Why do we take the blame?

[Ellabella44]

If it’s our fault, then it’s something we can control in present or in future. If only I could be better, if only I didn’t say that, if only I had been nicer, maybe I wouldn’t have been abused. It’s too terrifying to believe even after the abuse is over that we could have done practically nothing

If only I was: a good kid, wasn't a girl, wasn't a child, was stronger, had a different father, wasn't un lovable because of my temper, etc.

Its scary to think and admit that I was powerless against generations of abuse in my family passed down to my parents that they decided I had to in turn pay for. That nothing, no actions could have prevented my living situation I was set up with since birth. All that is left for me is a sense of failure to be the perfect whatever was needed in order to have avoided further or any abuse.

Its hard to admit and accept that nothing could have been different. I'd have to change even being who I am etc (been born to different patents) to have not gone through the abuse at all.

The circumstances were just too perfect for having to live through a sh*t storm where all that can be done is to hang on and hope in the moment that what is happening can be survived.

Its taken years of therapy and being in aa to even get it halfway to believe nothing could have been done. I still struggle with it as what I deserved was drilled into my head over and over.

The craziest thing is my mother repeatedly told me I was my fathers child. Exactly like the psycho who beat her and so many other things. He was untreated bipolar and I've recently been diagnosed with it myself.

Nothing can change the past or how it had an effect back then and it s*cks. Wanting to change it holds me there. I'm trying some optimism that I can change how I move forward from here.

 

[mamachick]

All of our situations are so darn unique.
Erabella44- - You clearly have the origination figured out. I am so sorry that your circumstances are what they are. It really sucks regardless of how it happened, where it came from.

I saw a therapist off and on since I was 15. Nobody diagnosed me with ptsd. Then at 48 a traumatic brain injury. At 50 a diagnosis of ptsd after being assaulted by a cop. I still have night mares about that, but not my early childhood. I dont know what to think. Was my resiliency not real. Was I in denial. A lawsuit has been settled to there is not benefit for me to have nightmares about cops, and not childhood. I didn't like my childhood, but I always knew my mom was not normal and wanted something different. I accomplished that and for many years (30 years).

The thing is, in the lawsuit agains cop, they bring everything in your life up, including mental health records. It feels like that in itself is re-traumatizing. They (defense attorneys) want to make your childhood worse than it was...and blame that on my reaction to being beat up my the cop. It's over. We settled. But I am not the same person I was at 45....(same childhood), no accident and no abuse by cop.

So while I believe that early childhood experience have caused some of my stuff, why didn't it appear before accident and assault.??? I guess I am just still trying to figure it out.

 

[Sideways]

I don't really blame myself. For a long time, I believed I was incredibly lucky to have experienced what I now refer to as abuse.

But that doesn't translate to blaming my abuser. While I considered myself 'lucky' for what he did to me, I was grateful to my abuser. Now that my mind is reframing what he did as abuse - he still carries no 'blame', in my mind.

Rationally, as the adult in the room, I understand that he was legally responsible for what he did to me. But blame? Nup. Not a leap I can make.

Underlying fault/issue with me, though? As in, he did what he did because of an underlying issue with who I am, is a core belief I'm finding very hard to shift. That has a number of sources: explicit conditioning to believe that, patterns of abuse where I seem to be the only constant, abuse starting early at a particular point in my brain's development where that was the only way I could interpret it, and...

because it's easier than the alternative. Which is that sometimes people might do something like that for no logical reason, and we may not be able to predict it, prevent it, or defend ourselves adequately from it.

ETA On reflection, though, I struggle with the concept of blaming people for things generally. I have a very hard time holding other people accountable for wrongdoing, particularly with regards to wrongs against me personally. Even when I can hold someone accountable for a wrongdoing, I very quickly offset that by rationalising their perspective.

 

[Chris-duck]

Outside of one trauma I didn't really blame myself at the time. I got told shit like "if you hadn't.. then I wouldn't.." but I felt more confused as a kid than self-blamey, like "uh I didn't do that?" Or "you literally just told me to do that so..?" Self blame for kid shit came way later in like mid teens/early 20s. N my early 20s self blame happened in my mid 20s :laugh: I think I'm just a bit slow :P

I was told a lot that everything was my fault, but I don't think it helped mid trauma, cos mid trauma I just put it down to "life is weird sometimes, just keep going", pretty neutral. Self blame for me is more of a "shits calm, why am I still thinking about this? FFS, how did it even happen? Ugh. It's my fault anyway" thing. Just a way to shut my brain up ?

I think it is probably trying to control shit, for me anyway. Like action leads to consequence just makes sense. And I get that doesn't necessarily add up in a trauma context but yeah. N by tracing shit back right to the start n working out whatever action "lead" to the shit means theoretically being able to stop it next time, or at least see what type of shit you're walking into.

 

[ms spock]

why is it so important that we take the blame for what was done to us?

I don't know how it works for you but for me it is an illusion of control. If you take the blame then you get to feel less helpless and less hopeless. You get to pretend that you have some say in it. That's how it works for me.

 

[Mee]

.

ETA On reflection, though, I struggle with the concept of blaming people for things generally. I have a very hard time holding other people accountable for wrongdoing, particularly with regards to wrongs against me personally. Even when I can hold someone accountable for a wrongdoing, I very quickly offset that by rationalising their perspective.

This is very like me. I have considered it a life time strength but am beginning to understand it’s only that if I don’t fail to protect myself .

I think it’s confusing again- because our overriding image of what we should strive to be is selfless, thinking of others etc - yet when we are we are told it’s our fault stuff happened etc. It’s a very confusing and contradictory set of lessons and standards we grow up with and I think that we learn in a ‘wrong way’ only ourselves can be relied upon so - fault therefore has to be ours? Maybe that’s it?

 

[Freida]

It’s a very confusing and contradictory set of lessons and standards we grow up with and I think that we learn in a ‘wrong way’ only ourselves can be relied upon so - fault therefore has to be ours? Maybe that’s it?

That's kind of brilliant!

 

[Mee]

That's kind of brilliant!

I’ll have you know I AM kind of brilliant sometimes ????

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that we learn in a ‘wrong way’ only ourselves can be relied upon so - fault therefore has to be ours? Maybe that’s it?

I would say so, even if it doesn't really have those many conscious words explaining it in (my) brain. Or, even if the where it is my fault, doesn't have any context.

Kind of off the subject but related, I've noticed (for myself) if I pay attention to what feeling I'm thinking or waking up with, often even if I should be happy or it's 'ok' I am tense or fearing something coming down the pipe, maybe a twist on hypervigilance. And feeling negative, but the negative part is often in relation to myself, as in best I'm not here, anyway. Though not mindful exactly or what have you, it is actually making myself notice. But then I have to actually tell myself I 'could' choose to be happy, and less tense- guilt free, since I don't have to 'not' be here, or remove myself either, to maintain things as ok or positive. So it does come back to self-blame, self concept, I'm guessing. It's the underlying feeling, but it influences decisions and choices, too.

ETA, as per childhood, etc, , unless causative, sure, it 'could' be priming; it could also not be, in many cases. But I was thinking about this (just in general, just a layman's perspective), and somewhere I think ptsd has more to do with horror, shock and abnormality. For example, you expect your child might die before you- but not find them hanging in the basement. Or to be involved in conflict or war, or sign up for such- but not find a booby-trapped baby. Or have your bf die on the 1st day, when you had their back. Or be in a car accident, but see a body go over your windshield. Or experience other's anger, but not without limits. (I apologize, my wording is woefully lacking). Or people to die- but not be murdered. What I mean is, it's not the grief or loss etc that (to me) just lies at the root, because those we probably could or even were or had had to more than handle, or even expected. It's the 'something'- the detail or crux or reality or visuals etc- that was never envisioned, or even construed as possible, that so tips the scale. That, and self-blame/ responsibility/ recrimination, in many cases (as adults, vs small children. And well, even small children obviously blame themselves, more often than not. :( ) And then there is moral injury, too. Like I remember a documentary of a paramedic, torn (at the core) to treat someone at the scene who just murdered his family. :( Those kinds of things, really wreck havoc on not just the psyche, but the sense of self, responsibility, and impact of self on others. When we reject ourselves, we don't feel like we're good for others to have around. JMHO though. :notworthy:

 

[Freida]

Ya, I've been mulling this over the last couple days.....

• Military & First Response - I was supposed to protect them. It’s my fault. I failed.
• Child Abuse - They were supposed to protect me. That I wasn’t, was my fault. I don’t deserve.
• Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence - If I had only done XYZ differently it wouldn’t have happened. I should have...

This is really interesting. All different types of trauma, all come back to the same thing -- blame
It makes me wonder if we are hard wired for that or if its this....

I think our self-blame also comes from the changes that happen to the brain during trauma. It's an overcompensation, trying to keep us safe from things that have already happened. But in PTSD, past events are confused with present events, and it becomes a feedback loop.

I think I saw some research recently that they can actually see the damage ptsd does to the brain. So maybe that has to do with why we jump to blame......

And taking the blame means I keep them with me. A lil longer. The who I was with them, too.

Wow -- I hadn't let this sink in until just now. And you are right -- maybe giving up the blame means giving up the memory of people you don't want to lose. I can really see that in military/public safety situations.

I think ptsd has more to do with horror, shock and abnormality. For example, you expect your child might die before you- but not find them hanging in the basement. Or to be involved in conflict or war, or sign up for such- but not find a booby-trapped baby. Or have your bf die on the 1st day, when you had their back. Or be in a car accident, but see a body go over your windshield. Or experience other's anger, but not without limits.

It's the 'something'- the detail or crux or reality or visuals etc- that was never envisioned, or even construed as possible, that so tips the scale.

Ya - I think that's true. The whole -- normal reaction to an abnormal event -- thing

So how do we get past it? EMDR has helped a lot because it gives me back the whole story - not just the parts that were messing up my head. But it makes me wonder if there are other options.

What has worked for others who have gotten past it?

 

[The Albatross]

why is it so important that we take the blame for what was done to us

I got a problem with the premise. "that we take the blame for what was done to us"???? A whole lot wrong with that.

The whole blame/shame/guilt is a trap. What is important is that we examine and deal effectively with what was done to us in order for it not to become an impediment for the rest of our lives.

 

[Freida]

What is important is that we examine and deal effectively with what was done to us in order for it not to become an impediment for the rest of our lives.

Agreed!!!! It's just finding a way out of that hole. It's odd how prevalent it is across all kinds of trauma and yet it doesn't seem to be something that is easily fixed. That's why it's so baffling. Blame should be the easiest thing to get past because it's nonsensical but it seems to be a huge struggling point for so many of us.