me. The toughest times have been the shut outs – though they are less and less. And the more beautiful times? When I realised that I had no control over falling in love with him, that we have a connection that borders on mental telepathy. And moreover, when I realised that I could open my heart, and still have energy for myself, protect myself not with a shield, but with understanding. I’m a tough bitch one might say, but with a heart of gold for the taking if you deserve it, that’s how I protect myself – I save on emotional fuel.



I have never been given this feeling of understanding that my lover gives me. I don’t have to say anything and he thinks it or vice versa. Every case is different, but I feel like my life is 100 times better for having known him. He’s sweet, and calm and beautiful. He’s had a shit childhood and decided a long time ago that he was a fighter. I challenge him to challenge himself. I can do that because he actually trusts me 100%. It took three years of separation to get there – Two of those with no contact. Yeah we’ve been through our ups and downs, and we’ll have more. But you know what, so does every relationship. Life is hard, you have to work at it to make it better. It’s deal or no deal, and I’m surprised that more people don’t wise up to that.

It depends were you are at. From my experience, I don’t agree that a lot of people are attracted to ill people, I really don’t. Our relationship started just as Andre suggested. We had the hots for each other, couldn’t get enough of each other, shit hit the fan, the rest is history. But that shit had everything to do with me as it did with him. And for the most part, though I would never really know, it had very little to do with the PTSD. What I’m saying is, relationships take two, both are responsible for playing their part, both are responsible for making them work, and communication is key.

 

[spiritofnow]

I guess this subject is subjective as most of life is, it's all down to that one individuals perception and the experiences that have lead them there.

I feel very strongly about this!.......

What if something special came along before you realised that you needed to fix yourself? What if something beautiful comes along while you are fixing? Do you reject the experience because you fear messing it up? No way, embracing it is part of the challenge to fixing yourself! Rejecting what could be good for you is what we always do!

Life is not perfect as we are all more than aware of - you can't always control, when, how, and with whom. As long as the prospect of sharing with someone is not potentially hurtful to others' then I believe we are just as worthy. Just as Samsara suggessted.

However, I do realise that depending on what part of your journey you are on can dictate how you feel, I feel it is vital to remember that there are NEVER any promises in life except those we make to ourselves. Promise to learn to learn to love yourself and embrace the things in life that challenge you!

Remember that each of 'us' is more than a PTSD label; funny, intelligent, insightful, kind, quiet, creative, beautiful, a good friend, empathetic, caring, loving, energetic, considerate, loyal, trustworth etc etc.........Why deny these parts of you that deserve to be loved or that can be bestowed onto another human being?

So, we should not deny that which we deserve (this is the hardest part)

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

Oppps,

Remember that each of 'us' is more than a PTSD label. PTSD is one aspect of 'us' ( I do understand that it can be all consuming, but I think that this is imporatnt to remember). PTSD does not define you , it is not the whole of you. I am Vicky (AKA Spiritofnow), Mum, friend, student, sister, grand-daughter, survivor and fighter. How about these people; funny, intelligent, insightful, strong, kind, creative, beautiful, good friend, empathetic, caring, loving, energetic, considerate, loyal, trustworthy etc etc. Don't all of these parts deserve to be loved and to love back the best they can?

Spirit x

 

[upstream]

Not every one knows the person they are dating has PTSD , not in the beginning anyway , I certainly didn't

If you don't mind sharing, may I ask how you reacted to the news? Were you upset that he wasn't upfront with this?

 

[Nicolette]

Your point of view is very true Vicky.... you are more than a PTSD label. Each of us has unique and beautiful characteristics. Well said.

Upstream, I would like to say to you that Anthony told me about his PTSD fairly soon after I started dating him. At the time I did not think much of it nor did I rush out to find out what it really entailed as he seemed 'pretty normal'. It was not until there was a lot of stress in our relationship that PTSD reared its head and I got a taste of what it was all about....not much fun :rolleyes:.

Knowing what I know now, would I go back and change things if I could, well, I fell in love and that makes it different. If I wasn't with Anthony and knew what I now know about PTSD would I make a different decision at the start....I don't know other than knowing I would want to know a lot more about what stage of PTSD the sufferer was at eg...full blown untreated, treated, mild etc.

 

[FallenAngel]

Upstream

Suppose i should explain, briefly, he was moody from the day we met ( but admitted it lol ) , didn't sleep much , nighmares, easily aggitated by other people ( not me ) ect , but he admitted he had those, anyway a few months ago he started to get violent headaches which led to visits to the Doc, folllowing tests the Doc said he thought the headaches were a symptom of depression, my fella laughs and says he has nothing to be depressed about but admitted he did get low sometimes.......... futher tests and a councilor , he tells me they have diganosed him with PTSD , although he openly told me thats really all that was said. If i'm honest I dont know if this was a first diagnosis or a way of him telling me......... but when we first met he was very open and honest about other things so I dont really have any cause to doubt this is also the first he knew of it. So to finally answer your question I was not hurt or upset and neither would I be if he had know all along , just glad he trusted me enough to tell me.....

We have limited contact at the moment , he has shut me down , feels numb and has no feelings for anyone , in a dark place he say's, I have read on here about uncontrolled PTSD and the affects during early treatment , but maybe my questions on that should be in another post.

All I know is I will support as much as I can or should I say as much as he will let me...... But it is hard when i dont know that much about PTSD or what his bounderies are, I suppose only time will tell on that one