Why Do I Feel Like It's Insignificant?

[shimmerz]

in therapy it is sort of controlled.

......and you learn how to release the memories so that they are not 'emotion driven' but instead just a memory.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If I have a headache, telling myself that others have it worse is not going to make the pain go away. I have to take Tylenol to get rid of the pain.

The pain really collapsed me in the beginning of my therapy process and I knew that I needed help.

After years of dealing with my issues, I was ready to quit therapy and began to learn how to think and take care of myself and I have some common sense now and so many other benefits.

For me the therapy process helped me to turn into a real person and not a fake one that I was previously, not saying that this is happening to you.

Common sense is good and I value this thread for I have learned so much.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @RussH I needed to read this.

As for it being insignigicant doing therapy, and reliving the trauma; we have to go back and reconcile those memories, or we are doomed to relive then again, and again when we get triggered, so, at least, in therapy it is sort of controlled.

 

[xena21]

For me, I feel responsible for so much of it, I just don't want pity or sympathy for something I feel at fault for. And I also feel that focusing on it does nothing to change any of it anyway, so what's the point.

That sounds almost like it came right out of my head. I feel so responsible for much of my trauma. Having people pity me or anything like that seems ridiculous and I feel guilty having any kind of sympathy. Like you say, too, bringing it all up now isn't going to do anything. It's been so long that I can't imagine anything changing for the better.

I obviously relate well to this line of thinking. I do know from going to therapy despite the urge to stop, that supposedly processing the trauma even though it happened a while ago is supposed to change things for the better. We may not see it right away because of the energy it takes to go through it, but in the end we are supposed to see a big difference. This is what my therapist tells me.

 

[Mystery]

I really appreciate this thread too. It is making me contemplate why I have always disengaged from therapy in the past. I think that the early stages of therapy are about building trust and safety. Then we start building a narrative that involves using our intellect to dissect experiences and give them a name and a place.

Then, well I do anyway, I get to a point where I know intellectually, this and that happened, it was not my 'fault' that people were cruel and damaged me. I know intellectually that we are all precious souls, me included. I can even forgive myself for the mistakes I made in not protecting and looking after myself.

What happens then for me is, that I am left with the task of changing my belief systems, which I know intellectually I'm supposed to do but the imprinting I received in my childhood makes that really difficult. To use a computer analogy, I came to adulthood with a virus. The virus has deleted my diagnose and repair facility. When I try to install antivirus software, there is no connection for it to launch itself from. Does that make sense? How do I find and repair the files, when I need a find and repair program to do it?

 

[Suzetig]

It does make sense, I too have gained a good deal of insight into why I struggle the way I do, but have never been able to fix the bit of me that feels like its wired wrongly. My therapist says that's the purpose and function of the therapeutic relationship - using your analogy it's like a bolted on find and repair programme to make up for the one that got deleted. I of course have left therapy every time my symptoms have got better, and haven't ever been able to invest in what would become a therapeutic relationship. This time I'm planning to hang on in there and see if it does in fact work.

 

[Mystery]

Me too Suzetig, it's a huge investment that I've finally come to accept, I have to make. That's exactly what I've always done, symptom management. I go to therapy in a crisis and stop when the crisis is over. I can't keep living in the default mode of no debilitating symptoms. The other thing that stopped me was not having the luxury of being able to 'get worse' before it gets better. There were four children to raise on my own, so default looked good for a long time. Not any more!

 

[Suzetig]

I know what you mean about not being able to afford it getting worse, i have a fear that i'll be completely overwhelmed - which my therapist knows about. In dealing with my initial crisis she has taken great care to make sure I'm stable before leaving session even if that means going over time. I know she can be trusted to keep me safe in what feels like a scary process.

It is a huge investment and one not to be made lightly, good for you in making that decision and good luck, perhaps we can support each other in what comes next.

 

[Mystery]

That would be great Suzetig, thankyou. I'm so afraid of letting this define me. In two days I have to go to my general practitioner, act really together, not show any tremors or weakness, explain my goals, demonstrate insight then ask him to sign a form to say I'm mentally fit to work in the healthcare profession. This is the same Dr who wrote me a referral to a trauma specialist earlier in the year.

I'm trying my best to focus only on today and let go of the outcome but to contemplate going back to menial underpaid work for the rest of my life stirs up such sadness. If I am forced to accept that, my whole worldview will change in two days time and I will grieve for a while like I haven't for years. I had no idea this would happen when I joined this site a couple of weeks ago. Thanks goodness I did. :-)