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Why Do Parents Hate Their Kids?
- Post starter raven123
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somuchpain
Bronze Member
This is my first post. Both of my parents hate me quite a lot. I've been treated for several years for PTSD and/or GAD. This thread is the first I've ever heard of "grounding". I don't know where to start. I just visited my parents for the first time in many years, at their pleading and promises to reimburse my expenses due to my inability to otherwise pay my medical expenses. After a couple days they explained that their hatred of me was beyond explanation, they had decided to not reimburse me, though they're millionaires, and they couldn't stand my presence for another minute. Now that I'm back home I decided to seek help on the Internet. So here I am (probably in the wrong place/thread).
Hi somuchpain,
Welcome to the forum. maybe if you can find the introduction thread that might be a good place to start here...let us get to know you. :) It's at the top of the forum page under Welcome area.
Dear Somuchpain,
I hear you. Rejection, by people who are supposed to love you, creates a life long wound and a block to intimacy on many levels.
Firstly, I want to say their behaviour is NOT your fault. It is not true. They lie. It is entirely their warped choice to behave that way.
Secondly, why do some parents behave so hatefully? I think (not an expert at all) that parents hate in their children what they hate in themselves. It can start simply, they see through glasses of hate and self rejection that they are not aware of coming from their pasts. Then, what they think they see is really highly distorted. They may never heal from inflicting wounds on you. They are killing their own souls. Hatred is like a type of acid.
My mother hated me too. She tried to kill me several times, I think your parents are mentally ill. How can it be that innocent prescious babies and children are treated like dogs. How can it be that your parents cannot reflect your inner beauty back to you with faces of joy. It is their handicap, their failure, their selfishness, their cruelty.
You cannot have done or not done anything that would make sane parents behave this way. You are totally innocent. every child drops a glass, knocks over a plant,....etc. These child moments are not a sane basis for hatred. What ever crap they throw at you actually sticks to them.
If you don't like reading about God stuff, ust let the rest of this go. You are what matters and not a particular belief system.
Have you ever read in the Bible , in St. Paul's letters," Put on the full armor of Christ, the helmet of salvation,( which means that your parents cannot remove the good in you. It is a free gift from Jesus, you cannot earn it, we all don't deserve it. It is His loving choice to give us eternal life safe with him) The breast plate of righteousness( righteousness comes from God and protects you. Your parents cannot damage your soul which you share with God.). I encourage you to read on and see how to apply the rest of the armor of Christ to help keep you safe from harmful words, looks, and deeds. You were made to be loved by God. We both have to work hard to learn even what love is.
somuchpain
Bronze Member
My love of John the Baptist and Christ will never carry over to Paul. But that is another long discussion. The hatred I've suffered from birth, from my athiestic parents, is so far beyond what would ever be tolerated today, I doubt most people here that feel they've suffered abuse could possibly imagine. To speak of a single catagory, such as their attempts at my death, would be endless. So God has at least mocked their competence. I really do appreciate your sympathy. But I think my chances at knowing human love have passed. My ignorance of it to blame. I wish something legal could make the pain stay under control. Thanks again.
I can understand why you feel like that. My mother trying to kill me several times still hurts. It is the most basic level of trust that has been broken again and again. Without trust, love is hard to let one's self to love another. Your ignorance of true love is not a permanent condition. When you can work on trust, especially trust of yourself, you will find that you can eventually learn to trust. My first T helped me to understand the numb, distant and defensive way I had approached life. Very slowly I began to dare to trust a few people who were not judgmental.
Even when we can't feel it, there is hope. Jesus teaches this. Remember the walk to Emmaus when two old men, fathers of two disciples, were walking worried about the future. A man came up to them and asked them what they were talking about. Their answer," Are you the only person who does not know what happened here this day". Remember, Jesus was thought to still be in the tomb. He told them about scripture, O.T. and Psalms. They invited him to dine with them. They recognized him in the breaking of bread and Jesus disappeared. His deeply felt concern for these two men was more important than even his Resurrection. He loves us even when we cannot dream of it. He will always love you and lead you into the truth. God loves you and will never betray you. That is the truth. God is love.
