Why Didn't I Say No? Need To Share.

[Seagreen]

That is so creepy! You did the right thing in following your instincts and not saying 'no'. I think it was the best thing to keep you safe at the time. You have handled the whole situation very well.

I'm glad that the company are going taking this very seriously. If he was released on a technicality does that mean his criminal record would also be erased? Maybe that is how he could have passed their background checks. Sorry if that sounds dumb.. I'm not very educated on legal matters.

 

[City Slicker]

Wow and congratulations too for trusting your instincts and doing what you did to keep yourself safe (yes, including letting hi buy you a burrito). Also, props to you for calling your therapist and talking over what happened.

 

[Larksong]

@Justmehere First I have to tell you that you are one of the people on this forum I most admire--you so often take time to share a lot of important, and very thoughtful, insights with others, and I've gotten the benefit of that many times. A lot of what I've learned about how things might look to the man I love with ptsd, and how I can show him I care, has been because you've been brave, open, and eloquent about sharing your experiences. So thank you!

If it helps to hear from someone who doesn't have ptsd, I truly doubt I could have handled it any better than you did in this awful, scary, bizarre situation. I would have been confused and frightened by him too. It's very very hard to appear to argue with someone in that situation. I once was abroad and got into a cab and the driver kept trying to get me to go see some tourist site his relative ran, way out of my way, and one I had no interest in. I kept telling him that, and he became very insulting, like "What's wrong with you that you don't want to go there?" All this time we were speeding down a major highway! I got to my destination OK, but it was incredibly stressful. I was also thinking, OK what do I have to say or do to get him to just drop me off safely where I want to go?

In your situation, I would have been thinking too, "Is it safe for me to say anything to the clinic? Maybe not because he has to drive me home..." All your concerns and actions were perfectly reasonable. He was the one with the power, you were dependent on him to get you from one place to another safely and professionally, as many of us are with all kinds of public transportation people. Simply put: You were the customer, it was his job to ensure your safety and comfort, and he failed to do that job properly. In fact, he did it so badly that he breached his employer's trust and yours as a customer by violating the norms of basic human decency.

The choices you made were the ones that seemed best likely to get you home safely. You were responsible to yourself to do that, and you did it successfully. And your call to the agency was completely appropriate and necessary--that was part of protecting yourself, which is a completely rational and positive thing to do. You achieved all your goals: You got home safely, you took steps to assure your continued safety, and you spoke up because someone needed to. And you did it all in what sounds like a remarkably calm and collected way, despite the feelings his behavior stirred up.

He is the one who deserves to feel bad, not you. Even if he isn't a murderer, his behavior is completely unacceptable, it's harassment, and his supervisor needs to discipline him. You've done not only yourself a favor by reporting him, you've helped many other people you don't even know. To me, all of this is heroism.

Hugs, admiration and support!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why didn't you say no?

Our reactionary systems are WAAAY out of whack. That means that for me, sometimes I overreact, and other times I underreact. I think that part of it may also deal with the fight/flight/freeze mechanism. The overreaction is the "fight" and the underreaction is the "freeze".

Please try to not beat yourself up for doing the wrong thing. You ARE doing the right thing now. I don't mean to say this in a "blame PTSD" way (as in you have no control over it), but yeah, BLAME PTSD! I think that by recognizing this as a result of the abuse you endured, you can perhaps lessen the self blame and instead say "because of what happened to me in the past, I have these sorts of reactions now....But, I am learning from them and hopefully in the future I'll be able to react to such situations differently".

 

[Friday]

Wow and congratulations too for trusting your instincts and doing what you did to keep yourself safe (yes, including letting hi buy you a burrito). Also, props to you for calling your therapist and talking over what happened.

^^^^^^^^
This.

I was super lucky to have had the opportunity once in my life that let me try "everything". You know, all the "Why didn't I do ______?" things we think of after the fact, after we've survived, under the theory that doing XYZ would have made a terrible situation less terrible.

Completely ignoring the fact that what we did do led us to this point right here : Still. Alive.

And that many of the "Why didn't I do ______?" Options come along with the whole injury, maiming, & death thing. Not just unicorns and rainbows, but also in making a bad situation exponentially worse.

I learned that the hard way. I got lucky, though, as I said. While I often made things much worse for myself trying these flights of fancy out, each time I infuriated them enough to actually kill me, they always managed to restart my heart or pump the water out of my lungs.

