• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Why Do I Do This And Feel Nothing?

Status
Not open for further replies.

gonegirl

Learning
My diagnosed PTSD is caused by the traumatic death (witnessed) of my dearest friend. To cut a long story short i never believed even in light of all evidence that she would actually die. So now i find myself obsessively watching medical trauma programmes on TV. I can only do this on my own like a guilty secret.I think i am ashamed that people might think that i am faking my PTSD if i can watch that sort of potentially triggering content. I do have physical reactions when watching.. my heart races i get itchy and restless and anxious but it's almost like I'm testing myself. .."see you can cope".
I wonder if this is also dissociation? Or is it trying to make sense of something my brain won't let me understand? I'm confused by my actions and responses. Does anyone else do this?
 
I believe that what you are doing is a self form of exposure therapy, I am going through self exposure as well. I have had to move back to my home town that I grew up in, This town is where all my abuse trauma issues are seated. Every day I wake up I am literally exposing myself to re - traumatization, I feel very little when I walk the streets of this town now yet for 25 years nearly I could not even come here.

I send :hug:s from Devon if you accept them

Laurie
 
I agree with @Santa_Laurie. But I also found that for me potentially triggering media actually made me feel less alone/helped me understand my situation. I'm a victim of multiple rapes, some at the hands of some pretty sadistic individuals. Law and Order SVU and Criminal Minds/other crime dramas are some of my favorite things to watch. I think I started watching SVU to see police officers who handled the situation well as those involved with my history didn't. Criminal minds helps me understand some of what happened to me, but a lot of crime dramas where part of the trope is 'rush in at the last minute and save the day/rescue the captive' obviously speak to the desire that things would have turned out different/hope that sometimes they do.

Maybe part of it is you trying to work through the event and see other outcomes?

At any rate, it can be really difficult not to be ashamed of things like that. I got there really slowly, and part of the process for me personally was to figure out what sorts of media were triggering to me and why. That helped me to be able to explain it to someone if they challenged me. And once I could explain it to friends they realized that their assumptions were really inaccurate in my case.
 
But I also found that for me potentially triggering media actually made me feel less alone/helped me understand my situation.

I relate to this. Yes, probably somewhat the idea of exposure or like trying to understand or master on some level. But especially when younger I really gravitated towards scenarios that somewhat resembled one of my traumas because it did make it more "real" in a way to see that others suffered too. It wasn't just me in my weird, isolated bubble of experience that I couldn't totally believe.
 
I don't usually have a problem with bodies. Even living mangled ones. My stressors, the things that trigger my panic or anxiety attacks or flashbacks, tend to be other things. Even though it would make sense that bodies in their various states might be a stressor given my background, they usually just aren't

That said... I generally don't avoid my stressors or triggers, either. I fiddle with them. Like poking a sore spot in your mouth. Flirt around the edges of them. Keep chipping away at their ability to affect me. It's called spiking, or exposure therapy, and it's the only thing I've ever found that really works.

Link Removed
 
Yes that all makes sense. Testing boundaries seeking clarification not just of the trauma event itself but the reasons why and where triggers start. I feel better that this is just not something weird i do. The things i avoid are really the mundane things in life that most people would consider non threatening. Strange how this works isn't it ? .thank you all for sharing your experiences of media exposure with me
 
I'm not all that bothered by death, unless it's close and/or particularly disrespectful, but then that's more of an anger issue than trigger per se. Suffering people? Whole different picture. Images in my head & empathy? Yet another whole clusterf-.
 
I don't exactly know why you do this, but I've done this as well in a similar way. I can understand the feelings behind it. I think it validates that you do have PTSD rather than makes me think you don't.
 
I think it's good to remember too that there are no 'right' or 'wrong' triggers. I'm good in crisis but one of the triggers I can't kick are Christmas trees. We're complex people with a disorder that doesn't always look like the stereotypes.
 
So tonight i snuggled down with husband on sofa to watch a film . At one point in the film the main character gets really agitated and starts to scratch at his arms until they bleed. From this point on the elephant in the room was ignored by myself and husband as we both know that this is my main distress reaction preceeding flashbacks. but then i noticed my wrist looked swollen . This quickly escalated into full blown panic that all my body was swelling immediately returning me to my trauma incident back in ICU . 2 hours later and i am medicated and calm again although of course i have scratched my arms and legs raw again. However i now feel massively guilty because i only get to spend 2 evenings a week with husband and the weekend always seems to involve me having a meltdown Maybe i should just stick to watching the shopping channel
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top