Don't trip
Silver Member
This thread has had a powerful impact on me, Raven
I'm so sorry that all of you experienced such trauma. I've learned a lot about my own family of origin, the dynamics and personalities.
My sperm donor is a psychopath. I believe this to be genetic and it is weaved throughout generations in my family. My mother was a narcissist. My siblings both exhibit strong pathological traits.
What does this mean? Well, we can't go around diagnosing people, but to know I was living with so much disorder, wasn't rocket science and did not require a psychiatrist. Most pathological individuals will never get a diagnosis because they don' t believe there is anything wrong with them. The characteristics in lack of empathy, remorse, guilt or regret, distinct patterns of abuse, exploitation, manipulation and sabotage, and more are intense with these people.
Your question is so interesting. "Hate" being the key word. I often share that I was the target of hate. I was a highly sensitive child, an introvert by nature. I was the family scapegoat. What's really screwed up about this, is that I often feel I can't share my story without being told that I love to portray myself as the victim. But that's exactly what the scapegoat role means. Unless you have been a target of that kind of pathological hatred, it's nigh impossible to verbalize what it's like. It's hard, if not impossible to imagine having a parent who cannot love. It's the epitome of evil.
I had no safety as a child or adolescent either. I was molested by my sperm donor, stepfather, neighbor. Raped by my first boyfriend and sexually abused by both of my ex-pathologicals. My mother did not protect me, instead when I finally gathered up the courage to tell her what my stepfather was doing to me, she slapped me so hard, calling me a liar, I thought my head might go rolling. It was an insane rage I've not experienced since. She told me I was grounded for lying and that I would have to tell my stepfather my lie and what I'd said. The next day, on my way to school, having to pass their bedroom on the way to the bathroom, she called me in. Sure enough, fat ass and she lie there in bed, looking at me, smirking. She said, "K, repeat to R what you told me yesterday". I did and they began laughing at me and he said, "I never touched you, now get to school and you're grounded indefinitely"....
I shut down after that. I remember a feeling of extreme chest heaviness, a pain so great, I could not breathe. Hard to describe
I won't go into the longer details of what happened after this, as the abuse continued after I moved to my sperm donor's house after my big revelation. Instead of my stepfather, it was my sperm donor who was sexually abusing me. I knew, after that, that no one was safe anymore. My mother bought me a diary when I was about ten or so. I loved it, it had a lock and everything. I loved writing (and am a writer today), as it was salve for me. But my mother purchased it intentionally to trap me. She read every single word, as did my siblings, and eventually my stepmother and both of my ex psychopath's in adulthood.
As a child, Raven, I was not able to comprehend the level of evil my sperm donor was. He is still the same today, although I've only had two points of contact in the last five years. Neither of which I've initiated. I haven't spoken at all to my siblings for that long either. The last time my sperm donor attempted contact was about five weeks ago now, to update his will. He is rather wealthy and this was a source of contention for me. He could not control me with his money. He hates me now because of that. But when he text me to glean information from me to update the will, he could not even do that without seething contempt. Everything he said to me, was a projection of who he is, not me. If I'd still had contact, I would not be able to discern it now. I internalized his hatred of me, as well as my mother's.
For many years, I told myself that my childhood was over and that it had nothing to do with me as an adult. Nor my choices. It wasn't until the last psychopath in my life, that I realized I was completely broken. I chose a man who was exactly like my father, right down to career choice and the things he said and had done to me, which were right out of a pathological textbook. Without empathy, these individuals are utterly predictable. But as a child, there is no way to discern.
There is a quote I read the other day that had a powerful impact on me, "It is easier to build strong children, than it is to repair broken men."~ Frederick Douglas.
When we're the targets of hate, and without one safe person, or someone who steps into our lives and shows us by example what love is, we walk into adulthood at major deficits. For me, even life skills is an issue. I do not react appropriately with some people, and I have uncontrollable knee jerk reactions to abuse or any type of implied abusive behavior. My sperm donor sabotaged all my efforts at independence. The sentence he uttered the most with me was, "You'll never stay committed to anything. You'll always fail'. He sabotaged my attempts to better myself, from employment to going to college. I remember while still married to psychopath number1, I had started college full time, taking care of my six kids, etc, and after one full and very busy term, I managed to score a perfect 4.0. I was so proud of myself. It was the first time I ever recognized I had a remote amount of intelligence.
My father invited us over for dinner one night and we went. I proudly carried that report card with me and was going to show my sperm donor that he could be proud of me. When I presented it to him at dinner, a look of rage came over his face: "You think you're smart, K? How long will your enthusiasm last this time?"
My psychopathic ex said nothing to defend me. Not one word, he sat there and ate like nothing had ever been said. I got up from the table and went into the bathroom and started to cry. I knew better than to have any emotional outbursts in front of him, because I realized that when I would react, he would abuse more.
I understand what you mean behind the suicidal thinking. My T describes it as 'passive suicidal ideation". The only thing that prevents this is my children. I don't want them to have to question and wonder 'why' Mom offed herself.
Raven, in speaking just from my own perspective...I don't think I'll ever 'get over it'. Would we ask the same of someone who had a good childhood? Just 'get over it'? How many times have you heard others family stories, filled with love and heartwarming compassion, along with encouragement to personal growth and tell this person to 'get over it'? I've learned that people do not know what to say when I say "I'll never 'get over it". Saying anything less than what I really think and feel is perceived as 'negative' in a society that is all about superficial anecdotes that mean they don't have to look at their own lacking, let alone someone else. The 'positive thinking tyranny' can be just as damaging to me as the 'negative' because it's shaming me for not being able to pick up the pieces of someone else's shit dumped into my life (sperm donor), and be 'positive' about it.
I think learning to accept what happened, and then to focus on self care, and working with whatever limitations we have because of it, is the best alternative. How anyone could believe that we should most definitely embrace a great childhood, and speak of it in flowery terms of intoxicating reflection, while pouring pounds of shame on to survivors of abuse if they can't do the same is just a tad unrealistic. But it's what's expected in a narcissistic society.
My sperm donor hated me. As did my mother. But I don't have to accept their rejection and hatred as a reflection of me, although I know it's much easier said than done. Peace to you..
I'm so sorry that all of you experienced such trauma. I've learned a lot about my own family of origin, the dynamics and personalities.
My sperm donor is a psychopath. I believe this to be genetic and it is weaved throughout generations in my family. My mother was a narcissist. My siblings both exhibit strong pathological traits.
What does this mean? Well, we can't go around diagnosing people, but to know I was living with so much disorder, wasn't rocket science and did not require a psychiatrist. Most pathological individuals will never get a diagnosis because they don' t believe there is anything wrong with them. The characteristics in lack of empathy, remorse, guilt or regret, distinct patterns of abuse, exploitation, manipulation and sabotage, and more are intense with these people.
Your question is so interesting. "Hate" being the key word. I often share that I was the target of hate. I was a highly sensitive child, an introvert by nature. I was the family scapegoat. What's really screwed up about this, is that I often feel I can't share my story without being told that I love to portray myself as the victim. But that's exactly what the scapegoat role means. Unless you have been a target of that kind of pathological hatred, it's nigh impossible to verbalize what it's like. It's hard, if not impossible to imagine having a parent who cannot love. It's the epitome of evil.