Let's look at what you did right :

Everything. From the word go.

Are there some things you've learned? For sure.
- You prefer riding in the back of hired cars, and now know that in the future, that's where you'll place yourself.
- While you trust your med clinic medically, you don't trust that their judgement will be in line with your needs (may dismiss rational threats, or overreact to irrational threats), so while a safe place to go to, if you need advice you cannot depend on them for shelter and counsel.
- Asking for help when you want it / it would be useful or a shortcut or simply make things better or easier you still need to work on. But when you need help? When the rubber meets the road? Dayum, lady! You're right there swinging! Good. On. You. Be proud of yourself. You took appropriate action, acted on initiative, listened to good advice, followed instruction, and followed through. Hell yes. You needed help, and you were an active participant in your own rescue. Didn't try and do it all yourself, or wait for someone to save you. You were, instead, a strong member of a team. One who evaluated, assessed, and kicked some serious ass by neither overestimating or underestimating yourself. Again, hell yeah. You did good. :D
- That you can trust yourself. Your instincts and your assessments.

 

[Neverthesame]

Holy crap!
I wish I had something more useful to tell you, other than. Good for you, listening to your intuition about the guy. I hope this turns out well for you, thinking good things for you.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you so much for the support everyone.

Long story short, it has been confirmed he is the convicted murderer and he has an ankle bracelet on 24/7 and lives in a locked facility at night... and drives the disabled and the sickest of the sick during the day. 4 state agencies and 2 law enforcement entities had to screw up for him to have the job he did. There are new events and I can't say more about it right now.

I'm so triggered and symptomatic it's really intense. My counselor has been checking in on me often, without my asking. I think she is actually a bit spooked too. It looks like there really is no increased danger to me at this time, but still... I'm upset and angry and furious.

 

[Nam]

I would be furious too. I am so glad you listened to yourself. You were instrumental in finding holes in the hiring process, so you helped a great deal there, but, the biggie is you prevented future harm to not only yourself but other potential victims. Bravo!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I saw your other post and am wondering if what you mentioned was in relation to this post....I'm so sorry for all that you're going through right now. I can't imagine what its like being thrown all of these things at once. I know it must be incredibly stressful for you, so I want to urge you to do a lot of self-care. I mean do whatever it is in order to make yourself feel safe. I don't think that right now is the time to be pushing yourself forward in any aspect of your life as you've been hit with a lot. I think that its time to more or less stop and regroup, do whatever it is that you personally need so that you can regain a sense of safety and stability. My heart really does go out to you.

On the flip side, you may have a legal case because so many public agencies let you down and put you into the hands of a convicted murderer. I'm not saying to get sue-happy, but yes, something needs to be shaken up so that this sort of thing doesn't happen again. Even an anonymous phone call to a number of local news agencies might do the trick.

 

[RussH]

@Justmehere I want to say that I am glad you are ok. I think this is something that would freak out someone without PTSD, much less someone suffering with it.

To answer your question about why you didn't say no: Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? Sometimes the need for acceptance puts us in a mental place where we go out of our way to please others so they accept us. I am not saying this is you, but it could be one reason it is hard to say no.

Just a thought.

 

[intothelight]

@Justmehere You absolutely responded appropriately and it is great that you trusted your own instincts and checked the guy out and reported it. You really did an amazing job of handling the entire situation.

 

[Kintsugi]

JMH--all I can say is holy freaking gingersnaps. I am very, very proud of you. I am sending you millions of gift-wrapped hugs. I look people up, too, especially in the town I live in now. Predators abound. I have found criminal records. But that this guy was hired by this company while he was wearing an ankle bracelet and living in a locked facility? I can only hope that this furthers the case against him if there will be another.

What a creep. What a predator. What an awful experience.

Please keep us updated. I care about you and want to see you safe, supported, and happy. You deserve all of these things. I am sorry that so many tiers of protections failed you. I am so proud that you were integral in stopping this guy from creating a new victim. Sometimes I feel like Colossus, from X-Men, or like Wolverine. I am already afflicted by PTSD, already affected, already mutated, and I want to shield those who are untouched from trauma. You did that in this situation. You put your foot down on this. You took action. Who knows how many others were in a situation like this with this man but said nothing? Who knows who might have been the next target, and if it would have gone so much worse?

Proud, proud, proud. Good on you. I'm sending you all my warm, safe thoughts. :hug: