Why do therapists not ask questions about something the following week?

[UnicornSightings]

Is it about client empowerment? That WE are in charge of our therapy and what we talk about? I have this belief (that I’m working on changing) that people will only ask about things they want to know about and don’t want to hear about anything else. With my last t it was very frustrating when she didn’t ask about something I was excited about doing the previous week and also wouldn’t ask the questions I really wanted her to ask. Cause if she didn’t ask, she clearly didn’t want to know.

With my new t I’m all about working on better communication and that means letting him know what I want to talk about and bringing something up from the following week if I have more to say instead of just waiting for him to say it (cause that likely won’t happen). It’s about taking charge of my therapy. I noticed yesterday that I really wanted him to ask me a question about something I had brought up and he didn’t so I think when that happens in the future (and this will feel silly) I’ll tell him how I was hoping he would ask something and then just tell him. I do struggle with feeling bossy cause I’m really taking ownership of the sessions more so with him and that’s hard but I’m getting a lot out of it. It’s almost like I feel like he’s on my side (never felt that before and kinda freaking out about that).

Anyway, I’m wondering how you all handle it when you’re not asked things you really want to be asked.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Mine always summarizes some stuff from the week before and then asks me how the week went. This is when I tell her stuff. I actually think she is part elephant because she remembers everything. For example, I was worried that I might have gotten pregnant a few weeks ago. She brought it up both weeks... mainly because I had to lower some meds and not take others just in case. Thank God, everything turned out okay on my end, but I am glad she was supportive and remembered those concerns.

I wonder if it depends on the Type of T you have? Mine does emdr, but is also very relational. Also, maybe gender as well?

Also, I think your new plan is a good idea!

 

[Still Standing]

Is it about client empowerment? That WE are in charge of our therapy and what we talk about?...

My therapist always starts our sessions asking how I am doing. This gives me opportunity to bring up anything about how the past days have impacted me. If I am not able to share my previous days, he will address them somewhere within our time together. And he will also redress issues that were from previous sessions or things that I have mentioned in the past, checking on their status. He has also repeatedly given me permission to voice any concerns I may have or other things I might want to have discussed. So far, I am satisfied with the way he approaches our therapy time.

 

[MyWillow]

Hmmmm....I think this is a tough one. I know I had a lot of anger towards my T last year because I had to ask her why the last session was so terrifying or distressing or flooding with flashbacks, dissociation etc hitting me without warning, all of which was a bit of a shock. However, I came to realise that it was important for my stabilisation to redirect the discussion away from triggers because it took only an apparently random word or comment for me to sink into the abyss again. In addition, I think she was trying to understand how much I actually remembered and didn't want to shame me by talking about something that I had no idea about. Given that it took me 6 months to actually realise I was losing a shit load of time in session that was very smart of her. I'm also living in the land of denial but finally accepting that amnesiac barriers are there for the purpose of protection. But try telling me all that 12 months ago and it probably would have triggered the hell out of me. So she had to be cruel to be kind. I now see her as full of compassion and acceptance. I don't feel the need to discuss that terrifying experience but just accept that she will guide me through it. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense!!!

 

[Suzetig]

Mine is very explicit about wanting me to lead our sessions because otherwise I'd let her set the agenda and would avoid doing the work I need to, because she can't read my mind. I hated it for a long time but actually it's more freeing for me to bring whatever I want to, if I want to update on something I said the previous week I can do.

My T remembers everything, and will bring up things that feel relevant but I need to lead the way.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My t remembers everything. I’m the forgetful one. I don’t know how many times I have emailed him off hours and have no memory of it. He said I am able to be more present than when he first met me. I was a train wreck. I know that I get in there and say, I wanted to talk to you about something but now I don’t remember what it was. Yesterday he carefully guided me to where I was at when I first disclosed my abuse to a therapist I had in NH. The emergency stage when I totally broke down and attempted suicide many times. I had never told any of my therapists about the first head on collision I had when I had a horrific flashback to when my abuse started. I’d been in denial for so f*cking long, I couldn’t even speak the words. My t at the time had to play 20 questions to figure it out.
My struggle is with avoidance. I probably should speak about that time, but I’m so afraid I’ll go back into psycho land again. Because I’m so dissociative he suggests to me to send him emails before I forget what it was that I wanted to say.
He’s very skilled. I don’t like that he has to pry stuff out of me, or waste 45 minutes just blabbering about nothing because I’m terrified I’ll pass out like I used to.
IMO I don’t think it’s helpful to play games with waiting to see if your t brings something up. Just be straightforward. Sometimes I bring him my journal to read because I have too much shame to speak of it.

 

[Freida]

I keep notes throughout the week. And then go in and say okay this is what my notes say.... what should we talk about?

She sometimes has to leave the session because I I have a hard time staying present. But there's a lot more back and forth. I think sometimes that's just because I've been with her for a couple of years. At the beginning I didn't want to talk about anything which kind of made therapy complicated LOL

If you're really curious go in and say "hi! This is what I want to talk about today " and see what she does

 

[MrMoonlight]

I bring my journal (paper) and hand it over to her. She reads what I found important enough to note and then I let her choose what to ask and what to ignore. In my journal though I will have direct questions to her that includes her name so when she is reading she knows I want an answer or need explanation.

I have found it particularly important to type here in my thread. It allowed me yesterday to quickly go through it and make short paper notes from the date of my last appointment to the current day. Last week I didn't write anything on paper and I was a couple hours from leaving for therapy. I came here and reviewed my week which included great questions from members. I wrote everything down and after she opened with her questions I handed it to her. I feel like I got some important things covered right away at the beginning of the appointment which also means less wasted therapy time 'pokin' around'. We covered a lot of ground because of it...

 

[EveHarrington]

How do I handle it when I’m not asked things I want to be asked?

I come right out and say it!

 

[Friday]

Anyway, I’m wondering how you all handle it when you’re not asked things you really want to be asked.

That’s not a thing for me.

The whole “don’t speak until spoken to” and “never introduce a topic, & never introduce yourself” and similar are rules of etiquette from a culture I don’t belong or ascribe to.

That said, I’ve rubbed elbows with it a time or three. The common work-arounds are:

- Ask me about XYZ! :woot: (especially between friends)
- You’ll never guess ... (guess what? = open door to any topic)
- I have news, exciting news, sad news, etc... (ditto, what news? = open door to topic)
- If I may be so bold? I might be daring? (Asking permission to break the rules of etiquette)
- But if you ask me...? Pause & wait for assent... <insert opinion here> (Casual)
- If one were to ask me what might be thought about XYZ (monologuing, comes with the pretense that the speaker doesnt have an audience, therefore isnt breaking the rules)
- If one were to ask me what might be thought about XYZ I might say (double pretense: monloguing + hypothetical; it’s only what I “might” say, therefore I’m not actually saying it, therefore not breaking the rules)

:wtf: It’s a convoluted passive aggressive conversational style that drives me insane. But to each their own.

 

[Suzetig]

In therapy? "We spoke about X last week, this is what I've been thinking". I don't usually update on what happened (e.g. remember I said I was going to dinner with my dad, well he said/I said) because it's not social chatter and I don't want to use my therapy time updating her on my life - I want to work.

I might mention a social thing in passing towards the end of the session because it grounds me before I leave. Basically, if it's something I want to work on I'll bring it up, if it's a general update I won't bother. It's my therapy and it's my job to use the time well - I don't want my therapist guessing about what of last session is still relevant to me now.

 

[Missycat]

We always start with a ‘how have you been / how has your week been’? if i had a difficult session the week before she will ask how i was afterwards etc. When i was self harming i agreed we would discuss and check if i had been harming. If ive emailed her outside of session ( its how im able to share the horrible stuff) then she will ask about that. In general its both of us agreeing the agenda - although when doing emdr it was driven by t. I can be a bit like a loose cannon so she keeps us on track lol