I had no safety as a child or adolescent either. I was molested by my sperm donor, stepfather, neighbor. Raped by my first boyfriend and sexually abused by both of my ex-pathologicals. My mother did not protect me, instead when I finally gathered up the courage to tell her what my stepfather was doing to me, she slapped me so hard, calling me a liar, I thought my head might go rolling. It was an insane rage I've not experienced since. She told me I was grounded for lying and that I would have to tell my stepfather my lie and what I'd said. The next day, on my way to school, having to pass their bedroom on the way to the bathroom, she called me in. Sure enough, fat ass and she lie there in bed, looking at me, smirking. She said, "K, repeat to R what you told me yesterday". I did and they began laughing at me and he said, "I never touched you, now get to school and you're grounded indefinitely"....
I shut down after that. I remember a feeling of extreme chest heaviness, a pain so great, I could not breathe. Hard to describe
I won't go into the longer details of what happened after this, as the abuse continued after I moved to my sperm donor's house after my big revelation. Instead of my stepfather, it was my sperm donor who was sexually abusing me. I knew, after that, that no one was safe anymore. My mother bought me a diary when I was about ten or so. I loved it, it had a lock and everything. I loved writing (and am a writer today), as it was salve for me. But my mother purchased it intentionally to trap me. She read every single word, as did my siblings, and eventually my stepmother and both of my ex psychopath's in adulthood.
As a child, Raven, I was not able to comprehend the level of evil my sperm donor was. He is still the same today, although I've only had two points of contact in the last five years. Neither of which I've initiated. I haven't spoken at all to my siblings for that long either. The last time my sperm donor attempted contact was about five weeks ago now, to update his will. He is rather wealthy and this was a source of contention for me. He could not control me with his money. He hates me now because of that. But when he text me to glean information from me to update the will, he could not even do that without seething contempt. Everything he said to me, was a projection of who he is, not me. If I'd still had contact, I would not be able to discern it now. I internalized his hatred of me, as well as my mother's.
For many years, I told myself that my childhood was over and that it had nothing to do with me as an adult. Nor my choices. It wasn't until the last psychopath in my life, that I realized I was completely broken. I chose a man who was exactly like my father, right down to career choice and the things he said and had done to me, which were right out of a pathological textbook. Without empathy, these individuals are utterly predictable. But as a child, there is no way to discern.
There is a quote I read the other day that had a powerful impact on me, "It is easier to build strong children, than it is to repair broken men."~ Frederick Douglas.
When we're the targets of hate, and without one safe person, or someone who steps into our lives and shows us by example what love is, we walk into adulthood at major deficits. For me, even life skills is an issue. I do not react appropriately with some people, and I have uncontrollable knee jerk reactions to abuse or any type of implied abusive behavior. My sperm donor sabotaged all my efforts at independence. The sentence he uttered the most with me was, "You'll never stay committed to anything. You'll always fail'. He sabotaged my attempts to better myself, from employment to going to college. I remember while still married to psychopath number1, I had started college full time, taking care of my six kids, etc, and after one full and very busy term, I managed to score a perfect 4.0. I was so proud of myself. It was the first time I ever recognized I had a remote amount of intelligence.
My father invited us over for dinner one night and we went. I proudly carried that report card with me and was going to show my sperm donor that he could be proud of me. When I presented it to him at dinner, a look of rage came over his face: "You think you're smart, K? How long will your enthusiasm last this time?"
My psychopathic ex said nothing to defend me. Not one word, he sat there and ate like nothing had ever been said. I got up from the table and went into the bathroom and started to cry. I knew better than to have any emotional outbursts in front of him, because I realized that when I would react, he would abuse more.
I understand what you mean behind the suicidal thinking. My T describes it as 'passive suicidal ideation". The only thing that prevents this is my children. I don't want them to have to question and wonder 'why' Mom offed herself.
Raven, in speaking just from my own perspective...I don't think I'll ever 'get over it'. Would we ask the same of someone who had a good childhood? Just 'get over it'? How many times have you heard others family stories, filled with love and heartwarming compassion, along with encouragement to personal growth and tell this person to 'get over it'? I've learned that people do not know what to say when I say "I'll never 'get over it". Saying anything less than what I really think and feel is perceived as 'negative' in a society that is all about superficial anecdotes that mean they don't have to look at their own lacking, let alone someone else. The 'positive thinking tyranny' can be just as damaging to me as the 'negative' because it's shaming me for not being able to pick up the pieces of someone else's shit dumped into my life (sperm donor), and be 'positive' about it.
I think learning to accept what happened, and then to focus on self care, and working with whatever limitations we have because of it, is the best alternative. How anyone could believe that we should most definitely embrace a great childhood, and speak of it in flowery terms of intoxicating reflection, while pouring pounds of shame on to survivors of abuse if they can't do the same is just a tad unrealistic. But it's what's expected in a narcissistic society.
My sperm donor hated me. As did my mother. But I don't have to accept their rejection and hatred as a reflection of me, although I know it's much easier said than done. Peace to you..
I think I have over analyzed this one.
My father was/is? a psychopath. Thankfully I have very few dealing with him in life, but I do live in fear of him not being dead and finding me. That alone makes him incapable of love.
My mother was a drug addict. Maybe without the drugs, she might have been a decent person, who knows. Drugs were her primary love in life, so there was no room left for an accident baby that interfered with her partying.
My Grandmother hated the fact that I was reminder of her failure with her own kids who all ended up as drug addicts. Having to raise me because she failed at raising her own meant having to give up a nice retirement with her company. She never let me forget how bitter she was over that. "I already raised my kids, I shouldn't be having to do this again at my age blah blah blah."
My Grandfather. Well he tried. I think he really didn't know how. He is a textbook case of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I think he tried to practice love in action, but never actually felt it. He was also dangerously religious and thought everything was the result of demons not trauma and could be resolved with either prayer or a good exorcism. "If your emotional pain isn't cured right away by praying, you just aren't praying hard enough, and don't have enough faith."
My father was/is? a psychopath. Thankfully I have very few dealing with him in life, but I do live in fear of him not being dead and finding me. That alone makes him incapable of love.
My mother was a drug addict. Maybe without the drugs, she might have been a decent person, who knows. Drugs were her primary love in life, so there was no room left for an accident baby that interfered with her partying.
My Grandmother hated the fact that I was reminder of her failure with her own kids who all ended up as drug addicts. Having to raise me because she failed at raising her own meant having to give up a nice retirement with her company. She never let me forget how bitter she was over that. "I already raised my kids, I shouldn't be having to do this again at my age blah blah blah."
My Grandfather. Well he tried. I think he really didn't know how. He is a textbook case of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I think he tried to practice love in action, but never actually felt it. He was also dangerously religious and thought everything was the result of demons not trauma and could be resolved with either prayer or a good exorcism. "If your emotional pain isn't cured right away by praying, you just aren't praying hard enough, and don't have enough faith."
Don't trip
Silver Member
Fadeaway,
My father is a psychopath. No empathy, no guilt, no remorse, no regret. Exploitative, manipulative and intentionally harmful and sabotaging.
Ironically, I'm far more forgiving of my mother, believing that her hatred was a reflection of the hatred from her own mother.
But in my reality, having six kids of my own, despite all the hatred leveled at me, I don't 'hate' any of my six children. I love them all dearly and celebrate them as individuals. It's my own experience as a parent that provides some perspective, as well as knowledge of individuals without empathy. I can't imagine not loving my children. I can't imagine what it must feel like not too. This is where 'forgiveness' of my mother's lack of protection and abuse stop for me.
I know that when there is an abusive relationship that there is unintended consequences. I know my children experienced this at my hands because of my involvement. They all have experienced a level of trauma because of their exposure to abuse.
In the last four years, I've had to work very hard at making amends with them. This is where my own parents were an epic fail. My mother is dead, but my father lives and neither one of them apologized, expressed any regret or remorse for their behaviors and words.
There is no excuse for abuse in my opinion, only ways in trying to understand why. But I realize I never will because I don't know what it is not to have empathy.
