My diagnosed PTSD is caused by the traumatic death (witnessed) of my dearest friend. To cut a long story short i never believed even in light of all evidence that she would actually die. So now i find myself obsessively watching medical trauma programmes on TV. I can only do this on my own like a guilty secret.I think i am ashamed that people might think that i am faking my PTSD if i can watch that sort of potentially triggering content. I do have physical reactions when watching.. my heart races i get itchy and restless and anxious but it's almost like I'm testing myself. .."see you can cope".
I wonder if this is also dissociation? Or is it trying to make sense of something my brain won't let me understand? I'm confused by my actions and responses. Does anyone else do this?
I wonder if this is also dissociation? Or is it trying to make sense of something my brain won't let me understand? I'm confused by my actions and responses. Does anyone else do this?