I'm sorry your mother was an addict. There is so much pain involved in addiction. While I was reading what you were sharing, I thought....addictions are not limited to chemicals. I had an addiction to abusive men, that was just as powerful as drug or alcohol addiction. I was a heavy drinker during my second relationship, and had never touched the stuff before the relationship and not since. That was easier to break then my addiction to the man who coerced the drinking in the beginning....
Your Grandfather...ugh! I'm not a religious person, but I can't imagine what that kind of 'pushing' would have done to me as a child.
My father is a psychopath. No empathy, no guilt, no remorse, no regret. Exploitative, manipulative and intentionally harmful and sabotaging.
Ironically, I'm far more forgiving of my mother, believing that her hatred was a reflection of the hatred from her own mother.
But in my reality, having six kids of my own, despite all the hatred leveled at me, I don't 'hate' any of my six children. I love them all dearly and celebrate them as individuals. It's my own experience as a parent that provides some perspective, as well as knowledge of individuals without empathy. I can't imagine not loving my children. I can't imagine what it must feel like not too. This is where 'forgiveness' of my mother's lack of protection and abuse stop for me.
I know that when there is an abusive relationship that there is unintended consequences. I know my children experienced this at my hands because of my involvement. They all have experienced a level of trauma because of their exposure to abuse.
In the last four years, I've had to work very hard at making amends with them. This is where my own parents were an epic fail. My mother is dead, but my father lives and neither one of them apologized, expressed any regret or remorse for their behaviors and words.
There is no excuse for abuse in my opinion, only ways in trying to understand why. But I realize I never will because I don't know what it is not to have empathy.
I'm sorry your mother was an addict. There is so much pain involved in addiction. While I was reading what you were sharing, I thought....addictions are not limited to chemicals. I had an addiction to abusive men, that was just as powerful as drug or alcohol addiction. I was a heavy drinker during my second relationship, and had never touched the stuff before the relationship and not since. That was easier to break then my addiction to the man who coerced the drinking in the beginning....
Your Grandfather...ugh! I'm not a religious person, but I can't imagine what that kind of 'pushing' would have done to me as a child.
Eleanor
Diamond Member
@Don't trip, can you say what helped you identify the essential wrongness of how you were treated, not the painfulness at the time, that is overwhelming and horrible of course. But the realization later that the whole thing was just... Wrong. Clearly, this is a process that unfolds, but it seems like there was a tipping point and I'm wondering what shifted your perspective so that you could "see" the wrongness of it? And if you can say what that shift centered around or consisted in. I'm sorry, I'm probably not being very clear. It is hard to talk about this kind of thing. Let me try it another way; What I hear you saying is that for a long time you at least partly internalized the idea that there was something wrong with you and so their treatment of you was (shiver of horror) justified. And then something changed, and you could "see" that NOTHING they did or said to you or about you was justified. And that "shifted" the picture so things became clearer. Can you say (if there is some "thing" to say) what shifted in your emotions or thoughts that got you into the new "thinking space?"
Also, I find it helpful to remember that it is possible to be victimized without then internalizing an identity of being a victim. A great many people are victimized by others. It seems unavoidable if we deal with enough people for long enough. But being a victim to me means getting on the drama triangle and giving up our power to act on our own behalf in whatever effective way might be available. It sounds like @Fadeaway's grandfather (inadvertently?) victimized her (sorry to use the third person...Fadeaway! Can't figure out the grammar switch) by encouraging her to take responsibility for things she had no effective control over. And this is also what is wrong with the "get over it" response. It is well intentioned in that it aspires to support one's efforts to get out of being a victim but (seriously) misguided in that it doesn't offer any real support in dealing with the victimization or its fall out, or even acknowledge that serious harm was done. Goodness knows children can be and are victimized in all kinds of ways large and small by the adults in their lives. To admit that there are things we can't/couldn't control or undo is just true and realistic. AND it is important for healing to put our injuries into a timeframe - some things can be fully healed over time, others can be partly healed, others must simply be compensated for. Sorting out what is what is the tricky part. And it may change over time. So things I can't heal today, may be workable in a year or five. It is hard for most people to access that "big picture/long term" perspective. It is particularly hard for people who spent most of their youth surviving from day to day.
I recently learned a definition of hope at a conference. The researchers operationalized it in this way: Having effective "hope" is defined as having three elements: 1) setting and visualizing/viscerally imagining clear and attainable goals 2) being able to imagine and develop multiple pathways to achieve those goals 3) maintaining agency/sustaining motivation to take action to achieve those goals, even when the going is tough. Hope doesn't assume or guarantee success, and the outcome you most want may not even be possible in some situations (if your child has cancer, you may not be able to cure it) but it makes your efforts meaningful.
Also, I find it helpful to remember that it is possible to be victimized without then internalizing an identity of being a victim. A great many people are victimized by others. It seems unavoidable if we deal with enough people for long enough. But being a victim to me means getting on the drama triangle and giving up our power to act on our own behalf in whatever effective way might be available. It sounds like @Fadeaway's grandfather (inadvertently?) victimized her (sorry to use the third person...Fadeaway! Can't figure out the grammar switch) by encouraging her to take responsibility for things she had no effective control over. And this is also what is wrong with the "get over it" response. It is well intentioned in that it aspires to support one's efforts to get out of being a victim but (seriously) misguided in that it doesn't offer any real support in dealing with the victimization or its fall out, or even acknowledge that serious harm was done. Goodness knows children can be and are victimized in all kinds of ways large and small by the adults in their lives. To admit that there are things we can't/couldn't control or undo is just true and realistic. AND it is important for healing to put our injuries into a timeframe - some things can be fully healed over time, others can be partly healed, others must simply be compensated for. Sorting out what is what is the tricky part. And it may change over time. So things I can't heal today, may be workable in a year or five. It is hard for most people to access that "big picture/long term" perspective. It is particularly hard for people who spent most of their youth surviving from day to day.
I recently learned a definition of hope at a conference. The researchers operationalized it in this way: Having effective "hope" is defined as having three elements: 1) setting and visualizing/viscerally imagining clear and attainable goals 2) being able to imagine and develop multiple pathways to achieve those goals 3) maintaining agency/sustaining motivation to take action to achieve those goals, even when the going is tough. Hope doesn't assume or guarantee success, and the outcome you most want may not even be possible in some situations (if your child has cancer, you may not be able to cure it) but it makes your efforts meaningful.
Don't trip
Silver Member
Eleanor,
I'm processing what I think you're asking, but I'll ask for further clarification: Are you asking me when I first realized that what my pathologicals were doing was wrong? It wasn't necessarily an 'event', but more a process developed over a lifetime of exposure to them. It was my last relationship that turned over the apple cart and where I began my recovery process. I really like your description of what makes a 'victim'. That is so validating for me! I'm not longer involved with any pathologicals in my life and have not been for four years now. But to avoid more, I stay to myself. I have a long, long way to go and am just now working through my trauma....anyway, I hope I have correctly understood your question? I really don't mind answering at all!
I'm processing what I think you're asking, but I'll ask for further clarification: Are you asking me when I first realized that what my pathologicals were doing was wrong? It wasn't necessarily an 'event', but more a process developed over a lifetime of exposure to them. It was my last relationship that turned over the apple cart and where I began my recovery process. I really like your description of what makes a 'victim'. That is so validating for me! I'm not longer involved with any pathologicals in my life and have not been for four years now. But to avoid more, I stay to myself. I have a long, long way to go and am just now working through my trauma....anyway, I hope I have correctly understood your question? I really don't mind answering at all!
@Eleanor, you are correct. Years later he tried to make amends for it, but I took it as a slap in the face and it really took a long time to accept that he was acknowledging the damage he had done and was trying to make up for it. My grammarian husband (As in he teaches grammar in multiple languages for a living) agrees that the switch to 3rd person was perfect.
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